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Have you ever been a part of something
that you thought would never end?
And then, of course, it did.
Have you ever felt the weight inside you,
pulling away inside your skin?
Then something had to give…

*~*~*~*

I won’t regret saying this
This thing that I’m saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut,
That goes without saying
Call, break (break) it (it) off (off)
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been something you’d be good at
Maybe you would have been something I’d be good at
But now we’ll never know

Even if I had been blindfolded, I would have known the very second Edward entered the room.

I was exactly where Jacob had left me- half sitting, half lying between crisp, unfamiliar sheets on a hospital bed in Rochester. The same machines whirred around me; the same-snow strangled light scattered through the slats of the blind; the same nondescript, generic picture- provided by the hospital in a half-hearted attempt to make their wards seem less clinical- hung on the wall over-looking the foot of my bed.

The room was exactly the same as it had been a few moments ago. But then the door clicked, the air seemed to shift and everything was different.

The light sharpened, the picture blurred- even the monitors seemed to hold their breath. I knew who it was; I didn’t have to look up and check. There was only one person who could make every minute and mundane detail of my world change so utterly and completely, just by being there.

As he stood surveying me from the threshold, Edward’s expression was unreadable. His eyes were dark, stared at me in a way which made my cheeks burn and flush.

“Bella,” he said. There was something there, in the way he said my name, which made my heart hurt, but I buried the feeling away.

“Hi,” I replied, in as strong a voice as I could manage.

“Can I come in?”

I nodded, and with a purposeful, almost painful, slowness, he closed the door. It made a small thud, and the breath caught in my lungs. We were alone for the first time since the accident. Edward hung by the door for a few moments, before taking a seat against the opposite wall. We sat in silence for almost a minute, when Edward spoke.

“How do you feel?” he asked, his voice ridden with genuine concern.

“Okay,” I said. “I’m a bit sore, but I’m still too drugged up to feel any real pain.” I half attempted a weak smile, but gave up at the sight of Edward’s face.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. His features were sorrowful and riddled with self-blame.

That irritated me slightly. “Don’t,” I said curtly.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do that,” I said, with more force than I had intended. “I can see you’re blaming yourself for the accident and for me ending up in hospital, even though I’ve already said it wasn’t your fault. I just spent half an hour doing by best to defend you to Jacob, so don’t you dare try and play the guilty card.” I had to fight to keep the frustration out of my voice.

I wouldn’t have been surprised if Edward had replied angrily to my words. Anybody else surely would have done. But of course, Edward wasn’t anybody else, and he took my cutting remarks with gentlemanly ease. He stood up and came towards me, pulling a chair to the edge of my bed. The proximity made my skin tingle.

“I’m not trying to play any card, Bella,” he murmured softly, causing me to shiver. “It’s beyond difficult for me to see you like this and I can’t help but wish I had got to you in time to spare you any injury.”

I found myself irritated by his diplomacy. Come on, fight back! I thought. I wanted him to respond in kind and fight fire with fire. I wanted to have a good reason to shout at him again, and release some of the emotions that were constricting my heart. Not trusting myself to construct a civil answer, I kept my mouth shut.

Edward opened and closed his mouth. He seemed to be searching for the right words. I didn’t help him. He sighed, his shoulders sinking slightly. “I’m sorry,” he said, plainly. “For everything. For leaving you, for not coming back sooner, for the way I’ve been acting since our return. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you from Victoria and that I wasn’t there to save Brady. There are so many things I’ve done wrong, so many colossal, monumental errors of judgement. Even if you’re right, and I’m not to blame for your physical scars, I can never absolve myself from the other ways I’ve hurt you. I accept that, and I doubt I will ever be able to truly forgive myself for it.

“But I just want you to know that, despite everything, I have always had your best interests at heart. Yes, I was wrong- monstrously so- but I never intended to injure you in any way. I was trying to make your life better; I was trying to give you the future that I never had. I wanted to save you from myself, from all that I am, and in trying to do so I just made things worse. I see that now, but at the time I took what I thought was the only solution. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to earn your love and trust again. I know it won’t be quick or easy, but I love you more than anything in this world and I’ll do whatever it takes to make myself worthy of your forgiveness.”

His speech came to an end, and I knew that I had to reply. How could I not, when he had just all but given me his heart? But the problem was, I didn’t know what to say. I was conflicted. I wanted to forgive him, and have him kiss me, and for us to live happily ever after. Yet there was a part of my heart- the part which had stayed resolutely broken since I was eighteen- which was still too raw and painful for me to even contemplate anything nearing forgiveness.

Perhaps if I had been younger, that wouldn’t have been the case. Maybe I would have heard Edward’s velvet-toned apology and unravelled, listened to his perfectly crafted declaration of undying love and dissolved into a cloud of reverent acceptance. I probably would have apologised to him for ever doubting his judgement, tumbling over my words until he leant over and brush my hair away from my face, awing me into silence. Then he would have murmured my name, and I would have melted, forgetting and forgiving all for a few honey-coated syllables, before willingly giving in to his kisses.

I felt a mild form of contempt for the impressionability of that version of myself, yet at the same time I envied her for the ease with which she forgave.

But I wasn’t her. I had never taken that path because it had never been presented to me. I had had to learn to live without Edward and his protection and love. I grew more independent because I had to; I became tougher and stronger because the alternative was wasting away in a quagmire of self-pity. I was no longer the girl who could melt at words; my heart-break couldn’t be healed by a stream of gentle caresses. Most importantly, I didn’t believe that all wrongs could be righted by an apology.

The cruel irony of the whole situation was that I had finally got exactly what I had wanted for the last six years- Edward’s love. Funny how it now seemed hollow- how it suddenly wasn’t enough.

Had Edward simply announced that he loved me again, without revealing his original reasons for leaving, I probably would have taken him back without question. Actually, there was no ‘probably’ about it. When I looked back at how I had dreamt and fantasized about him on a daily basis, even before he had walked into my 12th grade English class in January, I knew that I would have jumped at the chance to be with him again. For six years I believed that he had left because he hadn’t loved me- and had never blamed him for it, not once. Yet now I knew that he had left out of a desire to protect me, and I practically loathed him. Was my self-esteem really so low that I could hate someone more for leaving me out of love than dislike? Yes, I could have taught an entire class on the irony of my dissatisfaction.

The problem was that no matter what Edward said, he had still lied to me and his lie had almost killed me. I didn’t want an apology, because all I really wanted was to turn back time and for all that had happened to be undone. I wanted to make it so he’d never left.

I guess in some ways, I still was immature. .

“Bella, please say something,” Edward said, taking me straight from my own thoughts. There was a nervous, almost pleading tone to his voice. He’d never looked so vulnerable to me. I suddenly became aware of how young he looked.

“What do you want me to say?” I was trying to play for time.

“Anything, whatever you’re thinking.”

“I don’t know what to think,” I said, truthfully, “I have absolutely no idea what to say to you.” If he was shaken by my words, he hid it well.

“I know it’ll take time for you to forgive me, Bella. That’s okay; I’m not going to rush you. I’ll wait forever if needs be.”

I shook my head. “It’s not that simple, Edward.” It hurt even to say these words. “Time alone isn’t going to make this better.”

Edward looked at me cautiously. I thought I glimpsed a flash of something like fear in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Well, what if I don’t want to forgive you?” I replied, so quietly I could barely hear myself. “What if I can’t? What if this-us- whatever it is or was is beyond repair?” Do you believe that? I wondered, Or are you just too scared of being hurt again?

“But you said you loved me,” Edward said, his eyes fixed upon me. “You told me so in the snowstorm. You said that despite everything I’d done, you still loved me.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“So, was that true? Or are you saying that you were lying?” Edward seemed to be having the same trouble moderating his tone as I had earlier. Perhaps I had been wrong to want him to be more aggressive.

“No. It was true; it is true. I’ll never stop loving you, as long as I live.” Such is my curse.

“Then I don’t understand, Bella. We love each other and I’ve told you that I’ll do anything to atone for leaving you. What’s missing?” The tension in his voice was palpable.

I raised my eyes to look him straight on. I needed to say exactly what I felt- there had been enough misunderstandings between us to last an eternity. “It’s not enough, Edward. After everything that we’ve been through, a simple apology and the fact that you love me can’t change things. It can’t reverse the past events or it can’t neutralise this feeling of betrayal; it can’t save Brady’s life or regain the six years that I lost in pining for you.”

Unable to restrain himself, Edward grasped my uninjured hand in his, leaning in so close to me that I could almost taste him. “I keep telling you that I’m sorry. I know that an apology is poor repayment for my debts, but there’s nothing else I can do. There’s no way to undo the things that happened, but you know that if there was I would do it.”

“I know,” I said sadly, my soul weighed down with resignation. “I didn’t say that I had a solution. I just want you to understand why ‘sorry’ isn’t enough- why one night can’t possibly make me forget six years of hurt.”

“Bella-”

“I’m done, Edward,” I said, my voice hardly above a whisper. “I’m so tired; I feel empty. This is it. End of the line.” Just saying it made me feel physically sick. I wanted to be sick. I couldn’t believe that I was doing this. I was wilfully throwing away everything I had yearned for. But it was the only option I could see, the only one which made sense. I couldn’t forgive him. At least not yet.

Edward looked like a man who’d woken up after a thousand years of slumber, only to find that his entire world was crumbling to dust. “No,” he said, the firmness of the syllable unable to hide the fact that he had begun to tremble. “No, it’s not over. It’s anything but over. With time and effort we can fix this and things can be like they were before. Don’t talk like you don’t even want to try to make this work.” He brought our unclasped hands to his lips, and I could feel them shake against my skin. I shivered.

I felt the first tear fall from my eyes and I wanted to scream. Inside my heart was screaming. You idiot! Take it back! You’re letting him slip away! But although it was breaking me apart, I knew I couldn’t ignore the way I felt. I knew I had to tell the truth, even if a lie was easier. Logic over emotions, head over heart. I wasn’t ready to love Edward again and no number of apologies was going to change that.

“No, Edward, things can’t be the same. A relationship needs to be built on trust and respect and a thousand other things as well as love. Right now, I can’t trust you at all.” I said, taking my hand from his. “Do you understand that? Not after the way that you broke me. Leaving like that, after you promised so many times that you never would, and not even explaining why. You made a decision which affected my entire life, and you didn’t even give me a choice in it. You just ran. You didn’t even respect me enough to be able to discuss it with me like an adult, or try and find another way. After finding out the reasons you left, I… I hate you for it. And that scares me, because you were always the one person in my life who I could trust not to betray me or walk out on me. I honestly thought you would never, ever hurt me.”

I suppose some part of me expected Edward to respond angrily. He didn’t. If anything, he only seemed to sink lower into his self-flagellation. His shoulders sunk and he looked at me with sorrowful eyes. “Bella, I’ve told you; I thought leaving was the only way to keep you safe. I know it’s an awful excuse, I know it was stupid and I regret it with my all my heart, but at the time it was all that made sense.”

I believed him. I believed that he was sorry; I believed that he would have done anything to go back. But even Edward didn’t have the power to turn back the clock. I said as much. “The fact that you meant well doesn’t change what happened. The situation is the same as it was the night of the accident; I’m the same. What did you think- that I’d be hit by a truck and everything would be okay again?”

Brady was still dying. Even with my personal feelings towards Edward forgotten, that was one thing that I couldn’t ignore. It was like a solid iron wall that stretched as high and far as the eye could see, blocking my path to Edward. How could I even think of being with him again when Brady was still in so much pain? How could I possibly look towards the future when the guilt of my past was so great? I couldn’t; I wouldn’t. I still wasn’t sure whether I deserved to be happy.

“No,” Edward said, “I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I thought… I thought you’d want to try and work through our problems. I thought you loved me.”

“I do,” I repeated, closing my eyes. I didn’t feel like I could fight this battle anymore. “I do love you. But this isn’t just about me and you anymore, Edward. It’s bigger. There are more people involved, more hearts and lives…” I opened my eyes again, focusing on him. “You might be the same person as you were six years ago, but I’m not. I’m not frozen; I’ve changed. There are people I care about other than you; I have responsibilities outside of our relationship. I can’t dedicate my life to ‘us’, or working to reclaim something we might never be able to get back. Right now, my friend is dying on the other side of the country because of something that we did- something that our relationship caused- and I have to be there for him. That is more important than this.”

And it was at that moment, as I lay there in that hospital bed, that I knew I was becoming someone else; someone independent of Edward. I had wanted to wake up on my own. Well, this was it. This was my moment, my epiphany. I was choosing to tackle the past over the future, my friends over my lost love. I was

There was a silence, as Edward looked at me with pained eyes. “So…what? This is it? The end?” Edward finally asked. In a few short minutes his voice had achieved deadened tone which sent chills down my spine.

I couldn’t answer him; I was silenced by my own pain. Then, to my surprise, Edward let out a small, tortured cry and stood up, kicking the chair away. It slammed into the far wall, denting the plaster. I instantly had a flashback to his outburst at the parent/teacher conference.

“Come on, Bella, help me here!” he cried. It was as though his patience had just snapped. “Just say what you want. Are you staying or leaving? Do you want this or not?” His eyes were wild and his voice raw. “So you can’t forgive me: now what? If you’re finishing with me then at least have the bravery to admit to it. You can’t just leave me hanging, waiting for something that’s never going to come.”

I knew he was upset and that his anger was probably more directed at himself, but the implication of his words stung all the same. How could he call me a coward, when this was the hardest thing I had ever done?

“Just tell me the truth,” he repeated. “Are you going to leave?”

“Yes,” I said, not daring to meet his eyes. “I am… at least for now. I can’t stay here; I can’t give you the kind of definite answer that you want. I don’t know what I want.”

It was like Edward visibly deflated at my words, as if, somehow, he hadn’t quite believed me up until now. The dismay on his face just served to break my heart further.

“So… this could be the end?”

I inclined my head slightly, unable to manage words.

“No,” he said. “Please, Bella. Stay.” He ran a hand through his hair and I could see his arm was shaking. “I understand that you need time, I understand that you hate me for what I did but you’ve got to listen to me. I’m ready to do anything to make you happy. Anything. I’d give up the world for you; I’d spent eternity fighting for your heart. Why can’t you believe that? Why do you have to leave? What do I have to do to make you stay? How do I make this better? Don’t tell me I can’t; don’t tell me that it’s a lost cause. This is us. Me and you. Please.”

They were fighting words, but there was something in his tone that made me think he didn’t really believe them. Like he knew, despite himself, that this battle was already lost- that it had been ever since that fateful moment in the forest six years ago. Maybe Edward knew that it was he who had given up, he who had surrendered and thrown everything away with one simple lie. Perhaps he realised that I really wasn’t ready- that the path to forgiveness and acceptance was still hidden from me.

Or maybe I was just wanted him to think like that. Was I finding intonations in his voice that weren’t there, in order to make myself feel better about what I was doing?

I sat very still, avoiding his eyes. I couldn’t look at him, because I felt sure that if I did I would lose all my resolve. You’re doing the right thing, I told myself. You can’t forgive him now. Not yet. Someday, maybe. But not now.

“I’m sorry,” was all that I said. “There’s… nothing you can do. It’s me.” Edward laughed bitterly.

“‘It’s not you, it’s me?’ Come on, Bella, I thought you were above that kind of cliché.

I didn’t know how to answer that. In a way, he was right. This did have a lot to do with Edward. After all, he was the one who left the first time around. But I was the one who was unable to forgive. I suppose we were both to blame.

From the edge of my vision, I was aware of Edward moving towards me. He stooped and leant down to me, bringing his face mere inches from the top of my head. I closed my eyes. I could feel his breath on my forehead. His scent- so familiar and still so very intoxicating, even after all this years- was almost suffocating me. Even without looking, I somehow knew that he would be shaking. I felt a sob rise in my throat, but I bit it down.

He murmured my name and I instinctively lifted my face up towards his. It wasn’t intentional, more like a reflex. As soon as I realised what I had done, I began to pull away. But… too late. I suddenly felt my lips touch Edward’s.

It was barely a kiss, really. It lasted hardly a few seconds and, like all the kisses I had ever shared with Edward, it was strictly close mouthed. Yet there was something about it that made it different from anything I had ever felt before. It was like he was giving me a little bit of his soul, imprinting me with his very spirit. His regret, sorrow, pain, guilt and, above all, love. It was soft and beautiful, filling me with a sense of yearning. Yet at the same time it was one of the saddest moments of my life. I had tears in my eyes as I pulled away with a whisper of ‘no’.

I opened my eyes, looking at him through the mist of my own tears. For a couple of seconds I was flashed back to that moment in the snow the night before. When I had sobbed that I loved Edward, despite hating him and he had kissed me, without warning. Then, I hadn’t been able to deal with the emotions, so I had broken away from him and jumped onto my bike. This time, I knew that no kiss was going to prevent me from what I was decided to do. Two accidental kisses, neither of them at the right time, neither of them enough to make me stay.

“Bella…”

“I think you should go,” I whispered, closing my eyes. Shutting out the pain. I suddenly felt incredibly tired. I sank down in my bed so that I was lying down, turning onto my side to face the wall and window. The daylight was visible even through my eyelids. Behind me, I heard Edward say something, but I ignored it. I didn’t want to hear anymore. An age passed. Then, slowly, tortuously, I heard him stir. I heard the soft sound of footsteps on lino and the hesitant closing of a door.

And it was in that moment of total and awful silence, curled up in a ball with my eyes closed, that I knew I was alone again. In more ways than one.

[Nästa kapitel]

Title: Seducing Ms Swan
Summary: Post-New Moon AU. Bella never jumped, Alice never had her vision and Edward never came back.
Six years later, Bella is a teacher in a high school in Rochester, trying to move on with her life. What happens when the one person she thought she’d never see again enrols as a student at her school? Can Bella remain professional, or will old memories get in her way? More to the point, can he?
Rating: Teen
Warning: This stories will feature references to a student/teacher relationship. Obviously, it’s kind of different seeing as Edward is actually 100+ years old, but if thie idea bothers you, please don’t read.
Chapter: (1/?)

Chapter 8
*~*~*
Uh-Oh, We’re In Trouble
Something’s Come Along And It’s Burst Our Bubble
Yeah, Yeah! Uh-Oh, We’re In Trouble,
*~*~*
EPOV

“Stop it Edward, this has nothing to do with you.” Bella said angrily, her eyes flashing.
I felt myself swell with anger. “Yes it does!”
“No it doesn’t! It’s no concern of yours what I do with my life; you made that pretty clear when you left. Now out of my way please!” Her words hit me like lightning. You made that pretty clear when you left. Did that mean…? Could it really be that easy? Were Emmett and Jasper right? Did Bella really believe me when I rejected her, when I lied and told her I didn’t want her? How could I be so stupid? If she loved me and I loved her then the only thing keeping us apart was a huge, awful misunderstanding. I opened my mouth, but before I could form words Bella had swerved the bike unexpectedly and was speeding full-pelt across the car park.
“BELLA COME BACK!” I shouted desperately. She didn’t stop and my eyes instantly zeroed in on the motorbike. Perhaps if I ran at it from just the right angle, I could stop the confounded thing and pull Bella off of it without hurting her. My feverish plans were interrupted by Esme’s thoughts.
Don’t you DARE touch that bike Edward! She ordered me, It’s far too dangerous- what if you missed and sent her flying to the ground?
I swore with frustration. I knew Esme was right, but I couldn’t bear to just stand here and watch Bella speed away from me, still believing that I didn’t love her. I tried to shout at her again, but it was obvious she wasn’t listening. I caught the end strand of what she was saying to Alice. “- can pick me up at 11:00!” she shouted, her words almost lost to the deafening sound of the motorcycle’s engine. I came to a stuttering halt next to Alice, still roaring at Bella to stop but to absolutely no avail. She flashed us all a winning smile, before whipping past of us and shooting out of the parking lot out onto the road, where she was quickly swallowed up by Friday night traffic. My family stood in a stunned silence, staring wide-eyed at the space where she had just been.
Emmett whistled appreciatively. “Damn!” he said, very impressed, “Since when did Bella become such a badass?” My siblings laughed, but Carlisle and Esme continued to watch the spot where Bella had disappeared onto the road, shocked.
Finally, Carlisle spoke. “What… what just happened?” he asked, confused.
“Well it would seem that Edward managed to screw up yet another perfect opportunity to make up with Bella, so we will all have to endure this drama for a bit longer,” Rosalie sighed looking at me with irritation, “It would also seem that, despite all the odds, Bella Swan finally grew a backbone.” Rosalie raised her eyebrows as though the very concept was unbelievable. Emmett laughed again.
“Will you stop?!” I growled angrily at them all, “Can’t you see how serious this is? Bella was just riding a motorbike-”
“-very well, by the looks of it-” Alice inserted
“- and none of you can see how dangerous that is?” I challenged them, ignoring Alice’s comment.
“Yeah sure,” Emmett said, “it’s dangerous, but are you seriously telling me that you weren’t slightly turned on by that? She was wearing leather! It was hot, wasn’t it Jasper?” We all turned to look at Jasper, who looked slightly taken aback at suddenly being shoved under the spotlight.
“Don’t you DARE answer that-” I began warningly.
“Uh yeah, it was from where I was standing,” he said, causing Emmett to laugh loudly again. I growled at them both, but Jasper just shrugged sheepishly at me. Well what am I meant to say? It was.
“Alright boys, that’s enough drooling over foxy Bella,” Alice said, but we could all see she found the situation deeply amusing. Her words suddenly reminded me of something.
“What did Bella mean ‘you can pick me up at 11:00?’” I demanded.
“Rosalie and I are taking Bella shopping,” she said smoothly. I gaped at her.
“I thought I told you to stay away from her!”
Alice narrowed her eyes at me and she suddenly looked positively dangerous. “And since when did you have full control of what I do and who I see, Edward Cullen?”
“Since it involved Bella!” I said angrily.
“Oh get over yourself Edward, she’s my friend too! You don’t have sole ownership rights to her you know! She’s not an object!”
“I know that. You’re the one who always treated her like some sort of overgrown doll!”
Carlisle cleared his throat and we both looked up. “What?!” we asked, irritated.
“Children please, stop bickering,” Esme sighed. We both ruffled at the use of the word ‘children’, but Esme raised her eyebrow as if daring us to correct her. We both sighed.
“Sorry Mom,” we said in unison, hanging our heads like seven year olds.
“That’s better,” she nodded, satisfied. “Now, unless any of you have any objections, I suggest that we go home; we still have a guest to prepare for.” I groaned again; I had almost forgotten about Tanya’s impending visit. Both Carlisle and Esme shot me reprimanding looks. You promised to behave, Edward, Esme admonished me. I sighed, frustrated.
“Okay fine,” I said reluctantly, “but can I go and check on Bella first? I want to make sure she got home without crashing.” I looked away embarrassedly; I knew Emmett would scoff at my sentimentality and Esme would glow smugly. I decided Carlisle was the safest bet in terms of keeping his expression neutral, so I focused on him.
Don’t be embarrassed Edward, he thought, I’m glad that you’re acting responsibly again. Perhaps next time you’ll be able to have an entire conversation with Bella without raising your voice. He added, slightly amused. I winced, but before I could respond Carlisle spoke out loud.
“That’s fine, but you’ll need to take someone in the car with you; there’s only space for five in the Mercedes,” he said, before turning to survey the family. He was clearly deciding which one of my siblings I was least likely to start a fight with. He did not consider Esme because we all knew she wanted to get home and prepare for Tanya’s arrival, although how you could ‘prepare’ for a guest that didn’t eat or sleep, I had no idea. “Jasper can go with you,” Carlisle finally said. It was the most sensible choice; Jasper was the sibling I argued with least and if I did get angry he could just calm me straight down again. Jasper nodded dutifully and leaned down to kiss Alice, before heading off towards my car.
“See you later,” I muttered to the rest of my family, following Jasper. As I opened the door and sat down in the driver’s seat, Bella’s parting words were running through my head again. It’s no concern of yours what I do with my life; you made that pretty clear when you left. Was I right in assuming that she was still under the delusion I didn’t love her? It would certainly help to explain her erratic behavior towards me. Or was I, as I had been so many times of late, just misinterpreting the signs again and imagining things that were not there? I groaned, slamming my foot down on the pedal and reversing out of the space at top speed. “Tonight,” I said to Jasper, turning and exiting onto the road, “was an absolute disaster.” I was following the familiar route to Bella’s apartment that I had already haunted so many times since we had come to Rochester.
Well yeah, Jasper thought, having returned to our usual means of conversation now that we were alone, it wasn’t great. But it wasn’t a total failure either.
“How did you figure that one out?” I asked, racing through the lights just as they went red and turning right at the crossroads.
Well at least we can be sure of one thing now, Jasper replied.
“And what’s that?” I asked despondently as I turned on to Bella’s street, bringing the car to much slower speed so that I could peer through her window.
How Bella feels about you.
“What do you mean?” I questioned, not really listening as I strained to catch a glimpse of Bella. I had just seen her walk past the window, apparently unharmed, when Jasper spoke out loud, distracting me completely.
“She loves you Edward,” he said simply, a smile on his face.
“What?!” I gasped, “How could you tell??” Jasper rolled his eyes at me.
“Just because your and Alice’s powers aren’t working on Bella doesn’t mean mine doesn’t.”
“You mean-” I said, hardly daring to believe what I was hearing.
“Yep,” he grinned, “her love for you was coming off in waves; it was so strong I could even feel it from the parking lot when you were both still in the courtyard. Speaking of which, I though you told us you were going to stop trying to seduce her?” he looked at me with a smirk.
“I did!” I said, surprised, glancing back to her window, “I was just talking to her.”
Jasper shook his head, amused. “Well whatever you were doing, you did it well; at one point she could hardly keep from throwing herself at you.”
“Really?” I felt a huge smile crossing my face. That must have been why she reacted so violently when I freed her from her rucksack. I suddenly felt ecstatically happy, more so than I had done for years. If Jasper was correct, if what he was saying was true then I was only one simple conversation away from being with Bella again.
“I’m not saying that you won’t have your work cut out winning her back,” Jasper said hastily, “You hurt her really badly Edward, and she’s still in an awful lot of pain emotionally. Plus she’s got a lot of anger towards you- something which isn’t helped by the way you keep losing your temper with her.” I nodded seriously, but it was hard to feel too downhearted; Bella loved me! “There was something else though,” Jasper said, interrupting my inner celebrations, “it was weird; I could hardly even tell what the emotion was at first, I’ve never detected it from her before. In fact the only person who ever normally feels that way is you.”
“What was it?” I asked, suddenly alarmed. What could Bella possibly be feeling that was foreign to Jasper?
“Guilt,” Jasper answered, frowning, “and self loathing,” he added, almost as an after-thought. “She absolutely detests herself Edward. It was so strong; it was painful for me to just be around her. But the weirdest thing was the nature of it; she was feeling it all the time, yet it didn’t seem to cause her too much pain. It was almost as if she’s so used to hating herself that the emotion has sort of just faded into the background. It’s normal for her now.”
I stared at Jasper, stricken. “But why?” I asked, my chest tight; the thought that my angel, so perfect in every single way, could possibly feel so horrible about herself was excruciating. I was different- I was a monster and had taken innocent lives- my self-hatred was unavoidable, but for Bella to feel the same way? What did she even have to feel guilty about? She had never sinned in her life. It was insane.
Jasper just shook his head, worriedly. “I have no idea; I can only tell you what she’s feeling, not why. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that she feels guilty over a single event; the emotion seemed too concentrated for several. But whatever the reason, I can tell you now that it’s not something which will change quickly. The guilt is so embedded in her now- it’ll be near impossible to rip it away. When you do finally get back together, it’ll still take months- maybe even years- to heal her completely.”
“I don’t care,” I said instantly, “I’ll be here for her for eternity, and whatever it takes to make things better I’ll do it.”
Jasper looked at me quizzically. “For eternity?” he asked, “do you realize what that means Edward? What you’ll have to do?”
“Yes,” I said, bowing my head. Bella would have to become a vampire. I had been mulling the concept over ever since we had returned to Rochester and although my mind still told me it was wrong to take away Bella’s life, my heart pleaded otherwise. I had already experienced what it would be like to lose Bella and I was certain that I could not cope with that again. I did not want to steal her soul, but I was resigned to the fact that I could not, would not let her go again. I wanted to be by her side forever… if she’d have me. I looked back to Bella’s window; the drapes were drawn. She must have closed them unnoticed by me during my conversation with Jasper. I wondered whether she had seen us and then, with a heavier heart, I wondered whether she was still angry at me about the motorcycle. The happiness I had felt at Jasper’s initial information had deflated to be replaced by an ominous sense of foreboding. I took one last glance at Bella’s covered window and sighed dejectedly, before pulling away from the curb and driving back down the street. “We better get back to the house,” I murmured to Jasper, “Esme will kill us if we’re not there to greet Tanya.”
*~*~*~*
Even as I sped into the tree lined driveway that led to our secluded mansion on the south bank of Lake Ontario, just outside Rochester, I knew I was too late. Not only could I hear the rest of the family’s voices, but their thoughts were ricocheting around inside of my head like particles of over-excited gas, making it ache. A quick glance at Jasper’s pained expression showed me that their emotions were similarly hyperactive. I drove the car to the front of the house and cut the engine, causing the lights to go out. Jasper and I sat there silently in the dark for a few moments, both unwilling to leave the sanctuary of the car.
We’d best go in, Jasper thought, without making any motion to move.
“Yes,” I nodded, staring unseeingly out of the windshield. There was a long pause as both of us just sat still, reluctant to leave the safety of the quiet vehicle.
Come on, Jasper finally thought decisively, let’s go inside before Tanya-
The car door suddenly swung open with a loud WHOOSH. Too late, I thought wryly. Standing with her hands on her hips, framed by the light that was flooding from the open front doors of the house, was a slim figure with long strawberry blonde hair and mischievous eyes. Tanya.
“Hello boys,” she said wickedly, an impish smile stretching across her ruby red painted lips. Jasper and I uncurled from our seats immediately and abandoned the car which, until two seconds ago, had been a safe haven. Tanya raised an eyebrow teasingly at me. Oh Edward, she thought coyly, you’re that eager to greet me? I should drop by more often.
“Good Evening Tanya,” I said stiffly. My patience with Tanya was even shorter than usual after all my confrontations with Bella, and I knew that I was going to have be extra careful if I didn’t want to disappoint Esme and Carlisle by being ‘unpleasant’ to our guest.
Tanya let out a low, sultry laugh. “Feeling a little formal tonight, are we Edward? Never fear; I’m sure we’ll straighten that out soon enough. The night is still young you know…” she let her sentence trail off suggestively. My hands clenched into fists and she laughed delightedly again, before turning her gaze to Jasper. “I see you still have your work cut out with this one Jazz,” she said, nodding at me amusedly, “keeping him calm must be a full time job.”
“Something like that,” Jasper said. His eyes were already searching over Tanya’s shoulder frantically for Alice, hoping that she’d come to save him.
“Let’s go inside,” I said to Tanya, as politely as I could. If I was forced to spend time with her then I wanted to do so in front of lots of witnesses; that would hopefully reduce the chances of anything undesirable happening.
“As you wish,” Tanya purred at me, taking hold of my hand and pulling me up the steps so fast that I barely had time to protest. We entered the hallway where everyone else were waiting for us. I immediately pulled my hand from Tanya’s grasp, but not before I got a glance of Emmett who was practically doubled up in silent laughter. Having fun, Edward? He grinned. I glared at him. Alice jumped up from where she had been sitting on the wide staircase and ran over to wrap her arms around Jasper’s waist.
“Hi,” she smiled, standing on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He smiled back and fingered her short black locks lovingly.
“Missed you,” he murmured back, linking his fingers through hers and bringing them to his lips, kissing them softly. From the corner of my eye I saw Tanya edge towards me and I instantly put more space between us. Don’t you dare get any ideas, I thought uselessly at her, ignoring the fact she wouldn’t be able to hear a word of it.
“How was Bella?” Alice asked Jasper, oblivious to the fact that everybody else was watching them.
“Bella?” Tanya interjected instantly, her eyes suddenly alight with curiosity.
I groaned, glaring at Alice. “Nice one,” I whispered bitterly.
Alice looked stricken. Sorry Edward, I didn’t think!
“Bella,” Tanya said, rolling the name across her tongue like it belonged to some sort of odd food, “wasn’t that the name of Edward’s human?” Nobody answered at first; instead they all just looked at me with baited breath. I didn’t say anything; I was trying too hard to stop myself from attacking Tanya for the casual way in which she had referred to Bella. Finally Carlisle spoke for me.
“Yes,” he said to Tanya, “Edward met Bella back in Forks six years ago-”
“I remember…” Tanya looked at me smugly and a knowing grin crossed her face. She was the one you ran away from, wasn’t she Edward? Do you remember the way you came running to me after you first met? What an interesting visit that was…
I growled involuntarily at her as memories of the time she had tried to seduce me came flashing into her head. “Stop.” I ordered her curtly.
She glanced at me, her eyes smouldering, before turning to face Carlisle again. “But isn’t the girl history? I thought you left Forks to escape her?” I was now so tense that I felt like I was going to explode; Jasper gave me an alarmed look and sent me a reinforced wave of calm. Keep it together, Edward, his thoughts cautioned me.
Rosalie stepped forward to address Tanya. “We did leave,” she said, “but she’s turned up here in Rochester. She’s teaching at the school we’ve been attending.” Tanya’s smile grew even wider.
“Really?” she asked, turning an entertained gaze on me, “she’s your teacher?” I jerkily inclined my head in acknowledgement, inwardly preparing myself for the insinuations Tanya’s mind would conjure from that piece of information; her grin grew even broader at my reaction. And you still have feelings for her? She thought, her smile turning devilish. Well, well, who knew Edward Cullen could be so very kinky? I was immediately assaulted with scandalously inappropriate mental pictures of myself dressed in nothing but a school tie and boxers as Tanya pushed me up against a wall, kissing me passionately… I felt my hands convulse as they darted out to throttle her, but I stopped myself just in time and staggered backwards, reaching out blindly for Jasper’s calming touch. He gripped my arm again, sending sedating waves through me.
“Edward!” Esme cried, shocked.
“Oh it’s okay Esme,” Tanya said, laughter rumbling in her low, rich voice. I like it when you get angry Edward, she thought seductively, go straight ahead; punish me if it gives you a release.
I cringed again and clutched my head in my hands. Make it stop! Make the innuendos stop!
“So Tanya,” Carlisle said hastily after anxiously noting my distress, “would you like to see the rest of the house?” He gestured towards the stairs and Esme, understanding his aim, immediately walked towards them. Tanya looked from Carlisle to me, clearly seeing the motive behind his question.
“Sure, why not?” she replied, There’ll be plenty of time to play with you later, she thought and winked at me unashamedly before following Esme up the stairs. As soon as she was out of sight I let out a deep breath, sinking to the floor. I could feel my siblings’ eyes on me, half amused, half sympathetic.
“Are you okay?” Alice asked, cautiously. I just moaned and shook my head. I could still hear Tanya’s thoughts from upstairs; she kept randomly sending me new imaginings of me in various states of undress, each one more creative than the last. I felt like I had walked into a low budget porn film.
“Oh come on Edward, it can’t be that bad,” Emmett said, rolling his eyes. I couldn’t even growl at him; I was too busy focusing on not killing Tanya.
“Trust me, it really is,” Jasper said, wincing as a new wave of Tanya’s lust mingled with my repulsion hit him. Emmett’s eyes widened as he looked at Jasper and me, both of us wearing similarly nauseated expressions.
“Okay, that’s it,” I choked out, as I an image of Tanya whipping me with my own tie floated into my head, “I’m getting out of here.”
“She’s only doing it to get a rise out of you Edward-” Rosalie said, clearly unimpressed by my weakness. I squirmed at her choice of words; ten minutes worth of Tanya’s thoughts had caused me to see innuendos everywhere. Jasper sensed my embarrassment and couldn’t help but laugh, which caused Emmett to see the joke and begin to guffaw loudly. “What?” Rosalie asked, irritated, “why are you both laugh-” she paused and a wicked smile crossed her face as it clicked. “Oh.”
“I’m leaving now,” I said quickly, not wanting this to continue. “Coming, Emmett?”
He grinned, clearly wanting to join in on the ‘Edward humiliation’, “I don’t know, are you?” This caused all of them to break out into laughter again, including Alice and Rosalie. I groaned again.
“Hilarious Emmett, your originality astounds me,” I said bitingly, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m going hunting, enjoy yourselves.”
“Oh, we will,” Emmett replied, waggling his eyebrows at me. I growled, frustrated, and ran through the door, unwilling to listen to any more of this. “Oh don’t be like that Edward, it’s just a joke!” Emmett called after me over the others’ laughter.
“We better go with him,” I heard Jasper chuckle, “c’mon Emmett.” In the distance I faintly heard both of my brothers say farewell to their wives, before chasing after me, spouting catcalls and provocative comments the whole way. I sighed.
“This is going to be a long night,” I muttered to myself, skirting the lake as I darted towards the woods where we usually hunted.
“That’s not the only thing that’s long Edward!” Emmett cried, laughing and I flinched. Their laughter rang in my ears as I charged into the cover of the trees.
Why me?
*~*~*~*
It was the early hours of Saturday evening before I finally felt ready to return to the house. In the intervening hours my brothers and I had killed enough animals to create a considerable dent in local wildlife statistics and drunk so much blood that our eyes were the lightest they had been in weeks. I was thankful for the opportunity to calm myself down, but it had come at an extreme cost- mainly Emmett and Jaspers’ incessant teasing and by the time I got back to the house I was sure that I had heard enough dirty jokes to last me an eternity.
All was quiet as we walked through the front doors; there was no sign of the rest of the family. “Where is everybody?” Jasper asked, perplexed. I glanced back out to the driveway, which was mainly cast in shadows by the setting sun. Rosalie’s car was gone, but the others were still there.
“Well Rose and Alice must still be with Bella,” Emmett said, sauntering through to the living room and throwing himself down on the couch, where he grabbed two games console controllers, tossing one to Jasper. “Wanna play?” he asked me, but I just shook my head. My stomach had clenched at the mention of Bella; Tanya’s arrival had blown almost all thoughts of her from my mind. I instantly began to wonder whether Bella had enjoyed her day out with my sisters and then, more pressingly, whether she had said anything to them about me. I doubted that Alice would have said much to her- she knew that I wanted to sort things out with Bella on my own- but I wasn’t so sure about Rosalie. I started to feel very uneasy; the last thing I wanted was for Bella to get some garbled second-hand version of my apology from Rosalie. Suddenly I heard voices from the backyard and I looked out to see Carlisle and Esme walking towards us hand in hand, their skin sparkling slightly in the sun’s dying rays. They looked like they were coming from the lake, which was all very well, but that still left Tanya missing. Then I felt something move three floors above. I narrowed my eyes; the only room on the fourth floor was…
“TANYA!” I bellowed, “GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” I bolted up three flights stairs at lightning speed, bursting through my bedroom door to find her sitting on my bed, dressed in a shamefully low-cut top and a garment so short it hardly even resembled a skirt.
That’s right, get an eyeful. She smiled wickedly. “Nice of you to join me darling,” she drawled, her eyes dancing. This is going to be fun… she thought.
“Get. Off. Now.” I growled at her threateningly. She raised her eyebrows at me challengingly, before a devious smile crossed her face.
Make me.
I gritted my teeth; the knowledge that she thrived on my anger only served to make me even more irate. “Tanya, if you don’t get the hell out of my room RIGHT NOW-”. Suddenly, my phone rang. I checked the caller info- it was Alice. I shot Tanya a ‘this isn’t over’ death look, before flipping the cell open. “Hello?” I asked brusquely.
“Edward?”
“What do you want Alice? I’m kind of busy at the moment,” murdering Tanya, I added in my mind.
“I’m just ringing to tell you that Rose and I are on our way home… and we’re bringing Bella,” Alice trilled happily down the phone.
I froze, shocked. “S-she’s coming here?”
“Yep!” Alice practically sang, “tell Esme not to worry, I’ve already bought human food. See ya in five!”
“Alice wait, I-” I shouted down the phone, but she had already hung up. I stared at it in my hand, thunderstruck. I hadn’t expected to see Bella so soon after our argument and I was suddenly doubtful, despite Jasper’s assurances that she loved me the night before. What if he had been wrong? What should I say to her? Would she still be too angry over the motorcycle incident to even talk to me?
“So, Bella’s coming here!” a voice from behind me said and I whipped around to see Tanya watching me from my bed. I was surprised to see that she wasn’t affronted or irritated in any way- just slightly amused. Tanya had always found the fact that I was ‘in love’ with a human as vaguely interesting- a reason for curiosity, but not exactly a huge deal. She was certain that my feelings for Bella were nothing more than an odd crush, stemming from the fact that I was fascinated by her humanity. It had definitely never been reason enough for her to stop all her advances towards me.
“Yes,” I said shortly. I had absolutely no desire to talk to Tanya about this subject, least of all when I was so stressed. I didn’t wait for her to ask my questions, but exited the room and began to run downstairs. “Carlisle? Esme?” I called, not even bothering to look back for Tanya. They both appeared almost instantly at my side. I briefly filled them in on the situation and their resultant exclamations of delight caused Jasper and Emmett to come curiously out of the lounge.
“What’s going on?” Emmett asked.
“Bella’s coming!” Esme smiled widely. Emmett whooped and Jasper sent me a significant look. This is your chance, Edward, he thought to me. I nodded very briefly at him, before turning back to Esme, who had already launched into full ‘Mom mode’. “Emmett, you can go warm up the oven for Bella’s food, Jasper and Carlisle can move the cars into the garage and I’ll go tidy up the lounge.” She paused for breath and turned to look me up and down critically. “Edward, go and change.”
“What?” I asked distractedly, my thoughts still on Bella.
“Go and change out of those clothes; you look an absolute sight,” Esme tutted. I looked down at my scuffed jeans and slightly ripped shirt- results from a day’s hard hunting. I opened my mouth to protest, but Esme and the others had already whisked from the room in a hurry of preparation, leaving just me and Tanya standing alone in the hallway. She was still smiling slightly. All this for a human! She thought curiously, I wonder what she’s like? Then she noticed me watching her and her face cracked into another coquettish smirk.
“So Edward,” she purred, “would you like help getting out of those dirty clothes?”
I scowled at her. “I’m not going to put on new clothes,” I said petulantly- like I could think of fashion at a time of this.
“Who said anything about putting on new ones?” Tanya provocatively, “I was just asking whether you wanted to take those ones off.” I growled at her and she grinned innocently, “What? I’m just trying to help!”
“Sure, very helpful,” I muttered angrily, turning away.
“Oh don’t be like that,” she said, putting her arm around my waist and drawing herself in towards me. I looked at her with narrowed eyes; she was planning something- I could tell by the way she was purposefully blocking her thoughts.
“Tanya, what are you doing-” I began, but before I could complete the sentence I felt her grab the material of my shirt and rip it away from me with full force. The seams snapped and the poor garment tore completely away, leaving me standing topless in the middle of the hallway.
“Tanya!” I hissed, livid, “What the hell did you do that for?”
“Would you like help removing the rest too?” she said, leaning in, her voice low and sultry.
I swelled with anger about to roar at her, but before I could even form words, there was a quick gasp from the other side of the room. We both spun around, I half naked and Tanya holding my shirt, her hand still resting compromisingly on my chest. Unnoticed by either of us, the front door had swung open to reveal…

Oh shit.

”Bella!”

*~*~*~*

Chapter 9

I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
I lay dying
and I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I’m dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

BPOV

I awoke on Saturday morning to an icily cold and very silent apartment. It took five minutes, three extra layers of clothing on top of my pyjamas and very fluffy slippers to persuade me to leave the relative warmth of my duvet and go and investigate the reason as to why I was currently living in sub zero temperatures. On my way over to the kitchen, I glanced out of the window and paused. The street was absolutely deserted; it was completely devoid of the usual melee of cars, buses and pedestrians that made up Saturday morning traffic in Rochester. Snow covered everything in sight, from rooftops to driveways to lampposts. I groaned; it looked like at least two feet of new snow had fallen overnight. That explained away the silence, but it didn’t give me any clue as to why my apartment had suddenly become akin to a fridge freezer. Shivering, I entered the kitchen and flung open the cupboard that housed my boiler. My heart sank; it clearly wasn’t working and the red ‘seek assistance’ light was flickering on and off. There was no way that I’d be able to get a technician to come out and fix it in this sort of weather; by the looks of it the roads hadn’t even been gritted yet. I rang the boiler company, only to have my worst fears confirmed when I was told they would be unable to send someone until Tuesday at the earliest. Incensed, I collected more blankets from my bedroom and created a makeshift cocoon on my couch, glowering at the clock. It was 9.30 am; I had about an hour and a half until Alice and Rosalie showed up. If they’re still coming, I thought doubtfully to myself. Even if the awful weather didn’t dampen Alice’s fervour for shopping, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if my stunt with the bike would cause her to change her mind. Last night it had seemed like a clever thing to do, but once I had arrived home and come down from the high I had felt at outsmarting Edward, I began to feel uneasy. I knew from experience that Edward’s anger had far reaching consequences within his family. What if he had been so enraged by my behaviour that he had forced the family to leave Rochester? I had to admit that that scenario, although so desirable to me a few weeks ago, had now become most unappealing. Whether I liked it or not, I now depended on seeing Edward every day. He was a drug and I was an addict who hadn’t had a fix for years; my craving for him was inevitable. If the Cullens left now… I didn’t even want to think about what it would do to me. Jacob had been right; this time I was alone. With nobody to put me back together, how could I possibly survive the pain of Edward leaving? I shivered again, but this time it had nothing to do with the cold. I flicked on the television in an attempt to distract myself and after a few minutes I came across the weather forecast.

“The very low temperatures in the state of New York look set to continue, but hopefully the winds will pick up by next Tuesday and blow the clouds in a more northerly direction. In Rochester there are more snow storms expected tonight and motorists are reminded to watch out for-”

I turned the screen off abruptly, unwilling to listen to more of the same. Great, I thought to myself, it’s going to be cold everywhere. Why did I choose to live here, again? I didn’t know the answer, but relocating out of Rochester was becoming more and more appealing by the hour. For a long time I just sat in silence, staring unseeingly into space. It was ironic that, although I had initially detested the idea of moving to Forks, it was there that I had experienced the happiest time of my life. I had so many memories of the small town, both good and bad, whereas here I had none; unless you counted those that concerned Edward. He had been in Rochester for less than a month and already every recollection I had of the place had somehow become related to him. It was crazy- I loved him so much my heart ached, yet at the same time I still felt so much anger towards him. On one level it seemed as though thinking about my love for Edward was a betrayal of the worst kind- to me, to Jacob and… to Brady. I winced as the name came rushing to the fore-front of my mind and I felt my ever-present emotions of guilt and self-loathing magnify a hundred-fold. Yet another reason to go back to Forks. I hadn’t seen him for years, not since I had left home six years ago; there had always been a reason or an excuse to prevent my visiting him, but really it was because I was too much of a coward to go. I sighed. Jacob was right; I couldn’t keep running from the past forever.

I was distracted from my thoughts by the beeping of a clock and I was surprised to see that an hour had passed already. Very reluctantly, I dragged myself off of the couch and into my bedroom to change. In the event that Rosalie and Alice did show up, I knew they’d be less than impressed to find me wearing pyjamas. I changed as quickly as possible into clothes similar to those worn by early Arctic explorers. Forget fashion, my main objective today would be not freezing to death. I was just zipping up a huge woolly jacket when I heard the unmistakeable sound of a vehicle coming down the street outside. The noise grew louder until it was just outside my window and then cut out. I waddled over to my bedroom window- my movement was impaired by all the layers I was wearing- and instantly burst out laughing at what I saw. Parked on the curb directly below my window was Emmett’s jeep, but as I had never seen it before. Its massive waist-high tires were contained within snow chains thicker than my wrist and there were even more spotlights attached to the crash bar, all of which were blazing brightly, their electric light making the snow sparkle like a vampire’s skin. But the best part- or worst, depending on your outlook- was the industrial sized snow-plough that had been nailed to the front of the jeep. It at least four feet wide and painted a shiny red which matched the car’s hardtop perfectly. I shook my head incredulously; I had been an idiot to think that Alice would let a little thing like a snowstorm get in the way of a shopping trip. The aforementioned tiny vampire had already leapt out of the jeep and was waving frantically at me. “COME ON BELLA!” she mouthed at me, beaming. I smiled back and nodded, before retreating into the flat and getting my things. Within five minutes I was outside on the sidewalk with Alice.

“Hi Bella!” she said perkily, flashing a winning smile at me. “Whatdya think of the jeep?”

“It’s… very inventive,” I grinned at her, taking in the monstrous vehicle, “where did you get the plough?”

“Oh that little thing?” Alice smirked at me, her eyes sparkling merrily, “it was just something Emmett had lying around.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sure it was.” It was obvious that the jeep had been modified for my benefit. In the old days I would’ve been irritated that Alice had gone to so much trouble for me, but now I was just thankful that she cared. Funny how my perspective on things like that had changed as I got older; perhaps it had taken experience of life without the Cullens to teach me that I had been foolish, and more than a little rude, to constantly reject their attempts to please me. I accepted Alice’s help as she opened one of the rear doors and hoisted me effortlessly up into the back seat, where I was instantly hit by a wall of inviting warmth from the heater. Rosalie was sitting in the driver’s seat, her eyes fixed determinedly on the snowy road in front of her. As I fought with the many buckled seatbelt her gaze flickered briefly towards me, before turning straight back to the road. I shook my head sadly; clearly that was the extent of greeting I was going to get. Alice jumped into the seat in the front next to Rosalie.

“So,” she said happily, turning around to face me, “where do you want to go?”

“Um,” I said, distracted by the roar of the engines as Rosalie turned the key in the ignition and pulled back into the street. Even despite the plough and all the snow it was collecting, she managed to maintain an above average speed. What was it with vampires and cars? “I don’t know Alice, will anywhere even be open in this weather?”

Alice rolled her eyes at me. “Silly Bella, anywhere is open if you’ve got one of these.” She flashed her credit card at me, grinning.

I shook my head. Same old Alice. “Well I haven’t exactly been shopping much in the city; I’m sure you’ve got a better idea of where to go.” That was putting it mildly. Apart from visits to school, the library and the groceries store, I was pretty much a recluse.

“Okay!” Alice said delightedly and turned to Rosalie before launching into a series of directions. It was obvious that she had already anticipated my response and planned accordingly. I settled back into my seat and let her words wash over me as I enjoyed the sensation of being properly warm for the first time in hours.

To my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed our shopping trip. We targeted one of the more ‘upmarket’ malls to the North of the city (Alice’s decision) and although I didn’t exactly relish the way I was forced to constantly try on very expensive clothes, I had a lot of fun watching Alice and Rosalie dress up. They were just so beautiful, it was hard not to be entranced by them and it was clear that the shop assistants felt the same way; we all watched them in awe as they giggled and went through outfit after outfit- all designer, of course. They shone like dancing flames, and we mere mortals were all just moths desperate to bask in their glow. But humans who play with fire always get burnt, a voice whispered at the back of my mind and I looked at them both with different eyes. I alone of all the humans present knew the sorrow that was ever present behind their outward shows of happiness and the price which came with their beauty and youth. Did I want to be a part of that? The obvious answer was YES, but when I thought about it more seriously, I wasn’t so sure any more. My desire to become a vampire had always hung on the fact that I would be with Edward eternally, but now that that was no longer an option, I had begun to pay more attention to the drawbacks of immortality. To be constantly stuck in a body that could not age or develop, to be unable to stay in contact with any of my friends or family and to drink blood… I inwardly shuddered. Perhaps Edward had been right- it was stupid to wish away something as precious as humanity.

We continued to shop, flitting from boutique to boutique, collecting more shopping bags as we went. Despite my reluctance to try on clothes, Alice seemed determined to supply me with an entire new wardrobe and by the time we stopped for lunch at 2.00pm, I was lugging nine shopping bags filled with an array of different garments. Once we sat down to eat, however, I started to wish we could continue shopping. We decided that I would eat- obviously the other two had no desire to consume human food- at the Italian bistro situated in the centre of the mall and once I had finished ordering Alice fixed me with a determined gaze and I suddenly knew what topic she was going to talk about. Edward. I had so far managed to steer blissfully clear from that subject, but I had a feeling that my luck was about to run out. Desperate to delay her questioning as long as possible, I pretended to become fascinated by the menu and insisted on having the waiter translate every single dish from Italian into English. He eagerly obliged, but I suspected that was mainly so he could eye up Rosalie in the process. If he had been expecting to be successful, however, he was sorely disappointed- she spent the entire performance staring moodily into space and he eventually left with a look of dissatisfaction on his face. As soon as he was out of earshot, Alice began to speak.

“So Bella,” she began, her voice over-casual, “you and Edward seemed to be getting on better last night.” I just looked at her silently. Really? I mean really? Was this in real life, or was this in Alice’s imaginary world where everything was glittery and fluffy and perfect? Alice seemed to detect my scepticism, because she instantly elaborated on her words. “Well, you were until that thing with the bike- which was totally awesome, by the way.”

That surprised me. “Wait, you thought that was awesome?”

“Sure!” she smiled, “It’s about time you took control of your relationship with Edward.”

“I’d hardly call it a relationship,” I muttered darkly, moodily taking my hot chocolate from the tray of drinks the waiter had just delivered. “More like a prolonged feud.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure,” she said sarcastically, “there’s absolutely nothing between you and Edward whatsoever- he’s only pretending to be madly in-”

“Alice,” Rosalie cut in warningly. I looked at her with surprise; I had almost forgotten she was there- I had been so focused on Alice. Alice seemed to have forgotten her too, because she suddenly looked sheepish as though she had been caught doing something forbidden. She changed the subject at the speed of light. “Uh, where do you think the waiter is with your food?”

But I wasn’t letting her get away with that. “What were you going to say?”

“Who, me? Nothing, I-” Alice feigned innocence.

“Don’t play that game with me Alice, what were you going to say about Edward?”

“I-” she trailed off. I continued to watch her with narrowed eyes.

“Yes?”

Rosalie sighed. “Well done Alice, Edward is going to be delighted.”

I shot her a look of confusion. ‘Delighted?’ What did that mean? Suddenly something clicked and my eyes widened. “Wait, Edward told Alice she wasn’t allowed to talk to me?” I instantly felt a swell of anger towards him- he wasn’t even here and he was STILL trying to control my life.

“Only about certain topics,” Alice clarified hurriedly.

“Like what?!”

“Like, uh…” she floundered for a couple of moments, her loyalties clearly vacillating between Edward and me. “He said I couldn’t… that I wasn’t allowed to… talk about how he…” Alice trailed off again, looking helplessly at Rosalie.

The blonde vampire looked up from the menu she had been surveying with distaste and rolled her eyes impatiently. “Oh, come on Bella; it’s not that hard to figure out,” she said snappily at me. I gaped at her; I couldn’t remember Rosalie ever addressing me by name before. What did she mean? Rosalie watched my confusion and sighed. “I thought she was supposed to be intelligent…” she muttered darkly to Alice, before fixing me with narrowed eyes. “Edward doesn’t want us to talk to you about certain topics that he would rather discuss with you himself. Have you really got no idea what those topics might be?”

I stared at Rosalie, nonplussed. Certain topics? But Edward and I had already discussed everything- what we had both done since Forks, what we were doing now and- I cringed at the memory- my new liking for motorcycles. There was nothing left to talk about, unless… I suddenly thought of what Alice had just said: ‘…about time you took control of your relationship with Edward’. If I hadn’t known better I would’ve thought that the word ‘relationship’ implied… but no, it was ridiculous. I knew that Edward didn’t love me and nothing Alice said could override my certainty. Why would he? I was plain, pathetic, boring and unattractive and even in the slim chance that Edward saw past all those failings, he had already made it crystal clear that he no longer cared for me. If he did, he would have told me by now, he would have let me kiss him in the classroom. He never would have left in the first place.

And yet, I couldn’t truthfully say that the news that Alice and Rosalie believed otherwise wasn’t slightly encouraging. If they, who knew Edward so well, truly thought that he still had feelings for me, then perhaps there was some truth to Alice’s words. Edward and I were nowhere near lovers, but maybe we could eventually be friends. I suddenly felt confidence creep through me, warming my heart and making my cheeks glow. It was a nice but unfamiliar feeling.

I didn’t follow much of the conversation after that. Both Alice and Rosalie seemed to think they had pushed their luck to the absolute limits, because neither of them mentioned Edward again. Instead, Rosalie fished a magazine out of her bag and began to read, whilst Alice focused on the much safer topic of clothes. Unfortunately for me, she wasn’t quite satisfied with my share of the morning’s spoils, which mainly consisted of very pretty, but very conservative clothing that I could also wear to work. I had downright refused to even try on anything more outlandish, but Alice had still managed to sneak a couple of questionable items into my bags. Once the food had been cleared away I discovered one such garment for the first time- it was a rectangular piece of denim so miniscule it resembled a dishcloth, yet the manufacturers had had the audacity to label it as a skirt.

“I am not wearing this,” I spluttered as I pulled the offending piece of material from one of the bags.

“Why not?” Alice asked, a faint look of surprise crossing her flawless features, “it’s your size.”

“It’s tiny!”

“That’s the style,” she maintained calmly, going back to looking critically through the clothes I had chosen.

I just gaped at her, my eyes flicking from the stonewashed travesty masquerading as a skirt to the pixie like vampire in front of me. Finally, I said, “Alice, I just don’t wear things like this.”

She frowned, her otherwise smooth forehead creasing momentarily as she looked back to me. “But why, Bella?”

Because I look like an idiot? “Because it doesn’t suit me!”

“Rubbish,” Alice scoffed, turning back to my bags. “You’re beautiful Bella, when are you going to start seeing it?”

Huh. Me, beautiful. Yeah sure. I looked back to the skirt and a voice whispered in the back of my mind, You don’t wear clothes like this because you have no one to wear them for. It was true; I couldn’t remember the last time I had dressed to impress a guy. I certainly hadn’t been on a date for years; in fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I had even properly spoken to a guy who wasn’t a student or a colleague outside of a work environment. And as for anything further… well let’s just say that my experience of sex had begun and ended with Jacob on a single excruciatingly awkward night in the summer after my senior year. The word ‘disaster’ didn’t quite cover it, not least because I started crying half way through when I realised that the hot skin I was touching couldn’t be further from the cold skin that I craved. Jake had been as understanding as a teenage boy can be in such a situation, which is to say far more than I deserved. He had stopped immediately, we hadn’t tried again and he had never pressured me to do so, but it was the penultimate event in a series of many which forced us to break up. The last straw had been Brady’s ‘accident’ several months later…

“Bella?” Suddenly I realised that Alice was talking to me and I dragged myself from my thoughts.

“Yes?”

“I mean seriously, you dress like an old woman,” Alice said despairingly, as she pulled a pair of clunky loafers from the depths of one of my carrier bags. I had snuck them when she hadn’t been looking, guessing that she wouldn’t approve of my choice in footwear. It was obvious from her disgusted expression that I had predicted correctly. “What are these?! Really?? Why do you insist on buying clothes that look more at home in an old persons’ hospice?”

“Well I am older now Alice-” I began noncommittally. The truth was that I liked those clothes because they allowed me to hide; If I made myself as undesirable to men as possible then I didn’t have to suffer their advances and be reminded of Edward.

Alice snorted, a sound that was as un-vampire as it was possible to get. “Twenty-four is NOT old.”

“But it’s older than you and Rosalie- it’s even older than Carlisle!” and almost seven years older than Edward, my subconscious completed.

“Yes Bella, in human years. But we’re vampires! To us, anything below thirty is practically pre-pubescent. And anyway, you barely look a day over twenty.”

“I look older than you.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Everyone looks older than me, I’m 4 foot 10!”

I laughed, despite of myself. “Okay, point taken,” I said resignedly. Alice’s eyes lit up.

“Really?” she asked excitedly, “Does that mean you’ll let me choose whatever you buy from now on?”

“Um…” would I regret this? Most probably, but experience had taught me that it was far easier to just agree than to argue with Alice’s schemes. “Sure, I guess,” I finished lamely. This resulted in a lot of excited squealing from Alice, so much so that Rosalie actually deigned to look up from her magazine. Alice decided that it was time to leave the restaurant, so we paid the bill to the disgruntled waiter who hadn’t been impressed by the way two of our party had completely ignored their plates of food, took our bags and went back to the mall.

“Ten shops down, only twelve left to go!” Alice cried happily over her shoulder. I groaned and, if I hadn’t known better, I could’ve sworn that Rosalie had too.

Four hours, twelve bags and several thousand dollars later, we left the mall. The roads had been salted since the morning and were effectively free of snow, rendering the jeep’s plough even more ridiculous than before. As we pulled into my street I was uncomfortably aware of the way passers-by were staring at us. I suddenly realised how this would look to outsiders; Bella Swan the hermit had gone out shopping with two of her students from school- two students who just happened to be the sisters of the one she apparently hated. I sunk lower in my seat so to hide my face from the people on the street. I sure had a knack for attracting gossip.

As soon as the jeep came to a halt, I jumped out of the passenger door, grabbing my stuff as I went. “Well girls that was fun!” I said quickly, my eyes darting around anxiously for eavesdroppers, “we should definitely do it again sometime. I have to go now, okay bye!” I tried to turn tail and scurry up the steps to my apartment but, weighed down as I was by shopping bags, I managed to lose my footing on the ice and skid comically. Before I fell flat on my face, however, Alice caught me and effortlessly stood me upright again.

“Bella,” she said as she took some of my bags and carried them up the steps for me, “Rosalie and I have been wondering whether you’d like to… to come back to our house this evening. We’ll buy lots of human food, so you don’t have to worry about that. Carlisle and Esme and the boys all really miss you- none of them can wait to see you again and so we thought that maybe…” she trailed off hopefully.

I stared at her. What could I say? Although my day with his sisters had boosted my confidence as far as Edward was concerned, I wasn’t sure that I was ready to spend an entire evening with him. I was still angry towards him for the way he had responded to my motorbike and I didn’t want to give him the chance to start another argument. But I couldn’t deny that spending Saturday evening with my favourite family in the world- the Cullens- was more appealing than shivering alone in my freezing apartment. “Well I-” I began, still unsure about what answer I would give.

“Please, Bella?” Alice said imploringly.

As I looked into her eyes, the solution suddenly came to me. I would go to the Cullens’, but only if I was allowed to ride my bike there. That way, I would have a quick and easy means of escape if things got too awkward. Edward would probably get angry again, but I decided that inciting his wrath was a chance I would have to take, and anyway, I was tired of him telling me what to do. I would never usually volunteer to ride my motorcycle outdoors on such a cold day, especially with the roads in such poor conditions, but I would have to sacrifice my comfort for convenience. I quickly shared my plan with Alice. At first she wasn’t at all keen on the idea, but after a bit of pleading, she seemed to come round. “- and anyway,” I added, “there are so many bags in the jeep that I can hardly fit in there as it is and once we stop to buy food it’ll be even worse…” I waited with baited breath for her response.

“Okay, fine,” Alice finally said huffily, “but if Edward asks, this had nothing to do with me, okay?”

“Of course!” I cried happily, hugging her. Together we took the shopping bags up to my apartment where I exchanged them for my leather jacket, helmet and keys. Then we came back to the street outside to find an annoyed Rosalie waiting outside the jeep. Alice filled her in on the situation and after a single ‘Edward is going to FREAK’ she agreed to drive more slowly than usual so that I could follow them to their house.

We set off, Rosalie and Alice in the jeep with me following behind on the bike. The icy wind whipped against me, chilling the few uncovered section of my skin to the bone and I was thankful for the protection of the helmet. The drive was easy, but the condition of the roads meant that it took longer than I had expected and once we had stopped to buy food, it was about 7.30pm when we finally arrived at the Cullen mansion. I was struck by an irresistible sense of déjà vu as we turned up the long driveway leading from the highway. Lined by tall trees, it was very similar to the one they had had in Forks. The similarities continued once we came into view of the house, which was very large and surrounded by snow-topped trees. However this house was made from beautiful red brick instead of white and my knowledge of local geography told me that it must back onto the lake, instead of a river. I came to a slow stop on the edge of the drive in front of the house and cut the bike’s engines. I jumped off onto the hard packed snow with a soft thud and waved at Alice who was just getting out of the jeep.

“This house is gorgeous,” I said admiringly, as I walked towards her. “I thought the one you had in Forks was amazing, but this is just… wow.” Alice held the jeep door open for Rosalie whilst she unloaded the shopping bags. Once they were all out, she closed the door and smiled at me wickedly.

“You know what else is amazing, Bella?” she asked innocently.

“What?”

“Snow!” she giggled, and before I could form a response, she had hurled a handful of it at me. The snowball smashed into the side of my face, sending shivers down my spine. I shouted in protest and immediately began to form snowballs of my own. Before long, Alice and I were engaging in a full blown snowball fight, giggling and shouting as we pelted each other and used the cars to hide behind. Rosalie took cover in the garage the minute she saw the snow flying- she obviously didn’t want her hair to be ruined- leaving just Alice and I. Alice’s vampire speed and strength were proving to be a huge advantage and within minutes it became clear that I would be unable to fight her off much longer. Giving up, I ran laughing towards the house in an attempt to find cover. I was just stumbling up the porch steps when I heard Alice shout from behind me, her voice suddenly serious.

“No Bella, wait! Don’t open the door-”

“What, so you can throw more snow at me? No chance!” I scoffed teasingly. Sure, like I’d fall for that one! Grinning, I pushed the door and it swung open effortlessly at my touch.

Standing in the entrance hall, directly in front of the doors, were two figures. I recognised the first immediately- it was Edward. For a split second, I didn’t register anything but his beautiful face, but then I felt my heart stop as I took the entire scene in. Edward was standing, half naked, in the middle of the room with a breathtakingly beautiful woman draped all over him. Oh my God, she’s actually HOLDING his shirt my mind blithered.I couldn’t help myself- I gasped loudly in shock. They both turned around to face me, similar expressions of surprise on their faces. Within a couple of seconds, the woman’s ruby painted lips had stretched into an amused smile. She really was stunning; she possessed the sort of looks that could only be rivalled by Rosalie’s. I felt my insides disappear as I took in her tumbling strawberry blonde curls, her eyes the colour of purest honey and her perfectly proportioned figure. So this is what Edward meant by ‘distractions’. My cheeks began to burn in mortification- how could I have dreamed even for a moment that Edward would still love me? As if I could ever be in the same league as him or women like the strawberry blonde. Of course he would choose her perfection over my mediocrity.

“Bella!” Edward choked out, his topaz eyes wide with shock. He brushed off his companion’s hand and took a step towards me. I tried to focus on his face, but the small matter of his muscled chest- which, to my defence, I had never seen fully uncovered before- was distracting me. Then, as my eyes my eyes raked over his perfectly defined abs, I heard the blonde woman laugh quietly. The heat rose in my cheeks as I realised what I had just been doing. I just ogled a student. God, kill me now. It all became too much.

“I-I’m s-sorry to interrupt,” I stuttered, averting my eyes from the couple in shame.

“No wait, Bella!”

I span around and lurched back through the door, ignoring Edward’s words from behind me. I didn’t want to hear his apologies or explanations- they meant nothing to me. I knew what I had seen with my eyes; Edward had clearly been very ‘busy’ with his blonde visitor and I had no desire to intrude. I all but fell out onto the porch, right at the feet of Alice, who had sprinted up the steps in a blur. She stared at me, horrified. I pushed past her and walked as quickly as I could down the steps.

“Bella!” Alice called after me, whizzing in front of me to block my path, “it’s not what you think, he-” she tried to explain, hurriedly.

“Did you see that happening?” I whispered as quietly as I could, hyper-aware of the fact that Edward would be able to hear every word.

“Yes, but-” Alice continued. It suddenly all made sense; that must have been why she had warned me not to go in the house. She had had a vision of me walking in on Edward and his ‘companion’ and had wanted to prevent it happening, but why? So she could continue telling me that he loved me? I felt a flash of anger towards her. How dare she lead me on like that?

“Listen,” I said, interrupting her, “I don’t care. No seriously, Edward is perfectly entitled to spend time with whoever he likes. Now if you excuse me, I have to get going.” I side-stepped her again and started walking towards my motorbike.

“But Bella!” she again appeared beside me, a very hurt expression on her face, “You said you’d stay tonight, you said you wanted to see the others!” I felt a twinge of guilt beneath my embarrassment and anger.

“I know I did, but… well, I don’t think it was the best idea. I just can’t…” I trailed off, unable to put my pain into words. It was just so hard to be around Edward and to know that he was happy without me; it hurt so much to see that he had been able to move on whereas I was still as addicted to him as I had been at eighteen. Before I could voice any of this, however, I heard a male voice call me from behind.

“Bella!” Alice and I both turned around to see Carlisle sweeping from the garage across the snow-covered drive towards us. Several paces behind him was Jasper, who was staring intently at Alice in his usual form of silent communication. Even further behind Jasper I could see a now fully-clothed Edward wincing on the porch as he was chastised by a severely angry Esme. Oh God, I cringed, she’s telling him off! For my sake! Could this be more mortifying? My blush darkened as I turned back to face Carlisle who, judging from his unruffled expression, had no idea what had just occurred. He opened his hands in a welcoming gesture, but I sensed him glance confusedly at my flustered face. “It’s wonderful to see you Bella,” he said kindly, “we’re delighted that you could come this evening.”

“Uh, thank you Carlisle,” I said uncomfortably.

“I understand you’ll be staying for dinner?”

“Oh,” I said hastily, “oh that doesn’t matter, it’s probably too inconvenient for you. I should go home.” I was hoping that he would agree; I suddenly wanted to be as far from the Cullen household as possible.

“Not at all,” Carlisle said graciously, “it’s a pleasure to have you here. Would you like to come inside and warm up? It’s very cold out here.” I knew he was only saying it for my benefit- as a vampire the temperature was immaterial to him. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to be rude, but neither did I want to go inside and be subjected to more public displays of affection between Edward and his blonde.

“Well,” I said, still deliberating. From the corner of my eye I noticed Alice shoot a pointed glance at Jasper and I instantly felt overpowered by a wave of calm confidence. I scowled at him, but he just grinned at me apologetically, before reinforcing the emotion with an even stronger dose. I struggled to fight it for a couple of seconds with absolutely no effect. Finally I exhaled, intelligent enough to recognise defeat. “Okay,” I said quietly to Carlisle, “I suppose a couple of drinks couldn’t hurt…”

“Excellent,” he beamed. “If you’d like to-” he was interrupted by a jubilant whoop. We all looked around to see Emmett darting out of one of the mansion’s many side doors.

“YEAH! Bella’s here!” he shouted happily, appearing by my side in a second and wrapping his arms around me in a huge bear hug.

“Thanks Emmett,” I gasped, my chest constricted by his grip, “it’s great to see you too.” He let go of me and grinned hugely.

“D’ya wanna see the inside of the house?”

“Um, sure,” I replied, trying to sound as enthusiastic as I could. “Lead the way.” I followed him back inside, my eyes fixed determinedly on a point several feet wide of the bronze haired figure on the porch. Just because I was spending time with Edward’s family, didn’t mean I had to acknowledge him. I sensed him take a step towards me and murmur my name as I passed, but I just walked past with my head held high. Perhaps if I acted like nothing had just happened then none of the rest of the family would have to learn of my embarrassing discovery. Once I had stepped inside I was greeted warmly by Esme, who seemed very keen to make me as comfortable as possible. Unfortunately, my plan to feign nonchalance was ruined when the blonde stranger sashayed back into the room.

“Oh,” Emmett said, glancing at her, “Bella, this is Tanya, she’s a good friend of ours, isn’t that right Edward?” He turned good-naturedly to his brother, obviously wanting to include him in the conversation. Edward had just slunk silently through the doors, but as Emmett spoke he stopped dead in his tracks and sent him what could only be described as a death-glare. Emmett looked back at him astounded. “What?” he asked incredulously, “all I said was-”

“Emmett, stop.” Alice ordered quickly, her eyes darting from me to Edward. Then she said something far too quickly for my human ears to understand, but it was obvious from her tone that she was explaining what had just happened. I shuffled self-consciously and then felt my cheeks flame red as everybody looked at me.The atmosphere in the room had suddenly become very tense. Nobody spoke, instead preferring to watch me intently. I did not meet their eyes, unwilling to see their pitying expressions. Thanks Alice, I thought bitterly, like I need more people feeling sorry for me. There was more silence for a few seconds, as I tried to find a way to change the subject. However just as I was opening my mouth to speak, I felt something vibrate in my jacket pocket. It was my cell phone. I looked at it in surprise for a couple of seconds; I had forgotten I even had it on me.

“Excuse me,” I said to the room at large, “I better go take this.” Relieved to have a legitimate reason to escape the excruciatingly awkward silence of the hallway, I quickly opened the doors, taking great care not to touch Edward on my way out. Once outside, I flipped open the lid of my phone to see that I had a total of five missed calls. I checked the caller ID and felt my stomach drop as I saw Jacob’s name spelt out in block capitals. Why would he have called me five times? Was it possible he knew that I was at the Cullens’? But no, that was ridiculous, how could he know? He was thousands of miles away in Forks and although he had many extraordinary talents, being psychic was not one of them. As I cleared the screen, I realised that Jake had also left me a voicemail message. I dialled the number to my inbox, an unexplainable feeling of foreboding creeping through me. I waited impatiently as the automated welcome message informed me of the time and date of my message; Jacob had called whilst I was driving, no wonder I hadn’t heard it. Then the message came to an end and there was a loud beep, followed by Jacob’s deep voice.

“Bella!” I immediately knew something was very wrong. Jacob sounded frantic and on edge; his voice was fraught and there was a lot of background noise to his call which meant I had to concentrate to understand his next words. “Bella I’ve been ringing you again and again, where the hell are you? I’ve tried your house phone too, I even tried ringing the school for Christ’s sake, before I remembered it’s a Saturday,” Jake said heatedly down the phone. “Why aren’t you at home? You never go out on a weekend, why the fuck did you have to choose this one?” My eyes widened as I heard how angry he was. What’s going on? I couldn’t think what could have made Jacob so stressed that he was taking his anger out on me. I walked to the edge of the veranda and leant against the fence, urging myself to stay calm. “Bella, I need to tell you something bad- What, Sam?” Suddenly Jacob broke off and his voice became fainter as though he was holding the receiver away from his face while he spoke to someone else. I strained my ears even harder to hear what he was saying. “Yeah I know, I’m just leaving her a message… well tell them that that’s not fucking good enough! Do I need to… no…. yeah, sure…. Okay, I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.” There was a pause, before Jake’s voice came back much louder and clearer. “Hey Bella it’s me again, I’m sorry about that- I had to talk to Sam. Look as I was saying, something bad has happened and I had to ring you to tell you. I… well, it’s… it’s not good.” He broke off again and all I could hear was his heavy breathing. It was more ragged than usual, like it only got when he was really, really worried. “Yeah, so it’s not great, but don’t freak out ‘cause that won’t help anything. You understand me Bella? Don’t panic, okay?” It seemed like he was trying to calm himself down as much as me. My hands gripped the wooden rail so tightly that I began to feel splinters of wood dig into my skin. What had happened? Was someone hurt? Billy? Carole? Charlie? “And… ah, shit, I didn’t want to tell you this on voicemail,” Jacob said shakily, before taking a deep shuddering breath, “But I knew you’d want to know. It’s…it’s Brady, Bells.”

No.

The world disappeared, to be replaced by an empty, howling void.

No. God, please no.

I felt my body go into lockdown.

Not again. Please, don’t let anything more happen to him.

I was barely even aware of the cold anymore or of the pain that shot through my hands as splinters dug into my skin.

Not Brady, I thought desperately, Please, I begged, he’s been through enough.

And then: I’ve been through enough.

Through my shock and anguish I heard Jacob’s words continue, as though he was speaking from far, far away. “Brady’s sick Bella,” he said hoarsely, “he’s really, really sick. He had a heart attack this morning in his room on the ward and now… n-now he’s in a coma and the doctors don’t know… they don’t know if he’s going to wake up. I’m at the hospital now with the rest of the pack and Brady’s parents.” He stopped again as in the background I heard a woman begin to cry; I suddenly realised my own eyes were hot with tears. “G-God,” Jacob said shakily, “I- I’m so sorry to call you like this, I know it’s so unfair, there’s nothing you can do- you’re in Goddamn Rochester for God’s sake- but I thought you had to know, I know I’d want to know if it were me. Not that this is in any way your fault Bella, you know it isn’t. He might’ve had this heart attack regardless of what happened that summer, so don’t b-blame y-yourself for this, ‘cause I know that’s w-what you’ll do.” He was really losing it now. I could tell from the way his voice was shaking, from the inflections in his vowels and the long, drawn out breaths. Jacob, my Jacob, was falling apart. Breaking from inside because of what had happened to Brady, resulting from a monstrosity that I’d caused six years ago- something which, whatever Jacob said, would have been so avoidable if I hadn’t been so damn stupid. Brady never would have got sick, if I hadn’t… if I hadn’t… “That’s not what I wanted at all, for you to blame yourself,” Jacob continued to say, interrupting my thoughts, “it’s just I-” he trailed off again, before forcing himself to choke out the words, “it’s j-just that I’m so… I’m so scared, Bells. I don’t… want… him to die.” The tears were coming thick and fast now; I felt them streak down my cheeks and trickle hotly down my neck. “I have to go back inside and talk to the doctors; I’m not allowed to use the phone inside the hospital. I’m so sorry Bella, I love you. I’m sorry. Bye.” The message came to an end. I instantly tried to ring Jacob back, but there was no answer; his phone was switched off.

I stood, paralysed by pain as the full horror of his news clutched me. Unbidden, unwanted, yet with terrifying intensity, visions of the catastrophic night six years ago came flooding back into my mind:

Me running blindly to the edge of the woods in Forks and stumbling painfully across a tree stump; Brady in his wolf form, his huge limbs shaking with fearful excitement as he jumped protectively in front of me, creating a human barrier between me and my attacker; a flash of fiery red and white gleaming teeth; the stench of death, revenge and fear on the wind as screams of triumph and howls of pain ripped through the silence; pools of blood, so unnervingly red, despite the lack of light coming from the traitorous new moon; an evil black night fading to absolute darkness as I finally passed out…

I dropped the phone; it landed with a loud thud in the snow as I fell to my knees, clutching my chest. He’s going to die, my mind screamed, Brady’s going to die and it’s all your fault. I suddenly felt a piercing pain and, as I looked wildly at my hands, I realised that I had managed to cut myself on the wooden railing as I fell. I brought them to the ground and in my fevered, grief-stricken mind it was not my blood that stained the pure white snow, but Brady’s; it dripped freely from my damned soul as a sign of my sins. A sob ripped from my throat as a word burned through my mind like fire.

Murderer.

Chapter 10 part 1

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and…
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
Time passed. It shifted and twisted back on to itself, contorting into increasingly confusing shapes and coils as seconds seemed to distort into hours and minutes to years. I stayed frozen in my position on the snow, completely oblivious to my surroundings as one name blazed through my mind like a poisoned mantra. Brady.

It must have only been moments later, but it could have just as easily been a century, when I sensed someone kneel beside me. Strong arms prised my hands away from the reddened snow and gently leant me back into a sitting position. I complied sluggishly as though drugged, but made no real attempt to move of my own accord. Through the screaming in my mind I could hear voices, but the words made no sense to me; it was as if the sentences had been cut up and rearranged, losing all their meaning. I sensed people moving around me, thought I heard somebody arguing, then a door slam shut…

“It’s all right Bella, you’re going to be fine,” the person beside me spoke in a calm, soothing voice and they were the first words that actually got through to me. I felt my companion carefully take my hands in his own, turning them over and examining the damage.

“I’ve brought your bag, Carlisle,” a softer, more feminine voice called from behind me and I supposed that another person must have joined us. I kept my eyes closed tight. Perhaps if I pretended to disappear then the world would follow suit.

“Thank you. It’s just a shallow cut,” I heard the first voice say; “I’ll dress and bandage it to be safe though.”

“Will you do it out here?”

“Yes, there’s no point in spilling blood inside the house unnecessarily. On that note, has Jasper gone?”

“Yes, he and Alice went almost straight away. I don’t think… I don’t think he would have actually done anything to hurt Bella. He still feels awful about what happened on her eighteenth…”

“I know, Esme, I know. I’m very proud of him; his control has improved so much over the last six years, but you know we can’t take any chances when it comes to Bella’s safety. I’ll be sure to let Jasper know that my request for him to leave was merely a precaution.” The owner of the male voice- it was Carlisle, I decided through the fog of my mind- then cradled me in his arms, picking me up in one fluid motion and carrying me effortlessly away from where I had been crouched. I watched numbly as the snow covered wooden boards slipped away below me, to be replaced by dryer ones in a more sheltered area of the veranda. I felt Carlisle let go of me as he gently lowered me down onto a bench, before turning his back on me again. Even though I was still staring blindly into space, I could sense another figure by the door, surveying us both. Esme.“Speaking of precautions,” Carlisle said to her, “please remind Edward that he is not to come out here under any circumstances. He can stay in the house with the others, unless I call him.” At these words I thought I heard a loud, frustrated growl from inside the house, but before I could be sure the sound sparked off another round of vivid memories within my mind.

Nursing my injured leg where I had fallen at the edge of the trees, I watched horrified as Brady’s huge wolf form quivered in front of me, almost blocking my attacker from view… but still allowing me a glimpse of her white skin and blood-red eyes; the sound of my choking screams as the two creatures twisted and launched towards each other, vampire and wolf meeting in mid air in a blood curdling cacophony of snarls, growls and, most chillingly, maniacal laughter…

“Bella?” Carlisle’s voice acted like a magnet, dragging me immediately from my recollections. I opened my eyes, slightly disorientated, taking full stock of my surroundings for the first time since Jacob’s voicemail message had ended. It was now dark outside and the sun had fully set, the only light source being the electric lamps that were situated on the corners of the decking. From this artificial yellow light I could just make out the white flakes that were falling gently onto the drive way; it had begun to snow again. I looked away from the snow and turned my attention to Carlisle. He had sat down next to me on the bench, his black doctor’s bag resting on the floor by his feet. As I saw it I remembered my hand and looked down to find that he had relinquished it. I stared at the now bandaged cut in surprise; I hadn’t even noticed him working on it, I had been so preoccupied by my visions.

“Th-thank you,” I said, still surveying my hand as I turned it over. “I-I did it a-again, huh? I’m sorry Carlisle, I swear I c-can come to visit you without getting blood all over the place…” I trailed off, aware that Carlisle had not laughed at my lame comment or even spoken at all. I looked up, to see his ochre eyes boring into me with almost frightening intensity. There was no shadow of laughter there, only serious concern and worry. It unnerved me and I tried to fill the silence. “Um, so thanks for cleaning me up, I’m sorry about, uh, the snow…now it’s pink and all…” what was I saying? Was I really talking to Carlisle about the snow? He must be wondering whether my brain had also sustained serious damage. I hoped he wouldn’t insist on sending me to hospital; I had a long list of things I needed to do, and spending a night in emergency room was not one of them. In fact, it was ridiculous for me to be still sitting here at all- every second I squandered here on this porch another moment of Brady’s life might be slipping away… I needed to get to Forks, fast. I would have to call the airport and try to get onto the next flight to Washington, preferably tonight. No doubt it would be horribly expensive and use up almost all of my meagre savings, but there was no other way. Oh well, I thought bleakly, who needs food anyways? After I had booked a flight I would need to contact the school concerning my absence… that was a phone call I was dreading. I didn’t know what excuse I would come up with, only that there was no way I could tell the truth. I also had a feeling that my disappearance the day after I had had a public argument with my least favourite student would not go uncommented on… maybe I would get fired. If I did, then it was no more than I deserved. After what I had done six years ago, after the consequences my actions had had on Brady, I almost craved to be punished. As far as I was concerned, my constant pain and self-hatred weren’t nearly sufficient justice for my actions. I was about to tell Carlisle that I had to leave, when I realized that he was still staring at me. I was now beginning to feel really self-conscious. “What?” I asked, confused.

For a moment, Carlisle looked as though he was deciding whether or not to speak. After a few seconds though, he had clearly made up his mind because a determined expression crossed his face. “Bella,” he began very seriously, not once breaking his gaze, “none of this is your fault.” I gaped at him, thunderstruck. How does he know about Brady? Was he a mind-reader now too? I felt the heat of shame and embarrassment cross my cheeks and blushed deeply.

“You’re wrong; it’s all my fault, if I hadn’t-”

“No it’s not,” he said consolingly, his tone soothing and slow, as though he was coaxing a suicidal person down from a tall building. “I can see that you blame yourself for the deterioration of your relationship with Edward, but you have to know that you are in no way responsible for the problems you are both experiencing.” I just stared at him, not quite comprehending his words. He was talking about me and Edward? How was that even relevant? Of course, I did blame myself for my break-up with Edward; if I hadn’t been so plain and boring perhaps he never would have left, but that still didn’t explain why Carlisle was bringing it up now. Either I was missing something here, or he had severely misunderstood the situation.

“Um, I don’t think you-” I began, but Carlisle had already continued speaking.

“And no matter what you’re feeling Bella, you must realize that to actually hurt yourself is both extremely reckless and uncalled for. What would your parents think? You have to take care of yourself; you mean so much to so many people, none more so than our family. We all love you Bella, you’re a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman and it’s time you started to acknowledge that fact, instead of running yourself down all the time. If you’re having problems you should speak to somebody, but self-harm is never the answer.”

What?! Self-harm? What on earth was Carlisle talking about? Had he lost his mind? I stared at him in utter bewilderment, his words running through my head. Then, in one fell swoop, understanding came to me, making my eyes widen in shock. Now it all made sense: Carlisle’s hushed tones and cautious glances; the way he treated me like he would somebody who was extremely disturbed; the way he had ordered Edward to stay inside. He thought I had cut my hand deliberately because I was so upset about Edward and Tanya. It was so absurdly off the mark- in fact, considering what had happened to Brady, it was almost ironic- that I laughed, despite of myself, then stopped once I saw Carlisle tense. Oh great, I thought to myself, now he thinks I’m hysterical too. “No,” I said hastily, trying to exude positive ‘I am not crazy’ vibes, “you don’t understand; I didn’t do this myself. Well I did, but not on purpose,” Excellent work Bella, now you’re arguing with yourself. Way to prove you don’t have problems. “It was a complete accident,” I continued earnestly, “I was listening to a message on the phone and… and I heard some bad news,” I faltered when I remembered the horror I had felt at Jacob’s words. Then I shook my head sharply, snapping myself out of it. I had plenty of time to dwell on Brady’s situation on the plane; right now I had to focus on persuading Carlisle that there was nothing wrong with my mental health. “S-so while I was on the phone I was holding on to the railing too hard,” I continued, “and then, klutz that I am, I tripped and it splintered and I was cut. Purely accidental, I swear.” Silence followed my words, as Carlisle watched me sceptically. Even I had to admit that my speech had been wholly unconvincing. “Really, I’m telling the truth,” I said imploringly, “believe me Carlisle, I wouldn’t do it on purpose- I didn’t do it on purpose. I promise.”

I waited with baited breath for Carlisle’s response. He looked at me searchingly for a few moments, clearly trying to find a lie in my eyes. Then after a few seconds he sighed, seemingly accepting that I was telling the truth. “Well that’s certainly a relief. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to insult you, but Esme and I were both worried, especially after what Edward said-”

“Wait, Edward toldyou that’s what happened?” I exclaimed in disbelief.

“Well he only assumed. After the way you fled the room earlier, and when he heard you crying, then came out of the door to see you bleeding on the ground… he just thought that after what you saw with Tanya earlier…” he trailed off, slightly alarmed at my expression, which I was sure must have suddenly become murderous. I was actually speechless with rage. Just who the fuck did Edward think he was? How DARE he tell his family that I was so depressed by his leaving that I was cutting myself? Of all the egocentric, arrogant, self-obsessed bastards- “and when Edward added that on top of your feelings of self-hatred, it seemed to make sense,” Carlisle continued, his face again troubled.

“Huh?” I asked distractedly, still preoccupied by the way my mind was snarling insults at Edward.

Carlisle looked at me cautiously. “Jasper told Edward that you’re perpetually in a state of self-loathing and that you’re feeling extremely guilty about something,” he explained, his features fraught with fatherly worry, “which, regardless of how you hurt your hand, is a very unhealthy way to live. Whatever it is that is troubling you, I’m sure that you’re blowing it all out of proportion. You know you can always talk to Esme or me about your worries, and if you don’t feel comfortable enough for that, considering our proximity to, uh-” he paused and we both knew he had just stopped himself from saying Edward’s name, “then there are plenty of other places for you to find help.” I didn’t answer; I was too startled by what he had said. I hadn’t once given thought to the fact that Jasper knew exactly how I was feeling, let alone that he would be able to detect my emotions about Brady. This realization also led me to a much more worrying one- if Jasper knew how I felt about Brady, then surely he had detected my feelings towards Edward? In which case, my attempts to persuade Esme and Alice that I no longer loved him had been completely futile. Edward must have known all along that I was lying. My cheeks flushed with humiliation as I thought of all the times Edward must have been laughing with his brothers behind my back, making fun of the way the pathetic little human hung to her foolish dreams of her love being requited. I forced myself to blink back tears as I looked back to Carlisle, who was still speaking. “If you want, I could arrange an appointment for you with one of the psychiatrists at work; they’re truly excellent.” Even through my shame and hurt, I wasn’t insensible to the fact that I was being told to see a shrink by a five hundred year old vegetarian vampire patriarch married to a woman four hundred years his junior with four incestuous adopted children. What did that say about me?

I answered politely as I could, trying my best not to be offended by his suggestion. “No thank you, that really won’t be necessary.” I already had my own personal support system; his name was Jacob Black. And anyway, I might not have been an expert in psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that the patient had to be at least fairly honest with their doctor, which, in my case, would be completely impossible. Even if I wasn’t perceived as crazy from the outset, I definitely would be once the words ‘werewolf’ and ‘vampire’ passed my lips. I didn’t have time for this; Brady was in Forks, dying, possibly already dead and I was wasting time on this cold veranda. It was time to bring this conversation to an end. “I’m sorry Carlisle, but I really need to get going. The message on my phone- the one I was listening to before I fell- it was from a friend back in Forks. He…” I paused, unwilling to divulge the full details of what had happened, but knowing that I owed Carlisle an explanation, I started again, careful not to go into specifics. “He told me that one of our friends had… had a heart attack. He’s been in the hospital for years with…problems, but he was generally stable. Until tonight…” I cast my eyes downwards, not wanting Carlisle to see me cry. “I need to get to Washington as soon as possible. I have to be there, you see… well it’s sort of my fault that he was in hospital in the first place…” There was no ‘sort of’ about it, of course, but I didn’t want to come on too strong for fear of worrying Carlisle again. I knew I had been exceedingly vague and I braced myself for a barrage of questions, but they did not come. Instead, Carlisle took my hand comfortingly and looked me directly in the eyes.

“You need to get a flight back to Forks?”

“Yes, as soon as possible.”

“Then a flight is what you’ll have. Leave everything to me, Bella. I’ll ring the airport immediately.”

“Wait, no!” I protested hurriedly. I didn’t want to be more of a burden to him; I had already been troublesome enough tonight. “You don’t need to do that, I can ring them. I’ve already caused you enough problems.” Carlisle just waved a silencing hand at me.

“Don’t be ridiculous Bella, you’re like my daughter. It’s only right that I should help you.” His voice was full of so much earnest affection that I again had difficulty blinking back my tears. Carlisle seemed to realize this and stood up, gently helping me do the same. “Let’s go inside,” he said kindly, “it’s far too cold to stay out here. I’ll make arrangements for your flight and you can sit in the lounge and warm up.” He stopped suddenly and I guessed that he was thinking about how I would react to seeing the others. “Unless you would prefer waiting somewhere else?” He looked at me expectantly.

I wanted to accept his offer; I didn’t like the idea of being subjected to more humiliation by seeing Edward again, especially when I was still so angry with him. On the other hand, I knew that if I did avoid him then everyone would immediately assume that I was too overcome to even be in the same room as him and Tanya. As much as it hurt me, I would have to put on a brave face and confront them. At least my emotions were private from Edward now that Jasper had left the house. “No, it’s fine,” I said with as much conviction as I could muster, “I’ll go and join the others.” Carlisle nodded silently and I followed him towards the front door, stepping aside to let Esme out. She was carrying a shovel and smiled apologetically at me as she went to the patch of bloody snow and shovelled it into a bag, then turned; presumably to go and dump it in the lake. I sighed. Of all the places for me to spill blood, I had to choose the one where it was a practically banned substance.

Carlisle and I walked to the huge living room. Rosalie and Emmett were talking quietly to each other by the fireplace, while Tanya and Edward were standing at opposite ends of the room, both glaring into different directions with their arms folded. I wondered whether they had rowed because of me, then decided that I didn’t care. As soon as the door opened, everyone looked up. I looked at each of them. Emmett looked concerned and upset; Rosalie was, predictably, annoyed, but as I concentrated on her expression I realized that she didn’t seem to be angry at me- her eyes kept flickering accusingly at Edward. Tanya was watching me in a different way than she had before; it was as though she was weighing me up, trying to find answers in my eyes. I saved Edward to last, and as I looked at him I felt myself falter. There were so many emotions in his eyes: worry, frustration, fear, anger and sorrow. I wanted to believe that there was something stronger than just guilt behind his emotions, but the realistic side of me stopped me from fantasizing. Don’t get your hopes up Bella, he’s just guilty because he thinks he was the reason you hurt yourself. I noticed that Carlisle was staring at Edward, and I immediately recognized the signs of a silent conversation between them. Edward’s eyes widened, and I knew that Carlisle must have relayed my explanation to him. Good. I thought viciously, It’s about time he realized he wasn’t centre of the universe. Deep down, I knew I was lying to myself. Edward was the centre of my universe, but I didn’t want to acknowledge that fact; it was too pathetic. Carlisle turned to face me, “I’ll go make that call,” he said, before sweeping out of the room. Everybody watched me quizzically, wondering what Carlisle had meant.

“A friend of mine is ill; I need to go back to Forks to visit him,” I said weakly, trying to produce an acceptable explanation, “Carlisle’s booking me a flight.” I wondered whether they would believe me, or whether they would chalk it up to trying to get away from Edward. Nobody said anything, just watched me. There was a long, awkward silence as I stared at my feet. Then, Emmett spoke.

“So Bella,” he said hesitantly, walking very slowly and carefully towards me, “how are you, uh, feeling?” He was looking at me like I was a bomb that was about to go off. “Can I get you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you want to watch T.V.? Or are you okay just sitting here? Because that’s totally okay too, just say the word-”

“It was an accident.” I said quickly, cutting him off. I didn’t want them to be treading on eggshells around me for the rest of the night.

Emmett looked at me taken aback. “What was?”

“My hand. It was an accident, wasn’t it Edward?” I turned on him, my eyes narrowed in a coolly challenging glare. He looked back at me for a few seconds, his expression unreadable, before he slowly inclined his head.

“Yes,” he said very quietly, “it was an accident.” The room seemed to relax at his confirmation. Rosalie shook her head exasperatedly and flopped onto the couch, switching on the television. Tanya’s calculating expression was immediately replaced by one of amused satisfaction and Emmett let out a long whistle of relief. He beamed at me and punched me- very lightly- on the shoulder.

“You had me really worried for a moment there, lil’ sis!” he said good-naturedly. I tried to smile, but it was hard considering everything I had already been through that night. “So what do you want to do now? I’ve got a really awesome new games console if you’re interested…” he grinned wickedly, “we could see if you’re still as awful at video games as ever.”

“I wasn’t awful,” I protested half-heartedly. Emmett laughed and started listing the many times I had lost to him, but I wasn’t really listening. I was too busy ignoring Edward. I could tell that he was trying to make me look at him, but I wouldn’t; I didn’t want to. I was getting so tiredof all these games between us. Every time I believed that we were close to making up, something would happen to make things worse than ever. It was like some perverse board game; every time we took a step forward we immediately took four backwards again. Well, I had had enough. I wasn’t going to let myself be hurt anymore; I was finally going to accept that we couldn’t be friends and certainly couldn’t be lovers. I had to stop even trying to talk to him; it was just making everything worse. There was no point in even pretending that he had feelings for me, now that I knew he knew that I was still in love with him. Therefore, I continued to stare determinedly into space, even when he said my name quietly. I could sense everyone in the room waiting for me to reply, but I did not. Finally, I heard Edward growl in frustration and storm past me, through the wide archway that lead to the next room, causing my hair to ruffle slightly in the breeze. I turned, curious to know where he had gone. I saw him sitting far away at the other end of the adjoining room, having taken his place on the bench at what I instantly recognized as his grand piano. As I watched, he glanced up and caught my eyes in a long, piercing gaze full of emotions I was unable to read. Then, he slowly began to play. A dark, haunting melody began to flood the room. It was both captivating and agonizing; it was as though Edward had poured all the sorrows in the world into his music. Then, just when I thought that I would scream from the pain of it all, the music changed, bursting into a furious exchange of spiky notes and a pounding undercurrent of angry chords. I felt the music affect my own emotions and I turned away slowly, my fists clenched. I won’t let him break me apart,I told myself firmly, I can stand this. I looked at the others. Rosalie’s only response to the music had been to turn up the television, whereas Emmett was staring at Edward dissatisfiedly. Then he turned to look at me, clearly trying to act as though nothing had just happened.

“So what do you want to play? I’ve got ‘Mega Mutant Zombies IV’ or-”

“Oh don’t be silly Emmett,” an unfamiliar voice interrupted him, “I’m sure Bella doesn’t want to play your childish games.” We all looked around, shocked, to see Tanya standing at my elbow, her lips stretched in a dazzling smile. “She’d much rather have a chat with me, wouldn’t you Bella?” I just gaped at her disbelievingly. She pouted with hurt innocence. “Well I hardly even got introduced to you! I’ve been just dying to know more about the famous Bella Swan. How about we sit down here and you tell me a bit about yourself?”

“Um, sure,” I said, dazed. What else could I say? I could hardly respond the way I wanted to; I knew from experience with Jacob that punching immortals was never a good idea and usually resulted in several broken bones.

“Excellent!” Tanya cooed, her eyes lighting up as she grabbed hold of my wrist and sat down, pulling me with her, on a couch. I could tell from the way they were exchanging glances that Emmett and Rosalie were just as staggered as I was. I could even hear Edward quiet his playing somewhat next door as he watched Tanya with narrowed eyes. “So, where do I begin?” Tanya asked brightly, swinging her silky hair carelessly behind her shoulder. It fell in ripples, shimmering like a rainbow on the mist, each faultless strand falling perfectly into place. Judging on looks alone, she and Edward were the perfect couple; they were both unfairly beautiful. “I know all about how you met Edward of course, I’ve heard that story many a time.” She winked winningly at me and I had to clench my fists again, this time to stop me clawing those pretty eyes right out of her pretty head. That’s it, rub in the fact that Edward still talks to you. “What I don’t know though,” she continued innocently, “is anything about your life after the Cullens. What have you been doing with yourself these past years?” I couldn’t believe this. I had barely gone into depth with my post-Edward years with any of them, and yet she seemed to expect me to bare all for a complete stranger- the same stranger who I had just found draped all over my ex-boyfriend. Bitch.

“There’s nothing to tell,” I said passively. There was no way I was going to give her details. “I lived in Forks until I graduated High School, then I went to college in Arizona and I finally got a job here in Rochester. I’ve been teaching here ever since. That’s it.” She raised her eyebrow and it was obvious that she didn’t believe me.

“That’s all? Not one little story about graduating? Not one eensy anecdote about those crazy college parties?” I shook my head, my teeth gritted. “Well how about teaching, then?” Tanya asked, “Surely you must have had naughty students over the years…” she glanced through the archway at Edward and flashed him and wicked grin, which he ignored by again increasing the volume and complexity of his playing. I could sense that Tanya was trying to engage him in the memory of some sort of personal joke, but I decided that I really didn’t want to know.

“Nope,” I said, “they’re generally pretty well behaved.” I resisted the urge to also glance at Edward on these words; just because she was being childish didn’t mean I had to stoop to her level. She looked disappointed, both at Edward’s reaction and my refusal to comply with her game. She was quiet for a few moments, seemingly racking her brains for another way to involve Edward in our conversation, when suddenly her eyes lit up in triumph.

“And what about your love life?”

“W-what?!” I choked, thunderstruck. Oh no she didn’t! I couldn’t believe she had actually asked me that; surely she must realize that all her question would do was remind everyone of the way I had been unceremoniously dumped by Edward? And I had thought Lauren Mallory was evil. Edward’s piano playing suddenly increased tenfold, becoming even louder and angrier, as though he was trying to block our conversation out. He’s probably just embarrassed, I thought bitterly. I could feel Emmett and Rosalie staring at me apprehensively. “Um,” I stalled, not sure how I was going to get out of answering this question.

“Oh come now,” Tanya said, patting me patronisingly on the arm, “there’s no need to be embarrassed Bell- may I call you Bell?- we’re all truly desperate to know.” I stared at her, utterly at a loss for what to say. Why was she playing this game with me? She had already won; she had Edward, so why this intricate charade? What was her motive? If it was to remind Edward that he had chosen her then there was no need- we all knew that he didn’t love me. If, on the other hand, she was trying to humiliate me to death then she was definitely succeeding; my cheeks were absolutely flaming with embarrassment. Tanya was still waiting for a response. Oh well, I suddenly thought to myself, it’s not like there’s much to tell anyway. Perhaps it’s better this way- maybe Edward will think that Jasper was wrong and that I really am over him.

“Well, there was one guy,” I said slowly, trying to sound as offhand as possible. Rosalie and Emmett both tensed and as I looked at them I noticed Esme standing in the doorway. She was blinking at me in shock as though I had just slapped her. I stared at her in confusion. What was going on? Had she seriously expected me to disassociate myself from society for the rest of my life, simply because Edward hadn’t wanted me? Wow, I seriously need to stop acting like such a pushover, I thought. I was even more surprised by Edward’s reaction; his piano playing had now become almost deafeningly loud, the grim, heart-wrenching notes spilling from his instrument in a stampede of emotion and echoing off the wooden floorboards in the room next door. I wondered what was going through his mind, but I was distracted by Tanya’s sultry laugh.

“I knew you were holding out on us!” She cried delightedly. “So who was this mystery man? Or should I be speaking in the present tense? Does he still feature in your life?” She wasn’t even bothering to hide her rampant curiosity now.

“No, we… well, we’re still friends, but we aren’t…” I was intending to explain that it was a relationship that had never really got off the ground, but a sudden impulse stopped me. Why should I tell the truth? It was clear that Edward, his whole family and even Tanya were convinced that I had been an emotional wreck for the past six years and that I was still hopelessly infatuated with him. To be fair to myself, this impression was only partly true, because, while I hadn’t had much of a life since Edward left me, it had been a life. I had made lifelong friends in the wolf pack, I had excelled at school and I was good at my job. I had moved across the country to an entirely new city and I was living on my own independently. True, I had been mainly unhappy, but there had been bright moments. I had survived and I had been healing, albeit erratically. The rebellious part of me wanted to show Tanya and the Cullens that I wasn’t just Edward’s shadow. I could think for myself, talk for myself and fend myself. I was tired of constantly being seen as the fragile damsel in distress, waiting for the prince to wake her from her slumber. For once, I wanted to prove people that I was perfectly capable of waking up on my own. As I looked into the Cullens’ faces and took note of their pitying glances, I made up my mind. “Well,” I said in a stronger, more certain voice, “Jacob and I had our differences, so we aren’t technically ‘together’ any more, but we’re still very good friends.” I put emphasis on the ‘very’ in the hope that they wouldn’t see through the lie in the first half of our sentence. I had absolutely no romantic feelings towards Jake anymore; I wasn’t even sure if I had ever really had them to begin with, but they didn’t need to know that.

Tanya was clearly thrilled with the direction the conversation was going in. “Is he good-looking?” she prompted me. She had to raise her voice to be heard above Edward’s playing, which was getting louder and angrier by the second.

“Yes,” I said, secretly enjoying the fact that I was making Edward so angry. In my mind I could pretend that it was jealousy which caused him to slam the piano keys with such anger, not irritation at the way I had snubbed him earlier. Or perhaps he was just angry because he was dating Tanya. I know I would’ve been- the woman was impossible. “Yes Jacob is extremely… hot.” I giggled despite of myself at her reaction. If only she knew what I really meant, she probably wouldn’t be grinning like that. Tanya looked set to ask me more questions, but Carlisle walked in, ending our little party. I felt my smile vanish as I remembered where he had been, and what his return meant.

“Bella, I’ve got you onto a flight to Seattle first thing tomorrow morning. I’ve booked a car to pick you up from the airport and take you to the hospital. It would have been sooner, but the snowstorms have grounded all aircraft out of Rochester for the night.” Snowstorms? I thought to myself, perplexed. Sure enough, when I glanced out of the window I saw what had been a few gentle flakes earlier had now escalated into a full blown blizzard. Great, I thought, I’m riding home in that.

“Thank you so much for your help Carlisle.” I got to my feet, grateful for a reason to get away from Tanya’s questions. It had been fun to play with her, but the sensible side of me knew it was time to stop; I doubted Edward’s piano would last much longer. If I had thought he would stop playing, however, I was wrong; music continued to spill from the piano, acting as a background to my words. “I’ll pay for the ticket, of course,” I assured Carlisle, but he immediately shook his head, telling me that there was no need and that he was happy to help. I thanked him profusely; I hadn’t been looking forward to going without food for two months in order to pay the rent. “I better try and get through to Jacob again,” I sighed, checking the clock.

“Jacob?” Carlisle asked, furrowing his brow.

“Oooh, you’re still in touch?” Tanya interjected, her voice a sickly sweet coo.

“Yes, he was the one who told me that Brady was sick,” I said distractedly, as I patted my pockets in the search for my cell phone. “He and his brothers are supposed to be at the hospital now, but maybe he’ll have turned his phone back on…” Maybe I had left the damn thing outside on the veranda… yes, that must be it.

“He has brothers?” Tanya clucked, at the same time as Carlisle asked:

“Jacob as in Jacob Black?”

I paused in my search for the elusive phone, looking at Carlisle in surprise. “Yes, do you know him?”

He shook his head, frowning. “I’ve never met him- I knew his great-grandfather though.” I was shocked; Carlisle knew Jacob’s great-grandfather? Then, as I was going to question him further, something stirred in the back of my mind- strains of a memory of a conversation I had had with Jacob long, long ago…

“Did you say Jacob was with his ‘brothers’?” Carlisle asked, his voice sharpening, distracting me.

“Well they aren’t really his… his…” I broke off; out of the corner of my eye I had noticed the flickering flames of the hearth. Like someone had flicked a switch in my mind, everything came rushing back to me. The bonfire. It had been the first time I had spoken to Jacob, when I had tried to flirt with him in order to gain information about the Cullens.

“There are stories of the cold ones as old as the wolf legends, and some much more recent. According to legend, my own great grandfather knew some of them. He was the one who made the treaty that kept them off our land… In my great-grandfather’s time they already knew of the leader, Carlisle.”

I gasped as comprehension flooded through me. Of course Carlisle knew Jacob’s ancestors; it had been he who had signed the treaty with Jacob’s great-grandfather Ephriam Black in the first place- the very same treaty which had allowed the Cullens and the tribe to coexist peacefully for all those years. Carlisle must know all about the workings of the pack and the tribe’s werewolf bloodlines. I realized with a thrill of anxiety that by my mentioning Jacob’s ‘brothers’, Carlisle must have just worked out what they were. And if Carlisle knew, then it wouldn’t be long before-

“WEREWOLVES?!”

*~*~*~*~*

Chapter 10 part 2

Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I’ll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries

Calm me with your lies your simple tragedy
It’s all I wish to hear tonight
And your all I wish to be
And this is how we all fall
I gasped as comprehension flooded through me. Of course Carlisle knew Jacob’s ancestors; it had been he who had signed the treaty with Jacob’s great-grandfather Ephriam Black in the first place- the very same treaty which had allowed the Cullens and the tribe to coexist peacefully for all those years. Carlisle must know all about the workings of the pack and the tribe’s werewolf bloodlines. I realized with a thrill of anxiety that by my mentioning Jacob’s ‘brothers’, Carlisle must have just worked out what they were. And if Carlisle knew, then it wouldn’t be long before-

“WEREWOLVES?!” There was a thunderous crash of jarring chords as Edward’s music ceased and he slammed the piano’s lid down with wood-splintering force. Before I had time to blink, he had re-entered the room and was grabbing hold of my shoulders, his face inches from mine, features twisted with rage. “YOU DATED A WEREWOLF?! WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?! FIRST MOTORBIKES, NOW WEREWOLVES! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?”

I was so taken aback by the ferocity of his outburst that I actually stumbled back a few steps, falling right into Carlisle. “Edward,” he said in a placating voice to his son, setting me upright again on my feet.

“NO Carlisle,” Edward roared, “didn’t you HEAR what she just said? WEREWOLVES!” he spat the word as though it was profane, his eyes blazing. I watched in alarm as his entire body shook with anger. This was worse than the progress evening last night, worse even than his reaction to the motorcycles. I had never seen him so livid, not even at James.

“E-edward,” I stuttered slightly, frightened, “why are you getting so worked up? It’s okay-”

“NO, Bella, it is NOT okay. I thought your riding a motorbike was beyond reckless, but that was nothing- nothing- compared to this-”

I rolled my eyes. Not this again; I had had enough of ‘controlling Edward’ last night. “Look, I don’t have time to listen to this again, I need to tell Jacob about my flight-” I turned my back on Edward and headed towards the door, but he darted in front of me and blocked my path still in mid-rant.

“- of all the filthy, dangerous, volatile, foul creatures for you to put your faith in you choose werewolves?! What the hell were you THINKING?!”

I bristled at that comment. “Those are my friends you’re talking about!” I said hotly, glaring up at him.

“FRIENDS?! Some friends!” he shouted, “It makes me sick to even think of you associating with such vile creatures. You don’t have any idea what kind of danger you put yourself in-”

“Oh, and I suppose you do?” I cracked, yelling back at him, taking a step towards him. “You know, because you were there with me, every single step of the way, weren’t you? You were there when I first realized that Jake was a werewolf, you were there when I first dated him, and you were there when… when…” when Brady suffered a fate worse than death in the attempt to protect me. I was silent for a moment as I fiercely blinked back my tears, before glaring at Edward again. “So you were there the whole time, were you? Oh, no, I guess you weren’t. You were too busy with your distractions.” There was a ringing silence at my words. Notice how he doesn’t even deny it, I thought bitterly. I raised my eyes to meet Edward’s and hoped that he could see the full extent of the betrayal, anger and pain I felt towards him. He didn’t say anything, seemingly too taken aback by my words. “I’m leaving,” I muttered quietly, ducking under his arm and through the lounge door out into the hallway. “Thank you for everything Carlisle, Esme.” Then, suspecting that Edward would follow me, I ran for the front door, flinching slightly as I flung it open and came out into the freezing cold night. The snow really was falling in earnest now; almost three inches had accumulated already. I set my eyes on my bike; I had no idea how I would get it home in this weather, but I had to try. I had only made it as far as the second porch step, however, when I heard Edward’s voice behind me.

“Bella, don’t leave, I didn’t mean it like that. I know I wasn’t there and I’m eternally sorry for that, but you can’t be so careless about your safety-”

I had only really paid attention to the end of his sentence and I whipped around, seething. “Let’s get one thing straight once and for all, Edward, it is up to me how I behave. You don’t own me, you don’t control me, you play no part in my life; that’s how you wanted it, so don’t you dare tell me what I can and cannot do.” I began to run away again, trying my hardest not to slip down the icy steps as I left the cover of the porch and came out into the sheets of snow. Even as I tried to run, I knew it was pointless; I could feel him following me. He took hold of my shoulder and pulled me round to face him, until we were standing together, our feet practically touching in the deep snow. Behind him I could make out the figures of people standing on the veranda and I knew that his family must have come to watch the show. Roll up, Roll up, front row seats to see Bella Swan’s heart breaking. I was already shivering it was so cold, and I felt the snow that had collected around the collar of my shirt begin to melt against my skin, sending wet trickles down my back. I looked up at Edward and yet again I was struck by how perfect he was. How could it be that even though every word I was saying to him came straight from the heart, I was still desperately in love with him? My chest was aching with want and loss as I stepped away from him. I didn’t want to prolong this agony any further. “This conversation is over Edward, I have nothing more to say to you,” I whispered, trying to turn away.

“Don’t you remember what you said to me in the forest?” Edward suddenly said as he pulled me around again, his eyes imploring and full of emotion. “Don’t you remember the promise you made? You promised to keep yourself safe! You promised not to do anything dangerous, or reckless-”

I gasped and my entire body tensed. How could he use that night against me? How could he twist this around so that I was the one who had done wrong? “And what about your promises to me?!” I replied, tears brimming over my eye lids and beginning to fall from my lashes. “You told me you loved me, you told me ‘forever’! You promised never to leave, do you remember that!? You revoked your rights to me when you broke those vows!” I wiped the tears angrily from my cheeks, willing my voice not to break, “When are you going to finally get it, Edward? You can’t have everything both ways-”

“But-”

“But NOTHING!” I shouted at him, “You can’t LEAVE me and then tell me what to do, it doesn’t WORK like that!”

“Bella, listen to me!”

“NO Edward, you listen to me!” My entire body was shaking now; I could feel myself unravelling before him. The legs of my jeans were soaked through with melted snow and my hair was tangled and dripping; there were tears streaking down my cheeks and I knew that I must look half-crazed, but I suddenly didn’t care. Memories of all the times I had cried over Edward, all the hours I had spent longing for him and all the years I had wasted waiting for him to return were taking hold of my mind, causing every bitter thought I had ever had towards him to come spewing out of my mouth. “You are not part of my life anymore! It’s nothing to do with you, whether I ride motorbikes, jump off cliffs or make out with werewolves!”

“But you could be killed,”

“WHY DO YOU CARE?!” I exploded at him, screaming at the top of my voice, “WHY DO YOU EVEN GIVE A SHIT?! You LEFT me, you REJECTED me; you said you didn’t want me, you left me in the forest!” I turned to face the house and through the wall of violently falling snow, I could just make out the silhouette of Edward’s family. “HE LEFT ME!” I shrieked out to the night, knowing that they would hear me even through the howling icy wind, “After all the times he told me he loved me, he DUMPED me, said that he was BORED of me!”

“I LIED!” Edward roared, “BELLA, I LIED! I LOVE YOU!”

My heart stopped.

No.

How could he?

How could he play with me like that, when he knew how I felt about him? “D-don’t,” I croaked, ripping my eyes from his face and trying to feign him off with my hands, “don’t lie to me like that, it’s not fair!” My voice cracked as more tears poured down my cheeks. I loved him so much and yet here he was, toying with me for his own enjoyment. I felt my heart shatter and the hole in my chest rip wide open; I had to fight not to scream out in pain or fall over. “This might be a j-joke to you Edward but it’s n-not to me!” I choked at him, “How c-can you be so c-cruel?” I staggered back from him, my arms flailing blindly behind me for my bike, my only chance of escape.

“No Bella, I’m not lying!” He followed me, a look of desperation on his face as he spoke. “I love you with all my heart; you’re my life, my soul, my reason for existence-”

“S-STOP IT!” I screamed, clasping my hands over my ears, “STOP s-saying t-that! H-haven’t you h-hurt me enough?” I tried to run away from him, but I couldn’t move in the snow and I fell hard onto the ground. I lay there, shivering and sobbing, and curled my entire body into a protective ball. Pain was running through me, electrocuting my veins and making my head ache as I rocked back and forth, trying my absolute hardest to hold myself together. I felt the snow sink slightly, as Edward knelt down next me. Slowly, hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around me. “You left me,” I whispered weakly, over and over again, clinging on to him with all my might “you left me on my own, you said you didn’t love me.”

“I know,” he murmured into my ear, stroking my hair, “God, I know, Bella, I am so sorry. I wish with all my heart that I could undo what I did. I’ve spent every single second regretting it, ever since I uttered those lies, ever since I left you in that forest.” I could feel his body shaking- or was it my own? Either way, we were both moving together like trees in a monsoon, desperately trying to keep hold of each other. The world could end, the universe could explode and none of it would matter, because at least I was with him, touching him. Edward turned me around so that he was looking me straight in the eyes. “Bella Swan, I love you more than anything in the world. Without you, life is meaningless; like a blank canvas in a sea of white. Every day since I left you I have been wishing that I could return, longing to see you, to touch you, to kiss you.” I looked away from him, unable to comprehend his words. He must be lying… and yet, was he? He looked so sincere; I couldn’t detect a ghost of a lie in his eyes, but his words made no sense. If he loved me, then why did he ever leave? Why didn’t he come back straight away?

“You…love me?” I asked disbelievingly, testing the words out in an order that had become so unfamiliar over the years.

“Yes,” he said, gripping me as though he never wanted to release me.

HE’S LYING, my mind screamed, don’t listen, he just wants to hurt you again! It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. “If you love me, then why… then why did you leave?!” I whispered, my eyes wide and full of tears.

“I wanted you to be safe,” he murmured, “I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see that I was risking your life every moment that I was with you, that I was constantly putting you in danger and preventing you from living in the world to which you belonged. After what had happened with James I knew that I had to do something to protect you from the horror of my kind… yet I was too selfish, too weak to leave you.” He paused, as he stroked my cheek. I was too engrossed in his words to even react. “But then after what happened on your birthday, after your blood was spilt yet again on my account… I knew I had no choice. Leaving was the only way to make you safe- the only way for you to live the life you were supposed to have, had you never come across my kind.”

I was speechless. He left to keep me safe? “You lied?” I asked, still unable to register his words.

“Yes, my love. I thought it would be better that way- a clean break for you. I thought that maybe it would make it easier for you to move on, to heal…”

“What?” I asked, suddenly squirming out of his embrace as I stared at him in incredulity. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! Was he crazy? “Do you have any idea what your lie did to me?” I asked him, my voice unconsciously becoming slightly louder. I suddenly realized that I was still sitting in the snow and I scrambled to my feet, my eyes still fixed on Edward.

He looked taken aback, as though he had not at all anticipated this response. “I…”

“You broke my heart, Edward!” I shouted. I could feel the anger from before bubbling up inside of me again. I had lost six years of my life, and for what? So Edward could keep me ‘safe, happy and normal’?

He looked pained by my accusation. “Bella I’m sorry!” he cried, leaping to his feet and stepping towards me. “I was trying to do what’s best for you-”

“Oh, so I don’t get to have a say in that?” I retorted, glaring at him. How dare he? Would he ever stop treating me like a child?

“I wanted to protect you, I wanted you to be safe,” he repeated again, his voice weakening; it was obvious that he knew his excuse was sounding feebler by the second. He seemed to decide on a change of tact and stepped towards me, lowering his voice to a murmur, his eyes like liquid gold. “Bella,” he crooned in the velvety voice that had always managed to drive me crazy with lust, “I love you.” He watched me, waiting. For a moment, I was like a snake caught by his charmer, transfixed by his beauty. Then, I noticed the small smirk curling around the corners of his lips. It was as though something had snapped in my mind, adjusting my perspective. I loved Edward, of course I did, but I was not going to allow him to charm his way out this situation. No amount of ‘dazzling’ on his part could let me forget what he had done, or the pain he had caused me. I wasn’t going to be as forgiving as I would’ve been at eighteen; in fact, the more I thought of his reasons for leaving, the angrier I became.

“You wanted me to be happy, Edward?” I shouted at him, taking steps back through the snow, “You wanted me to be normal? Well here I am!” I was crying again now; huge trembling sobs were building up in my chest, threatening to consume me. ”Here I fucking am, living my normal, happy, healthy life. Isn’t it just great? Doesn’t it look perfect?” The snow was still falling thick and fast, freezing me half to death. I was soaked all over my body from where I had fallen on the ground and I could feel my hair clinging to my back and water streaming down my face, the melted remains of the snow mingling with the salty warmth of my tears. The snowfall was so heavy that I could no longer see the Cullens standing on the porch, but I knew that they would be able to see me. I could imagine the looks of pity upon their beautiful faces and I knew I looked ridiculous, pathetic and weak, but I couldn’t care. It didn’t matter, none of it mattered anymore. ”Is this what you wanted Edward?” I screamed at him again, ”For me to still feel this much pain after six years? Are you happy now?! I really hope so, because one of us should be happy with the way things have turned out and it sure as HELL isn’t me.” I shook as I stared wildly into his eyes, my emotion at such a level that I couldn’t even be comforted by the anguish I saw there.

“I never meant to hurt you, all I ever wanted was you to be happy-” he half choked at me, his face desperate.

”I was happy before!” I cried, my shoulders heaving, ”I was happy with you, with my life the way it was. Why did you have to ruin it? You took everything from me. I can’t live, without being reminded of you. I see you everywhere, in my dreams, my memories and my nightmares. I fall asleep and I all I think about, all I dream about, is you. I can’t even look into another man’s eyes, without feeling like I’m betraying you!” I let out a bitter, mirthless laugh, ”how ridiculous is that? I feel like I betrayed you, when we all know that it was the other way round! Does that make you proud? Do you like the fact that I haven’t been with a guy in years? That at the age of twenty-four I’ve had sex once, and that I cried the entire way through?” Edward winced and I pounced on the reaction immediately. “Oh, I’m sorry, does it bother you to think of me with Jacob? Of our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies as he tried to give me what you always-”

“Enough, Bella,” Edward begged. I could see that I had really hurt him, but I was too far gone to feel anything but a sick sort of satisfaction.

“WHY?” I screamed. “Why the fuck should I stop? It’s just SEX, why does the topic disgust you so much? You’re clearly having lots of it with your slut of a blonde, so why do you hate talking about it? Or is it just me who repulses you?”

“No! It’s not like that, Tanya and I aren’t-”

“You know what? I don’t want to know. I don’t care what you say anymore Edward, I don’t give a damn. Either way, you lied to me. I don’t know if you ever loved me in the beginning, but you sure as hell don’t anymore, because if you did you would have returned before now. You tear me apart, you screw up my life and effectively leave me for dead, and now you come back after six years- six years- and try to act like everything is just going to be okay? Well it’s not. You can’t heal that kind of hurt, and even if you could, you’d never ever be able to repair what happened to… what happened t-to… Br-rady.” I was so close now- so close to being claimed by the colossal tidal wave of grief that threatened to engulf me. I had never spoken about that night to anyone but Jacob, and even with him I had avoided it as much as possible. It was as though I had been walking along a precipice for the last six years, knowing all the while that if I lost my balance and fell I would finally have to fully confront what had happened that night.

“What? I don’t understand-”

“No, of course you don’t understand, because you weren’t there. If you had been, maybe none of it ever would have happened.” That’s what Jacob thought; he had maintained from the beginning that it was all Edward’s fault. That it was the Cullens who had put me in danger in the first place. I had never agreed with him, but in this moment and time when I was so angry with Edward, it was simply so much easier to blame him. Doing so couldn’t make me any more of a terrible person than I already was. I shook my head, the tears still falling. “You know what’s so ironic about it all? That your plan completely backfired.”

“What do you mean, ‘my plan’?” He looked at me in distress as confusion at my words crept into his eyes.

“Your plan to keep me safe and happy and ‘normal’- you might as well have left me for James to finish off.” Edward flinched as though slapped and his entire body became tense.

“What do you mean?” he asked, and I noticed that he looked slightly scared for the first time.

I closed my eyes, willing myself to have the strength to say her name- the name which had tormented my nightmares for the past six years. Even saying it out loud still had the power to terrify me. “Victoria,” I finally managed to utter, in a voice so low that the words were immediately snatched away from me by the howling wind. Edward’s entire body convulsed at the name, his fists clenching as he stared at me in horror.

“Victoria?” he hissed disbelievingly.

I nodded slowly, trying to ignore the way my throat was constricting with panic. “She came back for me,” I whispered, remembering the first day I had seen Victoria’s flame-red hair skimming the waves at La Push. “The summer after you left. She wanted vengeance for James’s death and she thought the best way to do that was by killing me- to hurt you like you had hurt her; a mate for a mate.” I winced as yet more recollections of the night tried to overpower me, but I forced them back. I had to tell Edward what had happened; I had to make him understand the consequences of his leaving. “She teamed up with Laurent- it turned out that he never even went to Denali- and they stalked me for weeks, trying their best to kill me. It didn’t seem to matter to Victoria that you had left; it just served to make her even angrier. She couldn’t bear that you had destroyed James to protect me, only to toss me aside months later.” Edward tried to interrupt me but I just shook my head fiercely. “No! Don’t say you’re sorry; I don’t want to hear it! No matter how many times you apologize, it will never undo what happened. So just don’t.” He opened his mouth again, but shut it firmly, his expression tortured.

“Victoria and Laurent followed me for weeks. It didn’t matter where I was, whether it was school, work or home, they would always be there- a shock of flame red hair and pale white skin lurking in the trees. But they didn’t attack me; they couldn’t attack me. Everywhere I went, I was guarded by the werewolves.” I narrowed my eyes at Edward. “How does that make you feel? Whilst you were enjoying your distractions and staying away ‘for my own good’ the wolf pack were risking their lives to protect my own; the same ‘filthy, dangerous, volatile’ werewolves that you hate so much.” I didn’t wait for an answer, pausing only to take a breath before I finished my story. “It continued for almost a month; the werewolves and vampires playing a deadly game of cat and mouse, with me always in the middle. I couldn’t go out anymore; I was too terrified to visit anybody in case I put them in danger. I wouldn’t let Charlie out of my sight; I was so scared that Laurent and Victoria would hurt him as a way of getting to me. But then it all stopped; Victoria and Laurent just disappeared. We couldn’t believe it at first; we were all so sure that it was just a trick, that they would reappear within days, but another month passed with absolutely no sign of them. I became certain that this time they had gone for good, that I was finally free. I tried to persuade the wolves that there was no need for them to guard me so vigilantly anymore. I already felt guilty that they were spending so much time protecting me; they were all exhausted and Jacob had hardly been home for months. They refused at first; they didn’t share my belief that the danger had passed.

“But then… one of the pack elders died. Of course the wolves wanted to go to the funeral, but they were scared to leave me. I begged Sam- the alpha- to let the guys go; I told them that I wasn’t in danger anymore, that I would be fine for one night.” I shook my head with self-loathing. “I was such a fool,” I whispered. Edward was still watching me, pain and sorrow in his eyes. “After hours of persuading, Sam agreed to reduce my guard for a night. He left me with one of the youngest of the werewolves… Brady.” I winced. “He was only 13 at the time; he wasn’t expected to attend the funeral anyway. So he stayed with me.” I let out my breath in a long whoosh, casting my eyes up to the snow-filled night sky. Brady’s fate had been entirely my fault; if I had never made Sam leave him with me, none of it would ever have happened. “At first everything was fine; Brady waited at the edge of the woods outside my house while I got ready for bed without even a sign of danger. As I fell asleep I was satisfied that I had been right in thinking that Victoria and Laurent were long gone.

“But I woke up at midnight and I instantly knew something was wrong. Everything was just so quiet… like somebody had frightened the world into silence. I looked up and she was there, in my room.” Edward let out an angry snarl and I shivered at the memory. Victoria’s blood-red eyes and deathly white skin sparkling in the moonlight as she leered at me from my broken window; her amused laughter as I screamed and tumbled out of bed, running for my door and practically falling down the stairs… “She seemed to enjoy watching me try to run, like she knew that there was no way I would escape her in the end. I sprinted outside and from somewhere in the woods I heard the sounds of Brady battling with Laurent, their snarls deafened me as I tried to run away from Victoria. I was screaming the whole time, terrified that no one would hear me but even more scared that they would come running and be put in danger too. I tripped and fell and knew that it was the end- that the game was up. I was going to die.” I paused, absorbed by the memory. “Then Brady came out of nowhere to save; he had managed to kill Laurent and the victory of his first kill had made him feel invincible. He launched himself at Victoria and began to fight her, but he underestimated her skill.” I remembered the way she had twisted and turned, uncontrollable as fire, with hands like claws and gleaming, razor-sharp teeth. Brady had seemed tiny in comparison, despite his colossal size. I shivered. There had been so much blood. “It was obvious that Brady was going to lose; he was badly injured and I knew that it was only minutes until Victoria killed him and turned on me. I tried to get up and do something, anything, to distract her from hurting him, but the minute I took a step towards them Brady growled, warning me to stay away. But it was like my movement had reminded Victoria that I was there; she whipped around and advanced on me, I staggered backwards and fell down, hard, smashing my head against a rock. The next thing I knew, everything had gone black.” I closed my eyes, remembering how I had been awoken, minutes later by Jacob’s panicked shouts.

“Bella?! BELLA!” Jake’s terrified voice shattered the night, pulling me sharply from the depths of my unconsciousness. His impossibly warm hands gripped my shoulders, shaking me sharply awake as he continued to sob brokenly into the otherwise terribly silent night. “BELLA! Oh God, Bella please wake up!”

I felt my eyes wrench open to see him hovering inches above me. “Jake…” I rasped.

“Bella!”

“Jake, Victoria came after me, she was in my room! She attacked me while I was sleeping, I couldn’t-”

“I know sweetheart, I know-”

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have told Sam that it was safe, I shouldn’t have put Brady in danger,” I stopped, horror-struck. “B-brady! Jake, where is he?!” I started to cry hysterically, my eyes searching around wildly. They fell on a group of figures standing in the darkness between the trees. Some were on their knees, some standing; all had identical looks of grief on the shadowy faces. I tried to see the thing they were standing around, but it was too dark. Jake, however, had perfect vision.

“Oh, God…” he choked, launching forward and hitting the ground running as he sprinted towards the group. I squinted after him as he ran and saw him join the rest of the pack, pushing his way through the others. As they moved I finally managed to get a glimpse of the thing they were standing around- a mis-shapened heap of ragged fur and oozing blood. I screamed as I realized who it was and did not stop, even when Charlie came running out of our house.

Brady.

I opened my eyes again and was almost surprised to find myself shivering outside in the Rochester snow instead of by the forest in Forks. I tried to explain what I had just remembered. “The rest of the wolves realised what was going on and came running. Once the entire pack was there, Victoria didn’t stand a chance; they killed her within seconds. But Brady…” I let out a painful sob and looked up to see Edward watching me, aghast.

“He was killed?”

I shook my head, tears of shame trickling down my cheeks. “No, it was far worse.”

“Worse?”

I nodded, my throat almost to dry to speak. “At first it looked like he’d be fine; werewolves heal quickly and once his injuries had righted themselves he was able to phase back into human form. The pack were so proud of him; for a week they treated him like a hero, amazed that he had managed to kill Laurent and fend off Victoria until they arrived. They tried to ignore the fact that something about Brady had changed, sure that he was just shaken up by the whole thing and that he would get better. But it soon became apparent that some wounds are just too deep to heal.”

Edward’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand.”

“He lost his mind, Edward,” I replied, biting my lip to stop myself sobbing again. “He was too young and inexperienced; he had no idea how to cope with the horror of Victoria’s attack. She all but tortured him, both mentally and physically and it was just too much for him to take. He became unresponsive and wouldn’t talk to anybody, not even the pack; it was like he didn’t recognize them anymore. He wouldn’t phase, he wouldn’t even move. Most days Jacob and the others would go out in the morning and come back twelve hours later to find him sitting in exactly the same place, just staring blankly into thin air. He was catatonic; he wouldn’t speak, he didn’t eat.” I shivered again, “The pack was distraught. They didn’t know what to do or what to tell his parents, who were beside themselves with shock and grief. They tried to get him medical help, but nothing worked. And then, on the three month anniversary of Victoria’s attack, they came downstairs in the morning to find him gone. The entire tribe was sent out looking for him; they searched for hours but with no luck. It was almost nightfall when they finally found him- on top of one of the highest cliffs in La Push, standing right on the edge, just staring into the waves.

“Of course, there was no way that he could stay at home after that. His parents couldn’t watch him 24-7, so they had no choice but to admit him into the psychiatric ward at the hospital. He’s been there ever since.” I had barely noticed that Edward had closed the distance between us during my last speech. His hair was flecked with snow; there were flakes on the ends of his eyelashes, framing his golden eyes. He was like a statue in a snow-covered garden, so beautiful it hurt to look at him but with a cold, unreal air to his appearance. I looked up at him, my heart aching.

“Bella, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…” he leant down to take me into his arms but I pushed him away, fiercely trying to blink away my tears.

“No, Edward! You can’t just touch me and make everything okay again; maybe that might have worked when I was eighteen, but not now; not after everything that happened. Not after Victoria, after Brady. I was so in love with you…” my shoulders slumped, and I knew there was no use in pretending, “I still am. I hate you because you left and because you didn’t come back; I hate you because your reasons for leaving were so stupid, because I spent the last six years of my life crying over you and because I broke Jacob’s heart when I couldn’t get over you. Most of all, I hate you for you not realizing Victoria would come after m-me and for Brady d-dying and for you not being there to s-save m-me like you always said you would be,” yet again, I was losing the battle against my tears, “But, despite all of that, I still love you so much that it hurts. I’d still trade anything to be with you, for it to be like you’d never left, for us to be together again. And I loathe myself for being that way, for being so weak and dependant and-”

Without words or warning, before I could do anything to stop him, Edward pulled me to his chest, crushing me against him and smashing his lips against my own. I was so surprized by his action, so shocked to actually be touching him in this way after all the times I had yearned for it, that at first I could do nothing but respond. I deepened the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck, clinging onto him like I would never let go. His kiss was not at all like the careful ones I remembered; it was desperate and intense, setting my insides on fire and making me feel more alive than I had done in years. But after a few seconds, once the shock had passed, I began to take note of the way the rational part of my mind was screaming in protest. NO! This isn’t right, this isn’t how it should be. Everything about this kiss was wrong; the time, the place- all of it. I hadn’t even decided whether I wanted to forgive Edward yet, let alone kiss him. I had to put my feelings aside and end this, before I lost my nerve. Exerting all the strength I could muster, I pushed my hands hard against his iron chest. He released me almost immediately, his eyes alight with conflicting emotions. I stared at him, my cheeks red and my breathing heavy; no doubt I looked a sight. I didn’t know what to say; I didn’t have words to express the way that my heart was pounding and my entire body trembling as though electrocuted. He kissed me, he kissed me, he wants me despite everything I said! My mind blithered incomprehensibly as I stood, frozen. “I…” I stopped, unable to voice how I was feeling. I’m not ready for this. I needed time to think, time to process the entirety of the night’s revelations. I suddenly felt like the world was condensing, trapping me. “I have to go,” I gasped, averting my gaze from his face, “I-I’m sorry… I…” I didn’t finish the sentence; I didn’t know how to. Without another word or glance backwards I turned and covered the last few steps to where my bike sat waiting for me, covered in snow. I hardly paused to brush it off, merely scraping the handlebars before I swung myself onto the seat and fired up the engines. If Edward was calling me, then his words were immediately lost under the noise of the bike and the crying of the wind. I did not look back at the house as I pulled away, nor did I see Edward as I swerved erratically towards the highway. Thanks to the tall trees that lined either side of the road, my path was relatively snow-free and I was able to drive at top speed, leaving the house and Edward far behind. Memories of everything that had occurred that night flashed through my mind: Jacob’s phone call; the news about Brady; cutting my hand; talking to Carlisle; being questioned by Tanya; Edward’s furious piano playing; letting slip about the werewolves; fighting with Edward; running outside; him shouting he loved me; my doubt and then my tears and accusations; recounting Brady’s story and finally that kiss…

It was all like a hallucination now; a mixture of the worst nightmare and most perfect dream. I tried to ignore it and focus on the road but I couldn’t banish the memory of Edward’s face as he told me that he loved me, or the feel of his lips on mine… Distracted, unthinkingly, I veered sharply out of the slip-road onto the main freeway. For a split second, it seemed empty; there were a few cars on the other side of the road, but nothing ahead of me. Then, everything began to happen at once. The screech of a horn cleaved through the snow covered air and as I turned I saw a monstrous cargo truck skidding towards me with terrifying ferocity. My heart stopped as I tried to swerve the bike out of the vehicle’s path, but to no avail; unnoticed by me I had turned sharply into a patch of thick black ice, made worse by the fresh coating of unsalted snow. The bike squealed under my hands and did a sharp pin wheel, leaning heavily to one side and toppling over, with me trapped painfully underneath. As I smashed my head against the cold, hard surface of the road, I knew I was a goner. Blinded by the truck’s bright floodlights I could feel my consciousness slip away. From far off as though through a dense cloud, I heard a cacophony of sounds: the squeal of the truck’s horn, a chorus of yells and screams, the screech of tires, a desperate roar, a deafening, screaming crunch… and I knew no more.

Chapter 11

My hands shake ‘cause today
I know you’re gonna break my heart and
my life without you in it
is a life that’s not worth living.
I’ll be strong but I wish I was someone else
anyone but me tonight

EPOV
From the moment I was reborn as a vampire, I had struggled with my conscience. As a human I had never knowingly harmed another person in my life and had always prized myself on my unflinching sense of morality and ethics. But then, two months before my eighteenth birthday, I awoke in a hospital riddled with death to find myself staring into a pair of anxious yellow eyes and I knew my life would never be the same again.

On learning of Carlisle’s identity and, in turn, discovering what I myself had become, I believe my reaction would be comparable only to that of a man awakening to find himself in the very deepest circle of hell. Over the passing years I fought with my instincts, riddled by shame and disgust at what I was and what I had to do to survive. I was incessantly haunted by a pervading sense of paralyzing self-loathing, a poison which I soon found I could expel only when I directed my anger towards the one person who deserved it least: Carlisle. He always used to tell me that the strength of my guilt was subjective to my personality and compassion and he forever maintained that it was a symbol of the purity of my soul.

Our discussions- where I would shout and he would stay unflinchingly calm, just serving to increase my ire- would sweep from the literal to the meta-physical in a matter of seconds, always ending on the point of my soul, or lack of it. We had had endless arguments on the subject in which I, in true teenage fashion, twisted every single word he said and barraged him with a mixture of insults and accusations, every utterance just causing me to detest myself further.

And yet… as much as I had abhorred my actions then, despite the gut-wrenching feelings of shame and disgust that had racked me every time I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, they had been nothing, nothing, compared to how I felt tonight. Here I was; standing in this snow covered driveway as I watched my reason for existence break apart before me.

Bella was shin deep in snow, her clothes wet and ragged and her shoulders heaving with grief-stricken sobs. She had stopped trying to fight the tears and they were falling in earnest now; not unlike the snowflakes that surrounded us as they tumbled from her eyelids and left glistening streaks on her skin, marring her otherwise perfect complexion as, in shuddering breaths, she forced herself to recount the rest of her devastating story.

Brady. I had never met the child, yet hearing his name brought me almost as much guilt as the sight of this distraught, broken Bella. He saved her. Werewolf or not, he had done what I hadn’t, he had protected Bella from- I baulked at even thinking the name- Victoria.

How could I have been such a fool? I berated myself as I heard more and more of Bella’s story. How could I have thought, even for a second, that she would be safe? Since when had Bella ever been safe? But no, I could not even think of blaming this awful turn of events on her. It was entirely my fault. None of this would have happened had I not been so arrogant and headstrong. I could have saved Bella so much heart-break if only I had listened to the protests of my family when they tried to stop me from leaving.

In the words of Bella’s most favourite heroine- “How despicably I have acted! I, who have prided myself on my discernment!” Never had those words held so much significance for me as they did now. All the time I had been sure that what I was doing was right, yet it turned out that not only had my actions put Bella in more danger than ever but that I had completely broken her heart in the process.

“-of course, there was no way that he could stay at home after that. His parents couldn’t watch him 24-7, so they had no choice but to admit him into the psychiatric ward at the hospital. He’s been there ever since.” Bella looked up at me, her eyes still full of tears. I realized that I had walked towards her, but I didn’t remember making the conscious decision to move. I could feel the human heat radiating from her body, made all the more obvious by the coldness of our surroundings and it drew me in like a magnet, every nerve in my body screaming out for contact with her own. She looked up at me, her big brown eyes flooded with sorrow and pain- of my infliction- and I felt my resistance dissolve.

“Bella, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…” I murmured, reaching down to wrap my arms around her. It was, of course, exceedingly presumptuous of me- after all the things she had said to me that night, all the accusations she had thrown my way, I should have known that she would reject my advances.

“No, Edward!” her voice was loud against the silence as she brought her arms up, shielding herself from my embrace. Had the situation not been so devastating, her action would have been almost comic in its futility. As if she, with all her frailties and weaknesses, could ever fully protect herself from one of my kind. I watched Bella, the pain in her words piercing my heart like barbed wire. “You can’t just touch me and make everything okay again; maybe that might have worked when I was eighteen, but not now; not after everything that happened. Not after Victoria, after Brady. I was so in love with you…”

The use of the past tense almost made me double up in agony. I was so in love with you… If only I could escape from her as easily. I had already told her how I felt- shouted it out into the night, even- but she had so far failed to respond directly to my declaration, instead focusing on reproaching me in the way I so deserved. Was this the moment where she would crush my ineffectual hopes of our reconcilement forever?

I watched her, my body tensed as though ready to go into lock down at the inevitable words of finite rejection… “I still am.” Shock, incredulity and joy swept through me. She still loved me, despite everything I had done to her? Despite all that she had said, all the pain that I caused her? I opened my mouth to say something, but realized that Bella wasn’t finished yet. “I hate you,” she whispered and I recoiled at the words. “Because you left and because you didn’t come back; I hate you because your reasons for leaving were so stupid, because I spent the last six years of my life crying over you and because I broke Jacob’s heart when I couldn’t get over you.” I wanted to interrupt but I couldn’t; all I could do was stand, helpless, as Bella listed the ways I had torn her apart, breaking both our hearts in the process. Her words and tears were falling like knives, cutting me open and making my body shake with shame.

“Most of all,” Bella continued, her eyes fixed on me through her tears, “I hate you for you not realizing Victoria would come after m-me and for Brady d-dying and for you not being there to s-save m-me like you always said you would be.” I would never, could never forgive myself for what I had done to her. I would never atone for the pain I had caused this wonderful creature, no matter how many eternities I endured.
“But, despite all of that,” she took a deep breath, attempting to steady herself, “I still love you so much that it hurts. I’d still trade anything to be with you, for it to be like you’d never left, for us to be together again. And I loathe myself for being that way, for being so weak and dependant and-” And it was then, on hearing the sentiments that so echoed my own, that I lost all vestiges of self-control.

Without thinking, without taking even a moment to consider the consequences of my actions, I wrapped my arms around Bella and pulled her towards me, almost crushing her soft body as I kissed her with feverish passion. It was insane, outrageous, disgraceful behaviour- against everything that I had ever been taught- but I suddenly didn’t care. All that mattered was Bella- the heat of her kiss, the feel of her hands as they clung to my neck and the beautiful, pounding march of her heart. I barely even had time to brace myself against the inevitable rush of bloodlust, but when it came I found that it was easy, almost laughably so, to resist. If only I could say the same for other types of lust… I felt Bella deepen the kiss, instinctively pressing her hips against my own and I groaned, my hands moving fluidly across the curves of her waist. I had thought that my memory was flawless, yet this was better than I ever could have remembered; Bella was better than I remembered.

But then, barely seconds after it had begun, my moment of heaven was cut short. I felt Bella’s hands pressing against my chest in an attempt to push me away. I may have thrown most rules of etiquette to the winds in the last few seconds, but even I wasn’t so base as to force myself upon a woman against her wishes. I let go immediately and took a step back, wondering whether my rash actions would incite another round of shouting. Bella was staring at me with flushed cheeks, bright eyes, swollen lips and looked so utterly beautiful that I had a hard time not throwing myself at her again. What’s happened to me? I thought incredulously. I lived a life of abstinence for over a century yet one kiss after six years apart from Bella and I lose all sense of propriety.

Bella was staring at me with an expression akin to someone who had been clubbed over the head. “I…” she stuttered, her voice shaking. Look what you’ve done! My thoughts accused me, she didn’t want that Edward, but you forced yourself on her! I felt renewed shame rise within me, this time tinged with mortification. My parents would have been ashamed of me. “I have to go,” Bella breathed, dropping her eyes from my face, clearly to upset to meet my gaze. “I-I’m sorry… I…” she didn’t even try to finish the mumbled apology, merely spun on her heel and stumbled away from me across the snow to where her motorbike lay waiting. I was so preoccupied with chastising myself for my reprehensible actions that I didn’t even think to prevent her from climbing onto the bike until she had revved up the engines.

“No, Bella, wait,” I called out. I couldn’t let her ride home in this weather, especially after what had just happened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” It was no use. Even if she had been able to hear me above the engines of the bike, I was sure that she wouldn’t reply. I just watched, helpless, as she drove away from me, speeding out of my driveway and life, perhaps forever. My life would now lose all the little meaning it had gained in the past few weeks- the temporarily sun-filled skies would return an eternity of blackest night. To lose Bella again, after having had the chance to regain her trust, was unbearable. I stood in the snow, unable to move as the magnitude of what had happened swept over me.

Edward! What are you doing? Go after her!

I heard the thoughts and shouts of my family as they ran towards me, but their words were as ineffectual at moving me as raindrops on stone. I just stared with unseeing eyes into the falling snow, the singular flakes blurring into an expanse of meaningless white. White walls, white skin, white snow…

-Edward, I know you’re upset but I really think you should – For God’s sake, stop being such a douche and go after her – She was distraught, you can’t possibly let-

I continued to ignore them, their thoughts buzzing through my brain like so much worthless mush. What could I do? I was powerless. Bella had gone; taken from me not by death or heroics but as a result of my own idiocy. I could not exist without her now- that much was certain. That left me with one, dreadful alternative; the same alternative that I had flirted with all those years ago, when it had seemed that we were fighting a losing battle against time to save Bella from James…

But then, just as my thoughts began to sink to darker, previously forgotten schemes of self-destruction, a terrified scream pierced through the silence, ripping me from my reverie.

“EDWARD!”

It was Alice- her terror-stricken voice sliced through the night like a dagger, plunging the others into a shocked silence. I couldn’t hear her thoughts- a sure sign that she was miles away- but we could all hear the sound of her and Jasper running towards us- their footsteps pounded against the snow covered ground like funeral drums at an execution. “EDWARD, EDWARD!” My family’s thoughts echoed my own; what on earth had happened?

Then, as Alice came nearer, her thoughts suddenly snapped into range and I was hit by the full force of an incredibly detailed, extremely recent vision.

Bella riding her motorbike, not paying attention to the road as she sped through the trees; racing around the bend out onto the highway; her human eyes not spotting the oncoming cargo truck through the thick snow fall; it swerving erratically towards her; the squeal of the bike as she tried to escape; the crunch of metal against ice as it fell on top of her; Bella, trapped, pinned to the ground and losing consciousness mere metres from death…

It was a full tenth of a second before I realized that I had started running.

Another tenth and I had covered almost thirty feet.

There was no time for words- no time to listen to Alice’s words or take note of my family’s shouts of confusion. Alice could deal with them. Only one thing registered in my mind as the snow covered ground flew beneath my feet.

Bella

My Bella

Oh God, Bella.

I could hear my family in pursuit, but they had no chance in all of hell, heaven or earth of matching my speed. I was running faster than I ever had before, my insides raging like fire, feet barely touching the ground as I raced towards… what was I running towards? Damnation, catastrophe, disaster? Or salvation, forgiveness, a chance to repent?

I did not know the answer.

Run, Edward, for Christ’s sake, run.

I was so close to the road now. Alice’s visions kept flickering and changing direction in and out of clarity with every step I took:

-Bella being saved; Bella being battered by the truck; Bella with blood pouring down her face; the bike bursting into flames with Bella still underneath it-

“NO!”

I did not feel the roared word leave my lips; instead I only heard the sound as it exploded through the air, ringing through the trees and deafening everything, even the sound of the squealing truck in the distance. I was temporarily dazed by another vision from Alice- this time a close-up of the truck driver’s face, confirming what I had already guessed- he was bleary eyed and intoxicated, his alcohol infused mind barely processing the destruction that was about to unfold before him. Good, I thought savagely, I won’t feel as guilty about killing him.

FASTER.

I put everything I had into the last fifty feet, my ice cold muscles screaming in protest as I pushed myself harder than I ever had before, soaring out of the slip-road and onto the highway on the wings of some previously hidden vestiges of frenzy-induced strength.

There, on my right, was the colossal truck, its huge wheels skidding and sliding across the ice at a tremendous speed and there, on the ground about ten feet from its wheels, was Bella. She was trapped beneath the motorbike, her head unmoved from where I had seen it slam down on the ice and her face covered by her long hair.

The road mercifully devoid of any other traffic, I launched myself forward at the vehicle. In the fraction of a second that I had paused to look at the truck, my family had caught up with me and from their thoughts I knew that Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett were mimicking my actions.

Our bodies hit the truck with the collective force of a freight train, causing it to lurch and topple over.
“EMMETT, JASPER, GET ROUND THE OTHER SIDE AND CATCH IT!” By the time I had shouted the order, however, it was too late. The truck had crashed down onto the middle guard rail that separated the two sides of the road, causing twisted fragments of metal, cement and brick to go flying in every direction. My immediate instinct was to dive towards Bella, but before I could move more than three feet the crumpled truck burst into flames.

I heard Emmett swear profusely. Fire. The only thing vampires were afraid of except, of course, other vampires. In theory, the flames alone could not penetrate our skin but that didn’t stop them from being painful, sometimes agonizingly so. It was enough to make any normal vampire avoid fire like the plague.

But I wasn’t any normal vampire, and it was no secret that I was a masochist.

Before anybody could stop me, I dove towards the inferno, aiming for Bella. She was lying on the ground perilously near to the blazing remains of the truck, her body still and lifeless. I ran forward to lift her into my arms, but as I came close to her, something within the wreckage of the truck exploded, firing out a twisted mass of burning metal which landed right between Bella and myself. I clenched my fists. Now there really was no other way.

“NO EDWARD!”

I heard Alice’s yell seconds before I moved, but ignored it- there was no time for rationality now. Without another second’s pause, I plunged through the flames.

Even at the incredible speed I was travelling, I felt the pain as the fire came into contact with my skin. My clothes were instantly set alight as the flames licked across my body like forked tongues, leaving a trail of singed destruction in their wake. It was barely a second before I was through the fire and out the other side where Bella was lying, crumpled on the ground. My clothes were still burning and the pain was mounting with every second, but I paid it no heed as I dropped to the ground and heaved the motorbike off of Bella. It was barely recognisable anymore- just a twisted hunk of metal, partly melted from the heat of the earlier explosion. I lifted it with one hand and hurled it away; it somersaulted through the air and landed 100 yards away in the middle of the road. Then I dropped to my knees in front of Bella, tearing off my still smouldering shirt and flinging it away too, so as not to let it burn her. I shakily brought out my hand and brushed her hair away from her face as gently as I could. Her helmet had come askew after the impact of her fall, leaving her right cheek uncovered.

Bella’s eyes were closed and her face was deathly pale. She was almost completely still, but I could still detect the very faint rise and fall of her chest that showed me she was breathing and, below the noise of the burning truck and my family’s shouts, I could hear a pulse. I let out a low oath of relief- only to stop dead mid-word, when I took a breath and realised something.

I could smell blood. Bella’s blood.

I felt panic rise within me as I searched for the source of the now almost overpowering smell of freesias. How had I not noticed it before? The answer was simple: I had been too busy checking that she was alive to even breathe. My senses told me that she was bleeding on her right side, but I could not see any obvious signs of wounds… until I noticed something on her arm which almost made me choke in dismay. Her layers of clothes had been torn right down to her skin and, through the tear I could see a long gash running from her forearm to her elbow which was currently oozing blood at an alarming rate. Most seriously, however, there was a shard of metal, several inches thick, lodged deeply in the gash, right where my medical experience told me it would be seriously near to one of the major arteries.
I let out a strangled cry of anguish as my hands reached out wildly for Bella, but before I could touch her I felt a hand grip my wrist, stopping me from making contact.

“No, Edward! You mustn’t touch her arm; we need to get her to hospital!” It was Carlisle. He was kneeling right next to me, firmly pushing me away and trying to move closer to Bella. When did he get here?

I looked up, dazed, taking in my full surroundings for the first time in minutes. The wall of fire through which I had run to get to Bella had gone; from the corner of my eye I could see Alice guiding Emmett in his jeep as he ploughed the fiery chunks of burning metal away from Bella and me, towards the centre of the road. Several hundred yards behind him, racing up the opposite side of the highway, was a fleet of fire engines, police cars and ambulances, all their sirens blaring. Esme and Rosalie were standing in the middle of the road, ready to greet the emergency vehicles, the first of which had already begun to come to a stop.

I looked back to Carlisle, who was kneeling beside Bella, methodically feeling for the extent of her injuries. Next to him, with an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face, was Tanya. At first I was shocked, but then I realised how much sense Carlisle’s choice of an assistant made. Tanya, at over a thousand years old, had more experience than any of us at resisting human blood and this experience, coupled with her countless degrees in every discipline under the sun, made her more than capable at treating human injuries. Tanya caught me looking and her brow contracted, all trace of teasing gone.

Edward, I’m so sorry, this is my fault…

I jerked my head sharply. No. No apologies, no words of sympathy. They were not necessary- they were not for my ears. They held connotations of death and loss and Bella was not going to die.

Please, God, don’t let her die.

I crossed to where Bella was, Tanya quickly moving to make room for me as I took Bella’s hand, bringing it to my lips. I love you; I love you, forever, forever. I replayed the mantra again and again in my mind, as though the repetition of the words would buy us time. From the edge of my vision I could see humans in uniform rushing around, putting out fires, barking orders, shouting questions at Carlisle as they tried to appear in control of the situation. But for all I cared, they did not exist. All that was important in the world was Bella and her fingers in my own and the weak, but still resolutely present, beating of her heart and the fact that she would not die. Not here, not now, when we had just found each other again. Not on my watch. Not before I’ve had a chance to atone for what I’ve done wrong.

Then, something cut through the confusion of the scene and into mine and Bella’s bubble- the roaring of an engine. I looked up to see an ambulance speeding through the crowds of humans.

Almost as soon as the vehicle came to a stop, I found myself surrounded by overall-clad humans. They lifted Bella up onto a stretcher and strapped an oxygen mask to her face, all the time exchanging hurried words with Carlisle as he filled them in on the situation.

“-several cracked ribs, concussion with possible trauma to the skull, some severe lacerations on her right arm containing a foreign object-”

A young emergency worker tried to muscle me out of the way in the attempt to get closer to the action and it took all my self-control not to knock him down where he stood. Instead, I merely shot him a glare so menacing that he almost fell over in shock. I turned back to Bella. She was now firmly in place on the stretcher and being loaded into the back of the ambulance, Carlisle issuing more orders to a medic who was clinging anxiously to his every word.

As I jumped in after Bella and some paramedics, Carlisle spoke to me in his thoughts. She’s going to be fine Edward, don’t panic. I’ll drive with the others in the Mercedes; we’ll see you at the hospital. I nodded. Oh, and put this on, Carlisle added, shrugging off his jacket, people are staring. I took the jacket in confusion, before glancing down at my bare chest; I had forgotten that I had ‘lost’ my shirt. I mumbled words of thanks and threw the jacket over my shoulders, before slamming the double doors of the ambulance shut behind me. A glance over the humans’ heads through the clear divider into the front of the vehicle told me what I had already guessed; Alice was sitting in the driver’s seat. Dressed head to toe in swiftly stolen green overalls, she was indistinguishable from the paramedic beside her who, it was clear, had no idea that his companion was not who she seemed.

It’s okay Edward, Alice thought, her eyes meeting mine in the mirror as she cranked up the engines, we’ll be there soon. Then, as an afterthought, Bella will be fine. She then fixed her eyes on the road, flicked on the sirens and slammed her foot down on the acceleration.

I watched as the speedometer ticked steadily up to over 80 miles an hour. I tried to believe Alice’s words.

I had to.

For the next ten minutes, they were all I had.

*~*~*~*~*

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Chapter 12

I’ll do whatever it takes

To turn this around

I know what’s at stake, I know that I’ve let you down

And if you give me a chance

Believe that I can change

I’ll keep us together, whatever it takes

EPOV

Alice drove like a demon; that much was certain. The twenty minutes it should have taken to reach Strong Memorial Hospital- which I had mentally halved when calculating in Alice’s usual driving speed- soon became eight and a half minutes, and then shrunk down again to a mere seven and three quarters as Alice pushed the aging ambulance to limits I never would have believed possible. The paramedics still hadn’t noticed that she was not one of them- dressed head to toe in overalls as she was- and I thanked God for it; no one could match her speed at the wheel.

Up ahead I could see the road flashing past through the windshield as snow covered trees thinned out to be replaced by more and more densely packed buildings, the relative hush of the suburbs merging in to the blaring, jarring sounds of the city.

But all I really cared about was what was happening inside the ambulance. All I really cared about was Bella.

I was crouching by her stretcher with my hand clasped tightly around her own, as the paramedics fussed around us, checking and rechecking Bella’s oxygen mask and administering pain killers. We all knew that they were just finding things to do; trying to appear useful and on-task, while really just waiting anxiously to arrive at the hospital so that the real work could begin.

They were soon granted their wish, as the ambulance veered around the corner into the hospital complex and everything suddenly went into overdrive.

Alice slammed her feet on the brakes, causing the ambulance to come to a deafening, screeching halt outside the Trauma Unit, the squeal of the wheels against the ice drowning out even the blaring of the sirens. In the time it took for me to throw open the ambulance doors, the Mercedes had pulled up alongside us, its doors bursting open as the rest of the family leapt out of the car.

The paramedics and I carefully unloaded Bella’s stretcher as Alice, still dressed head to toe in overalls, sprinted inside the hospital to raise the alarm. Meanwhile, Carlisle took his place leading the stretcher and began shouting, pushing it hurriedly along, carrying on where he had left off back at the crash site, taking total control of the situation as he ordered the hospital staff in to action. Some of Carlisle’s colleagues were seemingly taken aback by the way Dr. Cullen had burst in to the hospital pushing a young woman on a stretcher with his entire family in tow at eight thirty in the evening on his day off, but they soon recovered from the shock and swung into action, surrounding Bella’s stretcher as Carlisle and I pushed it down the hallway as fast as human constraints would allow. Flanked by surgeons, nurses and general hangers-on, we all but flew through the hospital and into the Intensive Care Unit.

Entering the operating room was like being plunged into another world, one populated by strange, green scrub clad creatures and bulky, frightening looking machines which beeped and whirred ominously from their stainless steel stands.

The second we were through the doors, Bella’s stretcher was wrenched from beneath my hands and I was pushed out of the way as several surgeons and their assistants rushed forwards, shrugging on scrubs as they went. I suddenly realized what would happen if somebody noticed me. The panic and confusion surrounding Bella’s shock arrival and degenerative physical state had so far prevented any humans from realizing that I had gained access into the room- an area which was strictly out of bounds to the public- but it could surely only be so long before I was spotted and ordered away. The fact that I was Carlisle Cullen’s son was irrelevant; I had no authorization to be in this part of the hospital.

I had to think fast.

Using the general level of distraction in the room to my advantage, I darted with vampire speed towards the corner, grabbed a set of scrubs from the wall and dragged them over my head. Within seconds, I had effectively made myself unidentifiable to anyone apart from Carlisle. My intention was, of course, to pass myself off as one of the doctors and so be able to stay in the room and ensure Bella was adequately taken care of; perhaps even perform some of her surgery myself. I couldn’t bring myself to go, leaving her with these strangers touching her, cutting her open, causing her pain…

I baulked at that idea and hastened forward, desperate to get involved. There was an instinctive impulse running through me; a need to help, not just offer emotional support but to actually physically do something. I couldn’t bear to watch this.

I had barely reached Bella however, when an overalled figure blocked my path. I didn’t need to meet his eyes to know who it was.

“Get out of the way!” I tried to dart to the left, but again found myself obstructed.

“Edward.” Carlisle’s tone was firm, and I instantly knew what was coming.

“Let me through,” I ordered him, ignoring his words. Over Carlisle’s shoulder I could see the humans preparing to move Bella from her stretcher to the operating table. I instinctively tried to move towards them, but Carlisle grabbed my shoulder, holding me back with surprising strength. I swore at him. “What are you doing?! Let go of me!”

No, Edward. Carlisle’s thoughts were calm and soothing. He seemed totally unfazed by my hostility.

“What do you mean, ‘no’?! I want to help-”

Don’t be ridiculous.

“Ridiculous? Who’s being ridiculous?!” I gaped at him. Ridiculous?! “This is Bellawe’re talking about!”

Exactly, he thought. You can’t possibly expect me to let you perform surgery on her- you aren’t in a fit state to treat anyone, let alone your own mate. There’s going to be blood; lots of it. We have to remove the metal from her arm, and to do that the area around the wound will have to be opened up, the blood vessels clamped and then the veins and arteries sewn back togeth-

“I have been to medical school, father,” I snarled, a tad too loudly. A couple of heads flickered in our direction, before snapping back to face Bella as a machine let out a loud series of urgent beeps. Scared, I tried make towards the bed again but Carlisle just pulled me even further from the group, whispering out loud to emphasise his words.

“I know you’ve been to medical school, but that doesn’t change a thing. Your practical knowledge is limited at best and, as you never completed a residency, you have very little experience in emergency surgery. Now is not a time to test your skills or self control by subjecting yourself to Bella’s fresh, flowing blood!”

“She was bleeding in the ambulance!” I protested, ignoring what he had said about my experience. It was true, but I didn’t want to admit it.

“Yes, but that was for a short amount of time and from a fixed number of wounds,” Carlisle reasoned. “In order to treat Bella we are going to have to make several more incisions and give her blood transfusions.”

I faltered, trying to find a flaw in the argument.

“Please, Edward,” Carlisle implored me, “The longer we argue about this, the worse her chances become. I love both you and Bella too much to allow you to put yourself through the trauma of trying to treat her. Please, just do as I say and go and join the others in the waiting room.”

“But…” My eyes flickered from Bella, sprawled on the cold operating table, surrounded by humans as she was given a blood transfusion. Deep down, I knew that Carlisle was right, but I could hardly bare to leave Bella. That said, every moment that I stood here arguing I was preventing Carlisle from treating her, and he was obviously the absolute best person for the job. I trusted Carlisle with Bella’s life, of course I did.

“Okay,” I muttered finally, exhaling in a long ‘whoosh’ of breath.

Thank God, Carlisle thought and I could see the relief wash through him. He clapped me briefly on the shoulder, before saying in a voice no louder than usual speaking volume: “Alice.”

The doors burst open, and Alice was at my elbow. She must have been hovering right outside the doors to the room. “Take Edward away, please.” Carlisle ordered, meeting my eyes in an intent gaze one more time. I’m proud of you, son. Then, clearly unwilling to spend any more time away from Bella, he turned on his heel and moved swiftly to her side, the humans parting like the Red Sea to let him through.

I stayed still, watching for a few moments, until I felt something touch my wrist. It was Alice. Come on, Edward, she thought took hold of my hand and pulled me towards the door. After one last pained glance at Bella- she was almost blocked from view now- I turned and reluctantly followed Alice towards the doors, out of the room and down the corridor.

I had barely moved ten feet when I began to have regrets, but Alice persuaded me on, all the while speaking with the soothing, reassuring tones one might adopt when trying to coax a suicidal person down from the rooftop of a twenty-four storey building.

By the time we reached the waiting room, I had threatened to go back three times, shouted at Alice twice and come to a complete unexplained halt more often than I cared to count. As we came to the door, I stopped again. “Bella,” was all I said, stupidly. Call it a delayed reaction, but the enormity of everything that had just happened was beginning to sink in. I felt myself turning blindly around. “I can’t leave her,” I muttered to Alice in a hoarse voice, unrecognizable from my own.

“Edward,” Alice said firmly, tugging my arm with renewed force. “We’ve been through this.” Bella’s with Carlisle; she’s in more than capable hands. There’s nothing you can do now. Please come inside.

I closed my eyes, as if trying to block out the rationality of her thoughts. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work.

You need to take a step back, slow down and calm yourself down. She continued. You walked through FIRE earlier, remember that? Fire! And you haven’t stopped since. So please, just come in so you can calm down..

Alice didn’t wait for an answer, but opened the door into the waiting room and pushed me through in front of her. I complied with her movements, if only because I felt too mentally exhausted to cope with any more arguing.

Inside were the rest of my family and Tanya. Even without Jasper’s power it was easy to detect their unrest; the hospital chairs sat forgotten as they stood in various groups around the room, speaking quickly in worried, hushed tones. As Alice and I entered everybody fell silent, turning to us with looks that were full of apprehension.

“What’s going o-” Emmett began, but cut off abruptly when he was elbowed sharply in the ribs by Rosalie. She was surveying my expression with a scrutinising air and clearly did not think I was up to answering questions. For once, I couldn’t have been more thankful. My eyes cast downwards; I walked slowly to the window, not speaking to anyone. As I gazed out into dark, their inquisitive and anxious thoughts swirled around my mind, mirroring the snow outside.

Poor Edward-Oh God, he’s cracking up again-I feel so helpless-Please let Bella be okay…

I leaned forwards, closing my eyes as I pressed my cheek against the cool window pane. I tried to focus on memories of Bella in happier times in order to block out the buzz of other peoples’ thoughts. Random images flickered forwards.

…Bella swathed in sumptuous satin as I helped her out of the car on prom night, the ugly cast on her leg at a total juxtaposition to her beauty; us sitting together on the piano bench back at the house in Forks, tears rolling from the corners of her eyes as I played her lullaby; running through the forest with Bella on my back…

Some time later, I heard Emmett whisper, apparently to no one in particular: “Should we try and talk to him?” Nobody answered. I was glad; conversation would just get in the way of my daydreams.

… Bella laughing in the cafeteria at one of Emmett’s jokes, totally unaware of her own exquisiteness as I watched, mesmerized; kissing her for the first time; lying on her bed; her watching me uproot trees, sparkle in the sunlight and run rings around our meadow as I tried to prove how much of a monster I was…

“I’m going to see if there’s any news,” Esme murmured, much later into the night. I could hear her thoughts focus on me, then, as if she was waiting for me to ask to be let out too. I knew it was pointless; if there was news then Carlisle would come and find us. I buried myself back in my memories, where I found that darker recollections were beginning to creep into my mind, tainting thoughts which had originally been happy.

…the first Biology lesson, where I was convinced that Bella was both demon and angel sent to taunt me; the second lesson, when I found myself electrocuted by her mere touch; all the ones that followed, when I tried to ignore her but just made myself more and more miserable; the raging, uncontrollable jealousy I felt whenever Newton so much as looked at her; playing baseball; Bella in the snow; Tyler’s[TW2] van careening unstoppably towards her across the ice…

More hours must have passed, because the sky was beginning to lighten; I could faintly detect a hint of pink far off on the horizon. Why was Bella’s surgery taking so long? The only answers I could produce to such a question were too horrible to contemplate, so in true self-delusionary fashion I ignored them, pushing them back into the nether regions of my mind and focusing on the safety of dreams once again.

…the way Bella smelt in the rain; the way she looked at twilight; the first time I ever caught sight of her across the cafeteria; watching her sleep, captivated by the sound of her beating heart; carrying her out to the nurse’s office after blood-typing; introducing her to my family for the very first time; buckling her up in Emmett’s jeep the night we ran from James; the betrayal and devastation in her eyes as I told her I didn’t love her; Bella at my house; Bella in the woods; Bella in her garden; Bella; Bella; Bella…

*~*~*

It was early morning by the time I next surfaced. Dawn had just broken and pale slithers of sunlight were trickling through the window, causing faint shimmers to bounce off of my skin reflect onto the surrounding walls.

The composition of the people in the room had changed since before. Tanya had gone as, I realized after a few moments, had Esme. Rosalie was sitting by the door, her eyes staring unseeingly at the closest bit of wall. Emmett sat by her side, hunching slightly as he tried to fit his large frame into one of the uncomfortable blue plastic chairs that was to be found in waiting rooms the world over. His expression was that of passive distance, and one glance at his mind told me that he was focusing all his efforts on counting the floor tiles. I could only assume that the mundanity of the activity served as a type of escape from the frustrations and stress of the past twenty-four hours.

Alice and Jasper were sitting together on a low, battered couch closer to me and the window. Alice’s eyes were closed, her head lying hopelessly on Jasper’s lap. Jasper’s body was stiff, but apart from that there was no visible indication that he was stressed or worried. He was toying gently with Alice’s hair, his hand caressing the black locks slowly and deliberately. I have to admit that the fact he was able to keep his bloodlust under total control in a hospital was shocking to me; had I not been so distracted over the last few hours I would have commented on it.

Unfortunately, I was not in a suitable state to congratulate my brother on his new found self-restraint. Now that I had ‘awoken’ from my contemplative trance (which, now I thought of it, had almost certainly been of Jasper’s creation) I was in total emotional turmoil.

I jumped to my feet and let out a low exclamation that was half way between a curse and a cry. I all but flew to the door, only to find that it was locked. I really did swear then. Whipping around, I glared at my siblings.

“What the fuck?” I growled, causing Jasper to send a hasty wave of calm around the room, but I fought it. “Why is the door locked?!” I demanded, wrenching it. I heard the metal buckle slightly as the door began to give way under my strength. It was fireproof and therefore reinforced; otherwise I would have been through in seconds. I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that nobody had answered my question in words, but they didn’t need to- it was clear in their minds. They’d locked the door to stop me getting out and running to find Bella while she was still in surgery. Enraged, I swore at them all again and battered the door again, causing it to let out a deafening CRUNCH.

“Um,” Jasper said, eyeing the door apprehensively, “you probably shouldn’t do that.”

The language I used on him then would have made my mother turn in her grave. Even Emmett seemed slightly shocked. With one final WHAM, I hit the door, my fist punching a clean hole through it, before making the entire thing go crashing to the floor.

“Edward!” Rosalie and Alice cried in unison in admonishing, slightly scandalized tones.

“Good one,” Emmett muttered sarcastically. “Now we have to come up with a cover-story for the door too.” I ignored him, darting out in to the corridor…where I came to a dead stop before Carlisle.

Our eyes met, gazes collided- and as we stood just over a foot away from each other Carlisle’s thoughts were relayed over to me in a series of images and words at lightning speed.

Bella lying on the operating table, receiving a blood transfusion- I had to battle the venom rising in my throat at the sight of her open veins, despite the fact that I was just seeing them through Carlisle’s memories. He had clearly been right beforehand; even second-hand it was hard to confront her blood. The memories continued. Carlisle was surrounded by medical staff, all of whom were watching breathlessly as he leaned over Bella’s damaged arm. The shard of metal was lodged in a long gash, which was pumping out blood at top speed. Carlisle moved his hand with great care, making a new incision close by so that he could safely remove the metal.

I shook my head suddenly, banishing the recollections. I could dwell on the specifics of Bella’s surgery later; all I cared about in the here and now was whether or not she was okay.

“Just tell me how she is,” I ordered, unable to cope with the suspense any longer. I watched his face breathlessly, my throat tight.

And then, Carlisle’s face cracked in to a weary, but joyful smile.

“She’s going to be fine.” At his words, my siblings all let out exclamations of relief, but I could not accept his statement so easily.

“H-honestly?” I continued, croakily. I could hardly believe it; I had to make absolutely sure. “She isn’t going to die?”

“No,” Carlisle smiled, “she isn’t going to die.”

Relief washed over me in waves and my legs shook slightly as I felt myself almost overcome by emotion. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to try and steady myself. I felt my family converge around me, their thoughts jubilant, but I held up my hands to resist them. I couldn’t process their happiness and support when I had barely even registered what had happened.

Bella isn’t going to die, I thought, she’s going to be fine.

She isn’t going to die.

Unless she becomes a vampire.

The last thought came to my mind completely unbidden, startling me. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought Alice had put it there. It shocked me that I was now thinking in that way.

And yet… it shouldn’t have. I had already made up my mind on the subject of Bella’s change; I had even told Jasper my intentions two nights ago after the Parents’ Evening, when we had followed Bella back to her house. I had thought that it was the best plan of action; the most logical one.

But then why was I now so unsure? What had changed, to make me lose all my convictions? Was it that I now fully understood how I had broken Bella’s heart? Perhaps it was because now I knew deep down, that her becoming a vampire would not make her happy. We both had a long road to travel before that could happen and turning her would not make it any shorter or easier. I had to heal her heart before I could take away its beat.

I suddenly became aware that I still hadn’t responded to Carlisle’s assurance. I opened my eyes. I could dwell on the future at a later date; all that was important right now was Bella healing.

“I want to see her,” I said to Carlisle quietly.
“Of course,” he nodded, but I thought I detected some of the contentment in his eyes slip away at my sombre expression. I tried to pull myself together for his benefit, and cracked a watery smile.

“Thank you, Carlisle. Thank you for taking care of her.” He inclined his head in silent acquiescence, before taking me in to a strong embrace. I suddenly felt a lot younger than my 112 years; like a teenage son being comforted by his father, as opposed to a vampire by his maker.

After Carlisle released me, he turned silently to the door and I followed, pausing briefly only to throw a glance of wordless thanks to the others.

*~*~*

Not long afterwards, I found myself following Carlisle down a long hospital corridor and then following suit as he came to a halt outside a blue door.

We’re here, he thought, turning his amber eyes watchfully upon me. I stood very still, frozen to the spot, my eyes staring at the blue wood of the door. What was this feeling I was experiencing? It seemed so out of place, so unusual. Then I realized- it was fear. I was scared of the room and what it might hold.

That was a shock in itself because, unlike most people, I am not usually scared of hospitals. When I was a med student I always found it difficult to understand why so many of the patients and their relatives that I dealt with were afraid. To me, they are just buildings like any other- walls, floors, doors and ceiling. I suppose that I have more reason to fear hospitals than most- after all, they have been the setting for some of the worst moments of my life- but I find it hard to attach hatred to long corridors and a team of people whose sole motivation is saving lives.

Despite all this, however, I suddenly found myself unable to enter Bella’s room. Even though Carlisle had said everything was going to be okay, I couldn’t quite believe it.

Carlisle must have detected this, as he opened the door for me, before putting a hand on my shoulder and gently guiding me into the room.

And there was Bella. She was lying on a hospital bed in the middle of the room, her body connected up to an assortment of machines and monitors by wires and tubes which crisscrossed and coiled across each other like something out of a bad science fiction film.

I crossed to Bella’s side in seconds, kneeling down and clasping her hand in my own. “Bella,” I whispered her name, before brining my free hand up to brush a stray lock of hair away from her closed eyes. Her skin was clammy to touch and as I made contact with her face she turned restlessly in her sleep, her breathing hastened and laboured. I let go of her immediately, frightened by the way the beeps from the machine monitoring Bella’s heart-rate had suddenly sped up. Sure enough, it calmed once I moved my hand.

I watched her for a moment or two, before straightening up and turning to Carlisle. Now I was ready for details.

“Tell me everything,” I told him, looking back to Bella. “How badly was she hurt?”

Carlisle nodded his head and walked forwards, coming to stand beside me at Bella’s bedside.

“Three of Bella’s ribs were broken and her left shoulder was dislocated when the motorbike fell on top of her,” he said quietly. “She sustained some deep lacerations to her arm when the truck exploded, which meant that she lost an inordinate amount of blood; we had to give her several transfusions. She also has a few second degree burns and there’s some bruising across her body.”

I winced at the severity of Bella’s injuries. When Carlisle had said she was going to be fine, I hadn’t expected it to be with so many exceptions.

“Has she been unconscious all this time?” I asked.

Carlisle shook his head, “she regained consciousness once- about twenty minutes after arriving in the operating room, but she was put under general anaesthetic almost immediately afterwards so that we could begin surgery.”

“And she hasn’t opened her eyes since?” I asked, a note of alarm creeping into my voice.

“No, Edward, but that’s nothing to worry about- it’s to be expected. Bella’s been through an awful lot; her body needs to rest. After that, she should make a full recovery.” He paused, and then continued. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but Bella really was unbelievably lucky.”

I turned to face Carlisle, outraged. “Lucky?! You call this lucky?” I gestured at Bella’s comatose form on the bed. “Broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a partially destroyed arm, burns and bruises across her body and you think Bella was lucky?!”

“Yes I do, because it could have been so much worse,” Carlisle replied. And then, unspoken: she could have died.

I winced and nodded curtly. Carlisle was right; I was forgetting myself. Bella was alive. She was alive.

And even if she hadn’t died, Carlisle continued, things could have been much more serious for Bella.

I looked up sharply. “What do you mean?”

Carlisle motioned towards Bella’s right arm, now covered in bandages. “The shard of metal from the truck was embedded barely inches from Bella’s right brachial plexus.”

I gasped at Carlisle’s words. Years of Med school meant that I recognized the ‘brachial plexus’ as the technical term for a group of five critical nerves that control feeling and movement in the arm. If these nerves were damaged in any way, the results could be disastrous. I focused back onto what Carlisle was saying.

“I’m sure I don’t need to tell you,” he said seriously, “that had the metal moved even slightly, those nerves would have been totally ruptured. They never would have worked properly again, and Bella’s right arm would have been completely paralyzed.”

It took me a few moments to realize that I’d stopped breathing. Carlisle was watching me, waiting for a response. When I finally spoke, it was in an odd voice that sounded nothing like my own. “Paralyzed?” was all I managed to say.

“Yes.”

I felt as though something dark and terrifying was closing in on me, pinning me to the spot where I stood. Bella could have been paralyzed. Her life could have been ruined.

All because of me

I could sense that Carlisle was still watching me and, judging on his next words, I could have sworn that he could read minds too.

“Edward, stop blaming yourself.”

“What?”

“There’s nothing you could have done to stop this; indeed, it’s a testament to swiftness of your actions and your courage that Bella was not killed. If you hadn’t been there to save her, she almost certainly would have died.”

“If I hadn’t been there, she never would have gotten into the crash in the first place,” I corrected. “She never would have been driving a motorbike along an icy road in the dark in a blizzard. She wouldn’t have been at our house in the first place, she would have been at home; dry, warm, safe.” Happy.

If only she had never known me.

It was clear from Carlisle’s thoughts that he did not even begin to agree with me, but I did not want to hear his protestations; I knew in my own heart that the mess Bella was in now was entirely of my own making, and the knowledge killed me.

“Please can I be alone with Bella for a while?” I asked quickly, cutting off Carlisle’s words. He creased his brow at me, as though trying to read my expression, before sighing heavily and inclining his head in assent.

“Okay,” he said. “If you need anything…”

“I know who to call,” I completed. “Thank you.” And with one last concerned look, Carlisle exited, leaving me alone with nothing but my guilt-ridden conscience and plenty of time to dissect, examine and list all the many ways in which I had failed Bella.

Carlisle’s words rang in my mind. “There’s nothing you could have done to stop this…if you hadn’t been there to save her, she almost certainly would have died.” To an extent, he was right. Even I could recognize that, this time at least, Bella’s accident had been just that. This was not the same as the time she had been attacked by James. Last night, she had met her match in a drunken driver and icy roads, not a murderous vampire on a quest for her blood. Her adversary had been a natural one, of the sort that she could have met at any time in her life. The accident had been inevitable, out of my control. Not my fault.

Only of course that wasn’t true. I was to blame in every way. No matter how I tried to explain the event away, the fact remained that, yet again, Bella’s blood had been spilt on my account. She was driving away from my house when she was hit and she was trying to escape me; no one else. She had been nearly paralyzedbecause of something I had done; or rather, had not done. Yet again, she had suffered pain as a result of my neglect and yet again I had not done enough to save her.

I sighed and ran my hands hopelessly through my hair. What would happen to us now? Bella had already had more than enough reasons to detest me and now with this latest development, I would not be surprised if she refused to let me within her sight ever again. How could I possibly make things up to her then?

While I was lost in these musings, Bella’s eyelids fluttered slightly, the tiny movement alerting my attention immediately. I stared intently at her for a few seconds, wondering whether she was about to wake up. Although I wanted to see her eyes open more than anything, I had to admit that I was terrified of how she would react on seeing me. After a few moments, however, she let out a weak sigh and I settled back into my chair, knowing that she was still asleep.

I sank back in to my chair and closed my eyes, letting time pass me by. For the next hours, it seemed to vary between rushing forward in great swathes to inching by in seconds that stretched on interminably. My thoughts drifted back to Bella’s words outside my house; to her tears, her accusations, her love, hatred and heartbreak, the heat of her kiss…

I stopped breathing for a few seconds, lost in sensation, before I heard the sound of the door opening. I knew instantly that it was Esme.

I sat up, my eyes snapping open. I had almost forgotten that my family were in the hospital with me. They had so far been giving Bella’s room a respectfully wide berth- no doubt at Carlisle’s request.

I glanced at the clock on one of the machine screens by Bella’s bed. It was ten minutes past nine. The room was now almost completely washed in wintery sunlight, giving Bella’s pale skin an unearthly, almost translucent appearance… The feelings of self-hatred and guilt that had been kept at bay whilst I had day-dreamed for the last couple of hours came rushing back with renewed strength as I watched her sleep. She lay inert, looking shattered, fragile, broken…

I heard the light tap of footsteps on linoleum as Esme came to sit next to me.

How are you feeling? Her thoughts were kind and soothing, which bothered me- I did not deserve her pity.

I acted as though I had not heard her question, keeping my eyes fixed on the regular pattern of the line on Bella’s heart rate monitor. But my hands gave away my emotions; they dug hard into the arms of the chair, causing my fingers to indent the plastic. But before I could inflict too much damage on the furniture however, I felt something touch my wrist. I jerked my head and looked around to see Esme, her hands on my own. Her eyes were troubled, a sense of real sorrow ingrained into the gold irises. Don’t Edward.

“What?” I asked, though of course I already knew what her answer would be. It was strange to speak; I was shocked by how deadened and flat my voice sounded. It felt like years since my conversation with Carlisle, although I knew it had barely been a couple of hours.

Stop torturing yourself, Esme replied, this isn’t your fault.

I brushed off her hands immediately at those words and got to my feet, pacing towards the window. I stood there in the light; looking at the dull sparkling sheen it gave my skin.

“You’re wrong, Esme. You have no idea.”

Then tell me. She was still sitting on the chair, watching me with pained eyes. I could feel the despair in her thoughts and I felt yet another pang of remorse as I reflected on how much this situation was affecting her. Yet something else to add to my list of regrets, I thought.

“No,” I whispered, shaking my head and closing my eyes, “you wouldn’t understand, because you’re too good a person. You could never feel this guilt, because you would never hurt anyone this badly.” Even to my own ears, my words sounded like those of a spoiled, hormonal teenager- Nobody can understand my pain, nobody knows how I feel; the clichéd angst-ridden lament of adolescents across time. Yet in this case, it was as close to the truth as possible. Esme was so compassionate, kind and loving… it was surprising she wasn’t tarnished by my mere presence.

I had so much to be ashamed of as far as Bella was concerned. I had devastated her emotionally six years ago, and I had almost succeeded in physically destroying her last night.

There was a long pause, in which I continued to stare out of the window with unseeing eyes. I could feel Esme’s gaze boring into me, but I pretended to ignore her. I knew she was waiting for me to speak, but I couldn’t. Finally, she broke the silence.

But you aren’t going to leave again. It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.

I knew that there was no way I could avoid sharing my thoughts with Esme. A small part of me even relished the opportunity; perhaps it would help me expel a small amount of my grief.

“No,” I sighed, turning to face Esme, taking in Bella’s sleeping form as I did so. She was still so beautiful, despite the ugly mass of machines and straps confining her frail body. “I couldn’t leave Bella again; I can’t believe I ever did.” My eyes met Esme’s. “I love her,” I said simply. “I love her with all of my heart; more so now than ever, even though I wouldn’t have believed that possible. She’s everything to me. She holds me without touch, without words or chains; one look, one breath is all it takes. I can’t exist without her… I know that now.” I paused and looked away, aware that my hands were visibly shaking. I felt as though the walls were closing in, trapping and enslaving me. When I finally continued, I could barely stop my voice from trembling.

“How can I live without her?” I said, more to myself than anyone else. There was a long silence, in which Esme just watched me. “Tell me how to leave her, Esme,” I eventually whispered. “Tell me how I can save her,” my voice rose slightly, with a note of desperation… before fading down again into almost nothing: “Please…”

She did not reply; I had not expected her to.

“I can’t exist without her.” I sighed, after an almost interminable pause. “And yet I don’t know… I don’t know how I can ever repair the damage I’ve done to her. I failed her in so many ways; hurt her physically and emotionally to an extent that I’m only just beginning to comprehend. I want to stay with Bella forever, but I can’t see how… h-how things can ever be the same between us after what I’ve done.”

My voice shook and I choked back a sob, raising my eyes to the ceiling as though trying to prevent the build up of tears in a subconscious and compellingly human movement- one of the few habits I retained from my previous life. It spoke volumes about the young man I had been; the one who had yearned for approval from his father and recognition in a world where composure, strength and bravery were the qualities prized above all others; the teenager who had dreamt of starched uniforms, shining medals and fanfares. That boy would never have shed tears if he could help it and, despite the fact that I no longer had to fear such displays of weakness- being unable to cry at all- I had inherited the impulse to prevent them at all costs.

“Oh Edward…” Esme sighed, and in one fluid movement she had moved towards me and enclosed me in a tight, compassionate hug. I leant into her arms and tried to return her embrace, but almost felt too numb to really reciprocate her touch. “You don’t have to leave her,” Esme murmured into my shoulder, “Bella doesn’t want you to leave her. She loves you and needs you; weren’t you listening to what she said last night?”

“Yes, and she said that she hated me,” I choked, withdrawing from Esme’s arms slightly.

“Yes, but she still loves you,” Esme replied soothingly. “She feels betrayed, Edward. Betrayed and hurt and- I wouldn’t be at all surprised- more than a little embarrassed. She spent six years believing that you did not love her, that you had moved on from her. Can you imagine how painful that must have been?”

I opened my mouth to respond; of course I knew what she had gone through- I had felt it too- but Esme pre-empted me.

“Oh, of course I’m not devaluing your suffering,” she continued quickly, “I know that…that you barely survived without Bella.” Her eyes tightened and in her mind I saw memories of me at my most grief-stricken and unresponsive. Esme shook her head slightly, her hands stiffening on my forearm at the memory and for the thousandth time I found myself again inwardly cringing at how much I had hurt her.

After a few seconds Esme’s grip loosened and she slowly continued. “I…I saw you struggle through every single hour… and it broke my heart to see you in such… agony. But- and this is a big ‘but’, Edward, – you, at least, had the advantage of knowing that Bella still loved you. You had never had to go through the misery of hearing her reject you, or believing that she had outgrown you.

“But Bella did. As we saw last night, she truly believed your lies; she never knew they were just to protect her; she never stopped believing them. And yet, despite all of that, she has never stopped loving you. That’s why she’s angry, Edward, not because she hates you or wants you to leave[TW3] .”

I couldn’t answer; I didn’t know how to. Esme’s words made so much sense that it felt churlish to oppose them, yet at the same time I could barely dare to let myself believe I hadn’t ruined everything with Bella. I wanted to know that Bella still loved me; I wanted to believe that she would continue to do so even despite this accident, but it was so hard after everything that had happened.

“I can’t promise that things are going to be easy from now on,” Esme continued softly, rubbing my arm consolingly, “especially after the accident. Nor do I really think they ought to be completely straightforward; love is not love that does not suffer from impediments or difficulties. It may take months or even years for your relationship to be as it was… but it will get to that point eventually, I promise you. And who knows? Perhaps you and Bella will even be stronger for it.” She came to the end of her speech quietly, with no flourish or great conclusion; just unassuming honesty and gentle sympathy.

“Thank you,” I murmured to her, kissing her on the cheek; I didn’t need to say what for. Esme knew, as she always did, exactly what I needed to hear. Call it motherly instinct, or else just years of practice and observation of my moods; whatever the cause, she had proved time after time that she was my rock.

Esme just shook her head with a smile that said: ‘don’t mention it’. She squeezed my hand once more, before letting go and looking towards the door.

“Go,” I said, waving my hand encouragingly; I could see she wanted to return to Carlisle. She hesitated, but I just nodded at her. “I’ll be fine,” I assured her, “I’ll see you in a while.” She silently thanked me, before swiftly exiting the room, leaving me to evaluate everything that had just been said.

I was still scared and guilt-ridden; I still regretted my actions and blamed myself for almost all that had happened between Bella and me. I knew that in many respects our future was a most dark and undecided place.

However speaking to Esme had made me certain of one thing, and it was this: that I would not let myself lose Bella ever again. I needed and craved her more than I had ever craved anything in my life; more than war, humanity or blood even. A future without her was unthinkable- life without her unliveable.
This left me with just one option.

I would spend the rest of my existence trying to atone for what I had done. I would do whatever it took to persuade Bella that she could trust and love me again. I had been so wrong before; my goal should not have been to change Bella, ‘win’ her back or seduce her, but to make myself worthy of her. Never again would I see her as an object to be won; I should have listened to my own words when I told Emmett that Bella was not a game.

There were still so many things Bella and I would have to work through, but at least now I knew there was a glimmer of hope; a flicker of light in what had previously been blackest dark.

I got up from my chair and walked towards the window, welcoming the faint heat of the winter sun light on my cold skin. For the first time since the accident I noticed that my body ached somewhat and, sure enough, there were faint marks on the uncovered portions of my skin from where I had run through the fire to get to Bella. Nothing serious, of course; they would probably be gone by tomorrow.

And then, something happened outside to catch my attention.

Out of the window I saw a dirty grey vehicle spin around the corner into the hospital parking lot. Even from my position three storeys up, I could read the blue writing on the circular sign on the side of the car: Rochester Airport Taxi-Limo 247-7678.

That struck me as odd. What was a taxi which transported airline passengers to and from the airport doing in the parking lot of the hospital? Furthermore, why had it entered through the back entrance- the one reserved especially for emergency vehicles?

I could think of only three solutions; the driver was lost, he was carrying someone injured, or he was in such a hurry that he simply didn’t care about the rules. Intrigued, I continued to watch, intending to see who exited from the taxi’s passenger door. But before the car could come to a complete stop I saw a member of hospital staff run up to the driver’s door and begin shouting and gesticulating at a nearby ‘EMERGENCIES ONLY’ sign. I saw the driver stick his head out of the taxi window and protest, only to be beaten down by the medic. Chagrined, he stuck his had back inside the cab and reversed at top speed. I could just make out his grumbling thoughts as he did so:

Like I’m the one who wanted to come this way…I’ve got no problem with coming through the main entrance, but he wanted to come this way… made me do 80 all the way from the airport… not worth the extra cash… if the firm hears about this they’ll take my licence…

I withdrew from his mind, thoroughly confused. It appeared that the driver had been paid double by his passenger to bring him to the hospital as quickly as possible, regardless of the danger or risk. I tried to search for the passenger’s ‘voice’; by now I had become engrossed in the little drama unfolding before me and was interested to learn more.
It was hard to locate his thoughts; partly because he was a total stranger to me but also because he was by now out of sight range. I could tell that he was very distressed, which undoubtedly contributed to my difficulties. Frustrated, I concentrated all my efforts on penetrating the elusive mind, but just as I thought I succeeding, the door to Bella’s room burst open behind me.

I whipped around, wrenching my mind from the search for the stranger. Alice was standing in the doorway, her expression taught with anxiety. I had been so absorbed in my antics that I had not heard her footsteps or her thoughts as she ran towards Bella’s room.

“What’s wro-” I began to say, but before I could finish my question I was plunged into Alice’s mind; consumed by an unfathomable web of thoughts, memories and visions. This was unlike anything I had ever experienced; it was as if Alice’s powers had been thrown into overdrive. Her mind was working so fast that I could barely keep up with what she was trying to tell me. It was almost as though her brain was trying to convey every single thought and vision it could as quickly as possible, as though it knew it had only a short amount of time left in which to do so. But how could that be?

Past: us arriving at the hospital; Present: “Edward, we have a major problem”; Future: the sound of shouts as a faceless person runs up the stairs to our corridor; Past: me sitting motionless, waiting for Carlisle to return from surgery; Present: “You have to stay calm”; Future: someone coming towards me, darkness descending around us with each step, as though the world was being dismantled piece by piece…

My mind was recoiling under the pressure being exerted upon it; I tried to stem the flow of images attacking me in an attempt to understand what I was being told. “Alice, I don’t…”

Past: A nurse sitting in front of a computer running through a database of details, clicking on ‘BELLA SWAN’; the sound of a phone ringing; Future: Shouts of outrage; snarls; the sounds of fighting; and THEN…

Faster than a heartbeat, everything stopped. It was as though someone had pulled the plug on Alice’s visions. I clutched the window-sill, panting slightly as I tried to recover from the onslaught. From the corner of my eye I could see Alice dropping to her knees, clutching the side of her head. I could still hear her thoughts, but all hints of the future had disappeared, replaced by a seemingly endless void of nothingness.

I could feel panic rising in my throat. “Wh-what just happened?” I asked, still shaking.

Alice did not look up from where she was crouched, her small frame trembling as though she was having a fit. “I d-don’t k-know,” she rasped, “I’ve never… felt… anything like it.” She coughed violently and I felt the urge to comfort her, but first it was vital that I understood what was going on.

“What did you mean earlier, ‘we have a major problem’?” I demanded, “What does that mean? Why did you show me those memories?”
Alice’s eyes met mine in a frantic gaze of sheer desperation. “One of the nurses rang Bella’s father,” she said hoarsely.

Had I been human, my heart would have skipped a beat.

“She rang Charlie?!” I asked, aghast.

Alice nodded, her shoulders heaving. “Nobody thought to change Bella’s details, and Charlie’s her next-of-kin. He was rung almost immediately after Bella was admitted, but Carlisle only just found out.”

Now it was my turn to be thinking in over-drive. If Charlie had been rung then he would know Bella was injured, he also would have told her mother and… and…

“Oh, God,” I said, as comprehension swept over me.

Exactly, Alice replied.

The taxi from the airport. The unreadable stranger. The faceless figure whose very presence caused Alice’s visions to explode into oblivion.

It could only mean one thing.
We were about to be paid a visit by Jacob Black

Chapter 13

Warning: This chapter contains STRONG LANGUAGE.

Eager to please,

Trying to be what they need

But I’m so very tired

I’ve stopped trying to find

Any peace in my mind

Because it tangles the wires

Some Little Known Yet Totally True Facts About Me, Jacob Black.

One. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a life ruiner. I did not come out of the womb with the intention of breaking up The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, also known as ‘The Biggest Fucking Screw Up Known To Man’ or ‘Doomed Relationships: The Bella & Cullen Chronicles’. Sure, if it had been up to me, Bella never would have met the leech, let alone fallen in love with him, only to have her heart ripped apart and stamped on less than a year later- hell, if I could control that kind of stuff then vampires wouldn’t even exist- but that doesn’t mean that I was rooting for their relationship to fail from the very start. I wanted Bella to be happy, and the devastated, frozen, zombie-esque state she fell into after he left definitely came under ‘not happy’. I knew she loved him, but I also knew that he didn’t deserve her and that he was dangerous, cruel and deserting.

Two. When Bella turned up in my garage on that fateful day in January looking like death had swallowed her up, sucked out her soul and spat it back out, I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to put her right again. Truthfully, I had no idea where to even start. There were just too many things that were wrong with her, too many parts that were broken. Mending Bella wasn’t like fixing a car; there was no manual, handbook or easy step by step guide- every day was another challenge, another exercise in caution. I learned to recognise all the signs and signals which told me how she was feeling, whether she was in anyway nearer to escaping the dark tunnel she’d been trapped in.

Three. I love Carole more than anything in the entire world. Okay, so that isn’t a little known fact, but it is true. Every time I see her, I feel like it’s for the very first time and it’s like being electrocuted, or being attacked to some major natural disaster; the bursting of a dam, an earthquake, a cyclone, divine intervention. It sounds cheesy and clichéd and God knows I was never good at metaphors, but it’s the only description I can come up with that describes what she does to me. I love her. And it’s so different to how I loved Bella; stronger, purer, less painful, less fucked up. I don’t have to fight to be with Carole; we just are.

I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t love Bella. I did. She was everything to me; the teenage years of my life were defined by her, saturated by her presence. I don’t have a single memory from the age of fifteen to seventeen that doesn’t somehow relate back to her; she was my crush, first dance, first proper kiss. But that doesn’t mean we were right for each other. That doesn’t mean she loved me back. I don’t know what I saw in her, romantically. I guess I was searching for something that wasn’t there, imagining something which didn’t exist. Paul once told me that the only reason I liked her was because she was even more screwed up than I was, that she made me feel better about myself. Needless to say, he didn’t quite walk straight for a long time after that.

Four. I’m not an easily scare-able person. Spiders, horror movies, clowns, the dark; I couldn’t care less. I’ve seen some seriously freaky shit in my time- after all, who needs a horror movie when you’re living one?- so it’s actually pretty hard to shake me up. That said, there have been times in my life which have truly terrified me. Like the first time I saw my dad cry, the day my mom got diagnosed with cancer; like when I was a kid and Rachel had to spend a week in hospital because she had appendicitis. But of course, all that stuff was strictly minor-league compared to how I felt on the night Bella and Brady were attacked. I’ve never been more terrified than that night. Even now, the memory of it is enough to bring me out in a cold sweat which, considering I run at one-oh-one 24-7, is saying something.

Five. That night was also the closest I’ve ever come to wanting to die. Now, I’m not usually a suicidal person at all. At all. I’m generally a pretty upbeat kind of guy; I leave the bitching and moaning to girls like Embry. (Joking. But not really.) But I do have dark moments. And none have ever been as dark as the night of Harry Clearwater’s funeral; the she-vampire went after Bella; the night Brady’s life was destroyed.

It’s hard to put the things that happened into words, partly because I’ve since made an active attempt to erase a lot of it from my mind. But there are some things I haven’t forgotten… things I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.

The sounds, more than anything. Sounds of funeral songs and the breeze through the trees which somehow managed to mutate into screams of fear and pain, jarring with the female leech’s maniacal laughter. The sound of paws on the ground as me and the other werewolves tried to run to the rescue, the entire pack flying through the trees like foam on the wind. Brady’s screams rattling in my brain as his torture was played out in my head, as though it was me who was being attacked, like his pain was my pain. The double vision was nauseating- one minute I was Jacob and running to save Brady, the next I was Brady and I was bleeding on the ground, being slowly driven insane and wondering why my brothers had let me down. The gut-wrenching, terrible realisation that we just weren’t going to be fast enough to save him…

… I would have done anything to switch places with him. After all, it’s a lot easier to have the main role in a tragedy than to be the one of the side characters left around later to pick up the pieces. Who do you think suffers more when a bunch of kids get in a car crash? The ones who die on impact in the back seat, or the driver who survives ‘cause he was wearing a seatbelt? Hell isn’t dying; it’s watching people you love be destroyed.

There’s a reason that people say suicide is an easy way out.

Six. The hardest part of-

“Jacob?”

A voice made me come crashing back to the present, bringing my chain of thoughts to an abrupt halt. I remembered where I was; in a cold, empty corridor at Forks hospital, hiding from everyone and making stupid lists inside my head to pass the time.

It had been barely four hours since Brady had had his heart attack, but in that time I had been dealing with doctors, hospital workers, tribe members, pack members and, most difficult of all, Brady’s family. As alpha, it was my duty to sort out all of them, answer their questions and hand out the tissues. I’d also been making frantic phone calls to Bella, who STILL wouldn’t pick up the goddamn phone. Things had finally got too much half an hour ago and I had snuck away to try and find a place where I could stop being the ‘alpha with all the answers’ and just be ‘shocked and scared shitless’ Jacob.

So when I heard my name being called, I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to have to cope with anymore. When I was a really little kid, my sister Rebecca told me that having your eyes shut made you invisible. I was four, she was eight and the only kid I knew who had read all of The Hobbit and, as far as I was concerned, that made her the World Expert On Everything. It took me a long time to figure out she had made it all up, and even then, on the times when I really wished I could disappear, I still pretended that Rebecca had been telling the truth. So I kept my eyes shut, hoping whoever was talking to me would just go away, or, even better, that I would just melt away into nothing.

“Jacob,” I heard again. I felt movement and heard the sound of sneakers squeaking on linoleum as someone took a step towards me. It was obvious that this keeping my eyes shut gig wasn’t working, but I clung to it in vain for a few more seconds, before the voice began to address me again. “Come on Jake-“

I gave up. “What?” I cut him off, opening my eyes to see Quil standing there. He looked tired and somehow smaller than usual; as though exhaustion had caused his normally burly shoulders to slump and his large frame to shrink. He was watching me with a drained, cautious look on his face. One glance told me that he didn’t have any news. He had just come to see how I was.

But that didn’t stop me from asking him, as he sunk down on to the plastic bench besides me, “Hear anything new?”

He shook his head. “Just more of the same,” he said, resting his arms on his knees and putting his head in his hands. “He’s not responding to any of the doctors’ attempts to wake him up.”

I exhaled in a long slow sigh. Quil’s words didn’t come as a surprise; I hadn’t expected him to tell me that in the short time I had been sitting out here Brady had made a miraculous recovery. But that hadn’t stopped a bit of wishful thinking (or was it hope? I wasn’t sure whether I knew the difference anymore) on my part.

We sat in silence for a while, the things that neither of us wanted to say hanging in the air like unexploded landmines. I knew what I should’ve said; I should’ve told Quil that everything was going to be okay, that Brady wasn’t going to die. I should’ve taken control of the situation, acted like a real alpha and gone to comfort the rest of the pack, who were probably feeling lost and confused and scared, and wondering why the hell their leader had abandoned them at their time of need.

It’s what Sam would’ve done.

I knew exactly what I should have been doing. But I was still sitting here in this deserted corridor, pretending not to exist.

Fail, Jacob. Supreme fucking fail.

Quil must have finally figured out that I wasn’t going to steer the conversation forward, because he spoke again.

“They’re not sure how much longer Brady’s body will keep fighting,” he said. It was almost painful, how matter-of-fact he was being, but then Quil had always been pretty frank. Me? I was finding it difficult to even think Brady’s name.

“Right.” was all I managed to say in response. This was the last conversation in the world I wanted to be having. I wished I could be anywhere but here in this hospital, trapped by white walls and overshadowed by death.

“They’ve told his parents to expect the worst,” Quil added. He was looking at me now, sizing up my reaction. I dragged my eyes to meet his.

“Do the doctors know… I mean, have they got any idea of… when?” For fuck’s sake, just spit it out! I thought to myself. But I couldn’t; I couldn’t voice words like ‘death’ and ‘dying’. I felt like I was eight years old again and being told that my mom had gone to sleep forever, because my dad couldn’t bring himself to explain that she’d died in a car crash and was never coming back.

“No,” Quil replied, “they don’t. They said it could be next week, or it could be in a couple of years- there’s no way of knowing how long a coma will last or how it will end.” Quil was doing it too; avoiding the use of the word ‘death’. Was it because he was scared too, or was he just doing it for my benefit? I vaguely remembered learning the name for words you use instead of other, more painful words at school, but I couldn’t remember what it was. Bella would know.

“Right,” I repeated. I don’t know what it meant- nothing was even vaguely ‘right’ about this situation; the word was just a space-filler, something to come out with when all the alternatives were too sickening and terrifying to think about, let alone say. I felt as though I could have written the book on ‘how not to respond to a crisis’.

Bracing myself, I stood up. I had to do something productive, I had to at least pretend that I was still in control. “I’m going to go and speak to the doctors,” I said, with more authority than I felt. “Maybe I can…”

But I never finished my sentence, because at the moment I heard a shout.

Quil and I both turned around, surprised, to see Charlie Swan half walking, half running down the narrow corridor towards us. He was red faced and his breathing was coming in heaving, gasps. He looked like he had run a marathon, or at least a couple of flights of stairs.

Maybe it was instinct, perhaps it was a lucky guess, or maybe it was just because I knew Charlie like I knew my own father, but I instantly knew that something was very, very wrong.

“Charlie-“ I said, taking a step towards him. Charlie staggered forwards and grabbed my arm to steady myself. I could feel him shaking against me, but I couldn’t tell whether it was from lack or breath or emotion. I waited anxiously for him to explain and finally, he managed to choke out some words.

“It’s…Bella…” he panted.

My blood froze.

Bella?

I felt the name as though Charlie had thrown a knife at me. Ignoring Quil’s shocked gasp, I gripped Charlie’s wrists tightly and said frantically, “What’s wrong with Bella? Is she hurt? What’s happened?!”

“She’s been in a motorbike accident,” Charlie said. His breathing was beginning to return to normal now. “She’s broken a few ribs and hurt her shoulder, or something. I got a phone call. Apparently she’s been burnt in a few places as well, but the nurse told me that she’s going to be okay, she’s alive…”

No wonder she hasn’t been returning my calls.

Charlie continued talking, but I wasn’t listening; I was mentally processing what he had just told me and producing lightning fast conclusions.

Bella’s in some sort of trouble. Bella’s in Rochester. The leeches are in Rochester.

After a few moments, I had worked enough stuff out to make some sense of the was how I understood it: Bella was badly injured and in hospital, in the same month that the very coven of vampires that had been responsible for ruining her life six years previously had rocked up on her doorstep.

It didn’t take a genius to work out what was going on. One of them had almost definitely done something to her, and my money was on Edward.

Furious, terrified, shocked, every-other-negative-adjective-you-can-fucking-think-off, I let out a string of frantic curses and kicked the nearest stretch of wall. Quil didn’t caution me this time; his thoughts were following a similar direction to mine.

“The leech?” He said quietly, his tone shocked. I nodded, bringing my hand up and pressing it against the wall.

My mind was still racing.

My body was shaking.

My breathing was shallow.

I knew that I only had two options. What was I going to do? Stay or run? Which role was the most important? Alpha or friend? Where did I need to be the most? Washington or New York?

Brady or Bella?

The question made me catch my breath. Why do I have to make that choice?

You already made it, a voice inside my head replied. You made it the night they were attacked.

And within two heartbeats- one for Brady, one for Bella- I made my decision. I couldn’t leave Bella alone and possibly dying on the other side of the country. She was vulnerable, she needed me, she was at the mercy of a crew of bloodthirsty vampires.

There’s no more hope for Brady, but there is for Bella.

So really, there was nothing else I could do. I had no alternative; I had to go.

I began to run. I heard Charlie’s surprised cry, and then him calling after me, but I didn’t look back. Quil would have to come up with some explanation; it wasn’t my concern.

I turned a corner, flew round another; ran past wards, doctors, nurses, patients; pushed through groups of visitors and, finally, made it within sight distance of the doors. And then, as I sprinted forwards, I saw the only person in the entire world who could make me stop.

A woman with short, wavy red hair was standing by the hospital check-in desk, in conversation with a nurse. She was tall and mainly slim, but with a subtle roundness to her stomach and form which showed her to be pregnant. I called out her name, and she instantly turned around.

Carole saw me, and a look of surprise crossed her face as she took in my crazed expression. “Jacob…” she said, taking a step away from the desk and moving towards me. I came to a shuddering stop, metres away from her. I was breathing heavily, and I was shaking, but I didn’t have time to calm down. I grabbed Carole’s hands in my own, my thumb by chance brushing her wedding ring as I did so. Her look of surprise had swiftly morphed to one of alarm at my behaviour. “Jake, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Bella,” I explained quickly, subconsciously echoing Charlie’s opening words. “Charlie says she’s been in some sort of motorbike accident and that she’s in hospital in Rochester.” Carole’s blue eyes widened in shock. She opened her mouth to speak, but I shook my head. There was no time.

“I know it’s got something to do with the Cullens being there, and Quil agrees with me. I need to go, Carole. I have to; Bella could be about to die or- or maybe even worse, I don’t know, I…” I ran out of steam, and just stared at her helplessly. Carole, of course, understood what I was talking about. As my soulmate, she was entitled to knowing the secrets of the pack, and she therefore knew the entirety of my history with Bella and the blood-suckers. I watched as she tried to make sense of what I had just told her.

“Are you sure the vampires are involved?” she finally asked, her voice quiet and worried. Carole liked Bella a lot and the few times she had stayed with us they had got on very well.

“Yes, certain. I need to be there.”

“But on your own? Surely you can take some of the others with you?” Carole was beginning to look distressed. “You can’t fight a coven of vampires by yourself!” I could see she was worried about me, so I took hold of both her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes.

“There’s not much they can do to me in a hospital surrounded by people; besides, I can take care of myself. It’s Bella I’m more worried about; she’s already injured, and it wouldn’t be difficult for them to hurt her even more, or maybe even try and bite her…” I trailed off, the conclusion of that sentence far too horrifying to verbalise.

Carole kept me in a intense gaze for a few seconds, before relaxing a bit. “Okay,” she said quietly, “okay, I believe you. You’d better leave as soon as possible.”

I felt a rush of relief that she was on my side, but I had to make sure that she was positive. needed vindication, pure and simple. I knew how what I was doing must look to an outsider. It was so stupid, so irresponsible. What right did I have to go running off to the other side of the country, leaving one of my brothers on the edge of the death in hospital, my pregnant wife alone and using up all our savings in the process? I almost felt as if I needed someone to slap some sense into me.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. “Yes, this is Bella we’re talking about. She’s your best friend and she’s in danger; of course you’ve got to go.”

“And the pack? Brady…”

Carole seemed to understand what I was thinking. “Don’t worry about them. I’ll keep in touch and let you know if anything new happens. Go!”

I hung on for a few moments longer. “And what about you?” I asked. “Will you be okay? You and the twins?”

Carole half smiled. “They’re not due until July, Jake; I’ll be fine.”

The incredibleness of this woman never ceased to amaze me. Overwhelmed, I pulled her into as fierce an embrace as her stomach allowed and kissed her hard, before letting go.

“I love you,” I said.

“Oh no you don’t- no goodbyes,” she shook her head, wagging a finger as she mock-scolded me. It was clear she was trying to keep this light-hearted, but I could see the worry written into her eyes. It became more pronounced as her smile faded and she said to me seriously, “Just promise you’ll come back to me in one piece.”

“I promise.”

And with one last quick glance, I turned and began to run again, through the doors and out into the night.

The next time I stopped, I was on a plane to Rochester.

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